Bad bad thoughts.... *triggering*
 

Soo... I'm contemplating on whether I should make my right arm match my left... I'm also wondering if I spend my last 20 bucks on pills, would it actually matter? I'm sitting here on my bed with my man snoring away beside me... and all i can think about is... should I do this? Why not? *sigh* How pathetic am I? Gah!

I don't think you're pathetic, rather in pain.
Is there anything specific that triggered the thoughts?
Could you wake him up and talk to him about this?
Sorry I don't have anything better to say than that.
Please try to look after yourself.

You should not do it. The reason? Cos I said so and also cos you are a teensie tiny bit awesome. What did you decide to do about DBT? I think it is really important you continue to go. Have you had any individual support since your therapist started covering the CRT?

What does the boy thing think about what is going on? You need to start being honest and talking and opening up to people IRL as well Jess. They cant help you if you dont. You know that hun. *hugs*

I'm not sure what triggered it. It's been sitting in the back of my head for awhile. A friend of mine had a rather nasty suicide attempt not long ago and.... i'm jealous >.< Which is awful and makes me pretty disgusted at myself.

Em, I'm not going back to DBT till next year. It's only got a few things left anyways. I haven't spoken to anyone but my doctor since my psych went to cover the crt. I let slip yesterday to my partner that the only thing I lie to him about is how i'm feeling. But I wouldn't let him push the matter. I dunno. I think i'm destined to ruin everything anyways. I'm scared i'll hurt people in the process :(

What about it are you jealous of? I won't judge promise, I don't think anyone will either (if they did I would have to hunt them down and kick their arses :P). If you can open up about it then maybe talking would make you not feel so 'disgusted' with yourself. Disgusted is bad and you are not disgusting (I'm tired sorry for not making much sense!).

I won't lie....you would hurt people if you did something really bad to yourself, not because it would make you a bad person or anything but because it would hurt the people that care about you (and I count myself as one of those), that you were not able to see how much more than that you are worth and how amazingly wonderful you are. What about opening up to your partner are you scared about? From what I have read about him he seems lovely. I don't think he would get angry with you, or leave you or judge you or anything bad like that.

Why do you think you are destined to ruin things? And don't say you don't know....

*leaves some hugs and smexy love*

Jess,

its not disgusting to be jealous. i can understand. ive thought of how my friends who have been gone due to suicide and i think, maybe now they have peace, and i feel a bit jealous.

im crap tonight with anything useful. sorry.

you are so lovely and i love you!!!

What about it? Probably that they could do it. I can't. I have stuff I have to sort out first. I dont' know if i'll get it all done. I don't know what to do. I think if I harm it will take the edge off and make a bit less jealous. But.... what if all it does is make it worse? i dunno. what's the point? what's the point of anything?

the point?

the point is life period. the point is that you have people that love you dearly and you have people you love.

the point is that you have progressed so much from where you used to be Jess.

youre obviously having a really rough patch. but can you try to see past that? remember how hard you worked before? can you apply that now?

i, for one, know how much you have helped me through the years. how do we know that something you said didnt save my life??? how many lives may you have saved by a simple reply on here? you contribute Jess!! you are a valued, precious, beautiful person. and i look at my tiger everday that you sent me, and it gives me strength!!

and i KNOW you have strength in you to overcome this hard time just like you have all the others. FIGHT IT!!

i love you Jess.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I have been jealous like that.

Why would you waste your last 20 on pills when you could buy heaps of chocolate instead?

Thanks Rach. you made me smile :)

haha Chloe... my new diet... no chocolate yet for me :P Not that I mind. I'm not really craving it anyways.

Mat knows a bit. How i want to match my arms up. he had tears in his eyes and got... well upset. I feel bad for upsetting him. But I still want to do it. Horrid much? Yes.

Blech. I love you guys :) I'm wallowing in self pity at the moment. So i'm not seeing as clearly as i normally would. But thanks for putting up with me!

Hey lovely, im sorry things are **** right now.
Keep talking to Mat, hard as that is. I'm sure you know it would cause more upset and hurt to block him out.
As tiring as it is, keep talking, keep fighting.
I do understand the feeling jealous...sure most of us have felt it at sometime.
Horrid? No.
Honest? Yes.
Which makes it hurt all the more.
We're all here for you, Jess. But, when are you going to talk to your doc? You know you have to.
You will get past this...just because, well you're stubborn like that :P.
love ya
xx

Mat's made me start taking my anti depressants again... I guess they help a little keeping me out of the hole of blechness. Had a rotten day today and am now hiding in the bedroom so i don't have to talk to anyone. I'm not sure if i'm happy or angry that Mat didn't go to work today so he could look after me. I'm happy cause it shows how much he cares. but angry because I really want to harm and I can't when he is here. It's all pretty ****ed up.

It's not ****ed up, you are cross inside because you want to do soemthing and are being prevented from doing it. Just because you know harming is wrong doesn't stop you wanting to do it. But it is soooooo gooood that he is willing to go out of his way to help you, and that you are strong enough to take your anti-d's and try and dig yourself up out of the darkness a little bit. I know it's hard when you feel as if you would rather just stay depressed and ****ed in the head, but .... where does that actually get you, in the end? It's much better to try and get out of it and really give yourself a chance to see how good life could be.

Hey Jess.

I only just saw this cause I don't go in vets & I might have been stalking you *shifty eyes*

I don't have anything to say that hasn't already been said, so I left you some hugs & here are some snugs *snuggles*

You know if you ever need to talk you can, I'll always be here for you.

I'm glad you have Matt too. I really am :-).


Love you lots.
xxxxxx

hi Jessypoo,

i have nothing else to offer...just wanted you to know that im thinking of you sweetness.

love you my lovely!!
Rachel
xxxxxx

ive tried and tried to paste a video for you and ive done it a zillion times but i cant get it to work..

im sorry :(

love you.
xxxxxxxxx

It's okay honey :)

So I cancelled my doctors appointment. For two reasons, one I wasn't sure when I would catch the stray cat we were trying to catch and two, if I knew I would have been able to get treatment, I would have cut. Badly. We caught the cat and the poor thing looked dreadful :( Made me mad becasue it was 99% chance that it was an abandoned cat. And it had been abused. Who the hell does that! Treat an animal like they're something you can just throw out? Gah! I drove straight to the cat's home and then straight home again. no stops on the way. I wasn't sure if I would have bought blades and carved my arm up or if I just would have bought junk food and ruined the great start to my diet. So i ddin't stop at all. And now i'm not sure if i'm happy about that. I keep looking at my arm and it's relatively clean.... and I just.... I want it to match. Want it to look the same. :( I wish I could just... sleep.

Jess.... I honestly don't know how to reply to at least part of this, mainly because I understand, at least partially, your thoughts about 'matching' and your arms being relatively clean and how uncomfortable or even 'wrong' that seems. I know I have commented on it but I am struggling to be helpful or more in depth in order to avoid either coming across as hypocritical, or worse... 'pro'. I am not PRO for you....to be clear! But I find it hard to word things in a way that sometimes does not creep into that area.

From what I read it sounds like your diet is going well! Congrats! Why did you decide to undertake it though if you do not mind me asking?

I think what you are doing re the cat is lovely. I hope she is ok. I am also incredibly pleased your partner is taking an interest and attempting to take care of you, even if you aren't. He seems really lovely and caring. I know how hard it can be to accept that but if you can just try then it will be a step in the right direction. Not succeeding in these things straight away does not make you a failure or mean they are never possible. Please keep trying Jess. I wuvs you :P :) *hugs* xxx

That's lovely you have taken care of the cat...yes, ppl like that should be shot.
What if Mat were to make the appt and not tell you till the time? Then no chance for harming? I would hate that control taken away from me, but...

I do understand the 'clean' spaces can be quite horrible...but I think you know how much you would regret it.
Mat does sound quite lovely, something you definitely deserve! Glad to hear he is being so supportive; something you have needed for a long time.

Good to hear you have restarted the meds, hoping they will keep helping/help more.

ANNNNDDD.....YAY for you on the diet! You sound really positive about it.

Love ya lots
xxx
(you are after all, my lovely nnsbjb!)