I Told them last night. *Triggering*
 

Well... I hadn't self injured for quite some time. About 2 years with the occasional slip-up. I had been waiting to talk to him for over a year. The day came and went. I blew up. Carved his name into my stomach. Last night I Told the people that take care of me in my group home. I couldn't even lift up my shirt the shame was burning in my chest. When the "Family Teacher" I told say she gasped and said "Oh my god." She called another one into the room. She is my favorite. Diana is her name. all I heard was "Oh my god." coming out of her mouth. She had me sit in the office and she paced in front of me. I just stared ahead and bit my lip. When she stopped and looked at me, I lost it. I banged the back of my head against the wall behind me and I felt the tears come. I tried to hold them back but I lost it. I rocked back and fourth in my chair the tears spilling out of my eyes. They didnt seem to come fast enough. I was so upset i was shaking and pulling at my hair. I could feel the dull throbbing on my stomach, like his name was burning my skin with acid. I can still feel it right now. I hated to see the pity in Dianas eyes.Shes the kind of person who never shows emotion. She has a hard attitude and doesnt care for anyone. Some of the other girls had self harmed here and she found out, but I never saw the pity in her eyes. Fear and pain struck her face. After she seemed to find her voice she said "Call Jaimie" Jaimie is my counselor. She came in and looked at me. She sat in the chair and watched me cry. She got me a glass of water and told me in a strong voice to breathe and take a sip. She told me to breathe and take a sip. She told me to start talking when I was ready to talk calmly and rationally. It took me forever to get my voice back. What came out of my mouth were words like "Obsession" "Control" "Anguish" It was terrible. I'm so upset.

Oh huni, I dont really know what to say. Well done for telling people, its such a brave thing to do. Do you feel better for it? Are they being nice to you? Supportive?
Hugs, Stay strong xx

They are supportive, but I feel so alone. My Moms going to kill me when she finds out I SI again. She thought I was done. Shes going to freak.

SI'm glad they are supportive, but I know what you mean about still feeling alone. Your mom might just surprise you, they have a habit of doing that. I hope she doesnt freak, as it really wont help things. But if she does, just remember what her motives are. She is probably just concerned and it takes the form of anger or frustration etc. What has she said in the past? Has she dealt with it well or badly? xx

Shes reacted badly. she immediatly assumed i was suicidal and all i was trying to do was relieve the emotional pain.

Ah, thats a tough one. Would she listen if you tell her that it doesnt always equate to suicidal thoughts and feeling and that people can SI for years without ever feeling suicidal. But im guessing that wouldnt help :( Sorry, I'm not being of any help, but I'm thinking of you! Hugs xx

im sorry sweetie. this sucks. i wish i knew what to say. all i can say is that if you need anything please PM me.
xxxx

this sounds so difficult. i'm glad you have people who care for you. have you talked to your counsellor since you told them about the SI?

I havent talked to Jaimie about it since Tuesday. Its now Friday. I kind of Dont want to. But I ended up telling my Mom before Jaimie did. Last night she called. I must I said "Mom I have something to tell you..." "Tuesday I did something bad...Something I havent done in a long time." "Youre going to be so dissapointed in me." "I....I.....I...." I must have repeated "I" about a million times. Finally I just said it. "I cut myself Mom." I explained the procedure the group home took and she surprisingly didnt yell or say much about it. She just said "Amanda. No guy Is worth Hurting yourself over." She must have said that so much, but never once did she say anything that offended me or got me upset. I was really shocked.

i'm glad speaking to your mum wasn't too distressing, though it must have been hard. why do you think you don't want to talk to Jaimie?

I'm not sure. I didn't really like the way she talked to me when we were talking. I felt it came off a bit harsh. She's sometimes nice to talk to but I feel like the information I gave her was forced out of me.

maybe when you see her you can start out talking about that? keeping dialogue open would be good, but i understand you might not want to talk about other things straight away when you feel hurt.