higher power
 

there is a higher power, something is out there and it wants me dead. it can't do it itself because that would be evil so instead it is slowly forcing me to kill myself over time. It wants me dead so bad that it is using my friends and family in its power to try to kill me. I don't want to let it win but its so hard to live knowing its there trying to kill me. its so strong and it won't back down

That sounds really scary to be dealing with, but it sounds like some form of paranoia. Do you suffer from psychosis? Are you seeing professionals?
I'm not trying to disregard what you are experiencing, just exploring options.

That does sound very frightening indeed.
I agree with the above - it's definitely worth talking to somebody about these thoughts. Your GP would be a good start if you aren't seeing anybody from the mental health sector. Speaking to somebody will help as it will mean you aren't dealing with this frightening scenario all by yourself, and there might be some medications which can help too.

I'm on anti-psychotics but i have been told i am not psychotic. i don't know what to do about it :''(

What makes you think that it's an external influence that's trying to make you kill yourself, and not a part of your own mind? In my experience we sometimes blame our destructive part on something external so that we don't have to accept it as a part of ourselves. We can even convince ourselves that this is the case.

Do you have a psychologist or a psychotherapist, or are you getting any talking therapies of any kind, to help you understand what is going on for you?

i have nothing to help me at the minute and i think thats why its all getting to me so badly. i just don't know how to survive in the short term. its trying to stop my typing this and its a real struggle to tell anyone anything

I think it's sometimes difficult to tell people about what's going on because the destructive side likes to keep us prisoner. But you can fight against that by not letting it win.

Are there any plans by any professionals to give you support, whether it's through a therapist or through a community worker? I think it would be helpful for you to have someone to talk to, and to understand. I'd recommend asking the person who prescribes you antipsychotics for extra support.

In the short-term, I've found that writing things down/journalling helps me, as does talking about my experiences here on RYL, and spending time with my family, and a good dose of distraction through puzzles, reading, art and TV. It's good to have support and distraction in balance.

i am seeing someone soon in the community hopefully but right now there is no one:(

I've had similar thoughts and it's best to tell someone. Can you go to your GP if you're not seeing anyone soon?

I am seeing my GP tomorrow and a community nurse the day after so hopefully i can get some help

Good luck! Let us know how it goes!

Good luck!