contains suicide. contains just about everything.
 

I am almost 30 years old. I live at home with my parents. I have a job any highschooler could do. I left school 7 years ago after being diagnosed with bipolar disorder and then raped and then hospitalized. Since then I have been stagnant. It has been all I can do to keep myself alive. Sometimes I do better at it than other times. I have od'd 8 times, been hospitalized at least 14 times. Was diagnosed with Ptsd and bpd as well as bipolar. Gave up on going back to school since all my friends graduated before I was ready go back and being a painting major figured it wasn't going to do much for me anyway. Was raped again. Picked up and dropped alcohol and cocaine habits. I've been in treatment most of these seven years and it just seems like there is no improvement. I don't cut as much as I used to but even with that I still have major setbacks. I have been suicidal everyday for the last 7 years. Everyday. I can't even make my brain believe that I have a future. It is so sure that I'm going to be dead anytime now. I haven't been able to move forward. I can't take care of myself like I'm going to be here for the long run. And then I the other day I realized something in life that I actually want. I suddenly very badly want to be a mom. My sister has two kids they are 2 and a half years and 4 months and I just love them so much. I really think that I could be a good mom. I know I am not in any position to have a baby now. And with the rate of my recovery up to this point I should be ready by the time I'm 70. I somehow feel horribly guilty for even wanting this at all. Like I have no right wanting to be a mom. I can't even take care of myself. And now I'm more suicidal then ever. This is not something that I'm ever going to be able to have. I am more sad than I have been in a very long time and I'm always sad. I can't stop crying.

*HUGS* Oh hun, I am so sorry you are feeling so sad! please know you are not alone! And don't feel guilty for wanting to be a mom. That is a good sign for possible recovery. A goal, Something you can strive for. Get yourself healthy so you can be a mom. Yes the road will be hard and trying but so worth it so so worth it! **Hugs**

I am sorry you are feeling this awful. It's great that you have something to look forward to, a long term idea of something you want - to have hope for the future and a reason to keep going can be so helpful.
There is absolutely no reason that you cannot be a mother one day, I know that often it may feel like you'll never be ready, but remember that these negative, hopeless feelings are part of what you're battling.
It can be so easy to compare ourselves to others and feel we've failed somehow - but to be blunt, 'life is what you make of it', and if you've been handed a big pile of crap then the fact that you're still here and still going is pretty damn impressive. And there can be a crap-free future...

Another thought - is there a way perhaps in the closer future to satisfy/utilise 'mothering' tendencies in another way? eg. volunteering or working in care or something? People who have struggled often have the gentleness and empathy for this kind of thing.

Please know that you are not alone
Many hugs
B x

^^Wanted to highlight that bit as it is a great idea. Perhaps volunteering in a daycare type setting could be the first step in recovery for you.
Definitely something to think about and look into.
You mentioned therapy, is this something you could mention to them? Maybe they can help you find a suitable placement.

i don't know that I would be allowed to work with children as I have been committed and doubt that I'd pass background checks.