The Painful Fall After the Great Run...
 

i guess thats just what its is...

i feel this emptiness every year. this year seems to be a bit worse. maybe because it was such a great time coming off the horrific visit we had during the summer. i dont know.

i just feel the emptiness of it all....its painful.

I know it is hard, especially because of how anticipating/anxious you were of certain aspects of the visit before hand but I think it is kind of normal hun. I know that does not help and you probably know that but I wanted to point it out just in case. It sounded like you had a wonderful time with Keith and co. Could you maybe focus on using the opportunity to get to know a little more about Keith like via email (on your new laptop :P ) or something like that? Just so that you have something to focus on, or if you already do that then plan something special for either you and Keith to do next time you see him or for you, Kelly and Kaleb so that you have something to look forward to?

Just a thought *leaves some squishes* xxx

thank you Emma.

ive just tried to upload pics of our cats and cant make it work :(

i know how to do it..its just being icky, i guess. maybe if noa comes over later, she can show me what im doing wrong.

now, i really feel like a big, fat, failure.......doesnt take much:(

I don't even understand the theory of how to load pictures if it makes you feel any better :P

lol...

ive woken up suicidal.

i keep looking at pics of my precious boy to keep from thinking about it. its not working very well. nothing makes me feel safe or good right now.

i want it to stop...

What exactly do you want to stop hun? Did anything happen yesterday that might have upset you? When do you next see Keith?

can you think of anything that has made you feel this way Rach?
well done for trying to distract from those thoughts hun
please try to keep as safe as you can xx

probably that Keith is gone now and i have no clue when i will see him again.

not to mention that ive gained a ridiculous amount of weight. i was looking through pics and theyre just gross. im gross.

im going to take care of that though. had a good meal today but it will be the last...

i want the empty/painful feeling that is unlike any other to stop.

soooo....im going to drink!! WINE. i love red wine and havent had any in years. kelly and i had a huge fight about it but she gave in. i feel bad for putting her in those situations. shes terrified something bad could happen when i drink because it does most does. however, last time, i only cut...which in my case is very "good" while drinking. i dont want to wind up in the hospital anymore.

i never did anyway...i dont know. i just know i cant keep on feeling like this. at least tomorrow i will have a hangover to nurse...

i feel so terribly bad. i dont know how to put it into words :(

of course, i want to harm...the thought of it all ending seems nice. when i sleep, i pray to NOT wake up. but here i am yet again...

depression and self loathing have sunk their teeth in tight this time.

to be honest...im petrified....

I know you want the pain to stop, but please try to think of the positives, such as family. That can help when I have such thoughts. You feel so much pain now, but things can change, and you are NOT gross. As hard as it is when feeling so low, think of all the good things about yourself, the happyness you bring to your partner etc. Sorry, this reply is useless, and I know when feeling so low this doesn't help. All I can say is stay strong, try be safe, because things can change.

Rach...you are going to feel even worse once you have drunk and yes....maybe that may seem more appealing than the emptiness you have been feeling but in a couple of days that emptiness will just feel even worse. It is up to you at the end of the day what you do, obviously. Why do you think Kelly is worried? Would you be if you were in her shoes? I am guessing the answer is yes, and it is not a nice feeling.

When are you seeing your social worker next?

my next social worker is wednesday. and yes, im halfway through a bottle of wine...im sorry. i know i would feel the same if i were kelly but im NOT. thats the difference. when we say.."how would you feel if it were the other way around?" of course we know we would feel the same but it ISNT the other way around.

and i cant make it that way. she is who she is and i am who i am.

I know that hun, that was why I was hesitant as I typed it. I guess I just wish you were not doing this and I don't know how to stop you doing it, I know you have the 'skills' to use to stop it but I also know that maybe you don't feel able to use them or whatever right now, hence why I mentioned Kelly. I know you already think of her. I just want you to be safe and ok hun is all. You don't deserve to use these coping mechanisms, you can do so much better, you have proven that in the past. I know you won't see that, I also know you may not even WANT to see that but I care about you enough to want to point it out.

Please be careful x

*cries* thank you Emma...

im a tad bit tipsy...have tried to cut wityh a certain object but it only gave me scartches ...grrr

ALSO...Sketchy, thank you for your reply also. it meant alot to me.

im at a bottom of sortas and dont know what to do. i even got kelly to go get another bottle of wine. how ironic is that??

its best i dont say much more now....unless later i come on to do one of those drunken posts...we all know them..and they are heartfelt:)

I know they are hun. Do you want to wake up tomorrow and have harmed yourself? I don't mean what do you want right now....I mean what would you like to feel tomorrow when you wake up? Would 'properly' cutting make things better?

Why did you ask Kelly to get you another bottle? What would you have said if she has asked you?

If I was Kelly i'd pop you on the top of the head with that bottle you made her go get! Honey I want you to read back through some of your previous threads and think about what you've been writing and then read this one and think about that. You have come soooo far. And I think you need to stop drinking now. if you've gained weight then you've gained weight. It is possible to lose it the right way. I know how much I gained when i broke my ankle and i've only just been able to start doing exercise again and i'm starting smaaaall. 10 minutes or 20 minutes max. No more becasue it screws my ankle. So I do understand.

Stop drinking. curl up on the couch with Kel and watch a movie or something. Tomorrow will be here soon enough and it will be a new day.

I love you rach.

well....

the haziness of a hangover makes things look weird. my mind is so foggy it cant process a thought which is good. i did cut last night but not how i wanted to. im frustrated a bit by that.my arms are yucky but oh well...i did it to myself....

not much to say. we may get snow. i really hope we do.

I'm sorry you cut hun. How are you feeling today? Has the hangover lifted yet? *sends lots of hugs and love* xxx

im feeling different. i dont know what im feeling though.

hangover is gone. we didnt get much snow. kaleb's school opened 2 hours later though due to the snow.

i see my social worker tomorrow plus i also see my GP. im going to address the ankle and i will address the SI with my social worker. he rocks. then on wednesday, i get my teeth pulled. yay!! they hurt so freaking bad...

anyhow...thanks for all the replies. sorry i havent been supporting anyone. im just not up to it.