When are we allowed to give up?
 

i look around here and i see people get better but then get worse.

i have seen alot of successes, even my own.

but how long is it possible to live like this? is it a choice? is it my choice? is it that simple? i dont think it is. this illnesss crept back on me like a theif in the night. i didnt ask for it. i was doing everything i was supposed to. why in the hell did it come back like this??

it isnt fair but nothing is, i understand that. i feel sad and bitter. maybe even angry.

im lost in my own mind. i have been for a few weeks now. im having more and more seizures. apparently due to the meds ive been on for years. im not even writing complete sentences. and i dont care.

i know im "supposed" to keep om going. to keep on fighting.

is this for a lifetime? my social worker told me i would be on disability the rest of my life. what is the point?

i know you will tell me Keith and Kaleb. and you will be right.

i want to harm. i want to harm for the last time and it be permanent. Kelly is sleeping. Kaleb isnt here. im so so depressed.

my body hurts, my heart hurts. i tell people to keep going when i dont even want to. i feel like a fake. i dont take my own advice.

i want the pain to end. but i only know one way to make it stop. am i wrong for this? does it make me evil? does it make me a bad person?

i know i'll get harsh responses from this, maybe thats what i need. ****, i have no idea what i need. if i did, i wouldnt need to be posting this...

I'm not going to tell you keith and kaleb. you can't keep living for other people. You have to live for yourself. You said even your own successes. And that's it. You have had successes. Yes, you may struggle with this for the rest of your life. BUT. It isn't always bad. You've just admitted this to yourself. So. What else aren't you letting yourself believe in right now? hmmmmmm????? Think about it Rach. I challenge you to a duel!

Well... not really. I just wanted to say so :D

i miss everyone that is gone "died". some by suicide, some naturally. the holidays seem empty without them. of course, Keith is always my holiday.

i miss my father. but why?? he is why im here. partly anyhow. i remmeber when i was very young that he was a good man. thats what i remember now. and thats what i grieve for. my grandma, my cousin, 2 great friends to suicide....

i guess feeling the pain of my freinds' suicides should obviously tell me how painful it will be be for the folks left behind. im confused right now.

im afraid of myself. im not afraid of anyone except myself. there is something wrong with that.

i stay rational for so long and then i start to slip into irrationality. like now.
i want to burn. my mind tells me that im already on antibiotics, so why not?

im covered in scars, why not a few more? the pain will "bring me back".

i dont know that im making sense. i think i'll stop now.

thanks Jess....love you.

we must have been posting at the same time.
im a bit afraid that im not making much sense right now.

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qL5tXxNsMx0[/ame]

dont take this literally. i just like the song and right now i can relate.

Kelly woke up. damnit.

she's asked me to come to bed. i read her this post. she said she knew i havent been doing well even though i havent said much about it.

she doesnt know what to do. no one does. i suppose i'll lie down now.

maybe when i wake, the world will look different.

nothing looks any different.
im letting this thread die now...ive said all i can possibly say. im just taking up space.

Thing is rachel, yes there are people who seem to get better and then relapse, but isnt that part of healing. Its happens gradually and maybe the 'dips' arent as great as before and maybe the 'good' times get better each time. Please dont get dissolutioned...you are doing so well xxx

I don't know how much sense I'll make with my response, but I'll try.
I know life is hard, holidays especially, when you have lost loved ones. I lost my dad to cancer, and quite a few friends to suicide. Holidays especially rip open these sore spots in my heart. And while family that you still have is an incentive to keep going, YOU have to want to live for YOU. It's hard, I know, but I believe you're there. I believe there's a part of you that wants to live for you, or else you wouldn't have fought this far.
This wanting a few more scars, and wanting to go back is a part of healing. There's always gonna be a part of healing that says "this **** isn't worth it, I want to give up." And we fight through it, and it eventually gets easier.

I haven't really replied here in Vets much, but I've read a lot, and you're doing so well, don't give up yet. I'm only a PM away if you need me <3

Rach...I have read what you have written. Dont let this thread die. Hopefully someone will be able to give you something to help you feel a little better. I do think the fact you recognise you might be slipping into irrationality shows part of you is still rational and still in control though.

Oh! I wish I knew what to say, I really do. I do understand how you are feeling (obviously not exactly but a pretty good bit of it). You are not bad or evil or hopeless. I wish I believed you believed that.

*hugs*

thank you guys.

i really was going to let this thread die but now it doesnt seem fair because all of you have worked to reply.

i tried to watch a movie tonight with Kelly but couldnt keep my concentration. im trying.

ive been in a "zone" since i woke up today.

love you guys.
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

well,

Kelly is sitting close watching a comedy and i laugh when its funny and smile for her. but its only for her. its fake!! i hate being fake. but she's been so worried and upset about me so im doing the best i can to make her feel better.

but i also have to help myself. i do see my psych tomorrow. there is a possibility that i have to reschedule because Kelly has an appointment at the same time and we only have one vehicle. i hope she can reschedule because i really need to see my psych.

i intend to be honest with her about my thoughts. she knows the holidays are the hardest for me. i have to be very careful during these times or things will get out of control. once im out of control, things become...ummm unpredictable, spontaneous, and dangerous. so i cant let that happen.

i want to laugh and it be real. the irony is im laughing and it makes me want to cry, because it isnt real. ahhhh...i dont feel im making much sense anymore...

It makes sense, dear. At least to me, you do.

I'm low on words today (it's super early) but I wanted to say, I hope you do get to see your psych without rescheduling. and good job on wanting to be honest, that's what I struggle with the most, I always want to shut down into the "I'm doing perfectly" mode.

I'll be thinking of you xxx

thank you again :)

well....good news and bad news.

first good news!!
i woke up at 6am this morning WITHOUT a migraine!!! so i hopped out of bed (i have been walking on this cast for weeks now, lol), got Kaleb ready for school, woke Kelly when it was time to go...then i got busy. I did 3 loads of laundry, washed dishes, dusted, cleaned the living room, and lots of other little things :)

bad news...

around 11am, i was really tired, so i took a nap. i woke an hour later and as i was getting out of bed, i realized, i couldnt!! something in my lower back, on the left side hurt soooo bad and my left leg wouldnt hold me up. Kelly helped me to the living room....and after all this pain ive had over the last week...i was finished with it. we went straight to the urgent care clinic. the doc did alot of work on me and told me i have a bulging disc. i told him that i didnt hurt it, i never felt any pain until i woke from the nap!! he said that since i havent been very active from the headache and ankle...and then doing alot of activity this morning...thats what has done it. he said when i took a nap...the disc bulged while i was resting. he said it was common to happen that way.

so, he put me on a steroid pack which i hate because it makes me really jittery and nervous. and of course, the big fear...he prescribed hydrocodone. i told him that i had not had any in almost 3 weeks and was a bit scared to take them. he told me that i will need them for the first few days. also, bedrest for 2 days with ice on my back...then heat for comfort.

i was able to see my psych today and i told her of my fear about the hydrocodone. she was very understanding and told me i did it once and could do it again. so, im pretty confident.

my mental health seems to be better even though the physical isnt doing very well. i just simply woke up feeling better, plus i think that since i got alot accomplished, im feeling better about myself.

and i helped Kaleb with his homework tonight and now he and Kelly have gone to his den meeting for cub scouts.

the only thing left is there are bad storms coming through and possibilities of tornadoes :( i will be up late, no doubt.

i guess thats it.
loves.
xxxxx

this morning hasnt been very bright for me. im exhasuted because i couldnt sleep last night. im going to try and sleep in a bit.

simple hugs would be nice....yeah, still old fashioned, lol.

thanks guys.

*hugs*
I hope you did/do sleep <3

thank you :)

i did, indeed, have a very nice rest and have been given "a breath of fresh air" by someone :) thats always great to get!!

im feeling well mentally tonight, physically could be better but could also be worse.

Kaleb will be home soon and then things get rowdy, lol. homework and playing, then, supper, bath, etc. so im going to get myself ready for the little guy :)

*hopes everyone is doing the best they can*
loves.
xxxxx

Proud of you for picking the good things out and focusing on them and not the negative stuff. Well done honey! Proud of you :)

Well done with looking at the positive! xxx

Rach, do me a favor? Print this whole post off..or save it.
When you feel in doubt, like all is hopeless, read this thread back and really realize how you turned it all around.
By fighting, by struggling to find the positive and succeeding.
THAT is how you go on...
Very proud of you.
xx