I just dont know anymore.. help!!!
 

i need advice, or something.. i dont even know...i have beeen si free for almost an entire year now, but i stil feel this want for it. not neccessarily always an urge to actually do so, i just miss it sometimes, as if i'm missing a vital part ofmy persona. idk.. i feel as if another girl within me is being ripped to peices everyday i go by without si. i feel like i just can't have a life explicitly without it. i don't know if i ever will si again, but i ... i just don't know.. i'm totally lost and confused.. my mind is going everywhere, im so close to just giving up the year. idk, ill write more laterz i have to go. sorry
emz

Wow, that sounds familiar to me.
but its not part of your persona. it doesnt make you who you are.
a year is a long time. i just keep trying to remind myself how crappy i felt when i was in the worst of it. which is alot worse than this.
idk, take care, i know you said you dont nessecarily want to SI right now, but just think really hard about it before you do anything.
remember starting quitting? ack.
hang in there... i know, tho, it gets rough.

-Vanity

thanx for the advice
i still need to talk some more though.. i didnt get it all out earlier cuz.. well my thoughts were scrambledand i didnt even know what i was writing. i may repeat my slef a bit, but im gunna talk some more.
here goes
tonights been really frustrating on top of earlier today. i just got back from play practice and it absolutley sucked.. i dont know why exactly, im jsut so supersensitive about things. like someone giving me a dirty look and i'll start tearing up. but when it comes to the big emotions, the worst feelings, the feelings of discust and repulsion, i cant feel anything. i feel it way down deep, but i have absolutely no way of expresssing it. im soo lonely right now, i feel so desperate and in need of an old comfort. i really dont know what or who to turn to. i really cant pin point what i feel, or why i feel it. somethings just not tight. i miss my si, i really do. but i know in my brain that i am not allowed to go back there!!! but someone inside me tells me i needit, and i feel so much like wanting to go back there, where i was comfortable.. where i could see my pain, see what was spinning me in circles. i dont know wht is doing this to me !!!! im on my medication, but my nightmares are comming back, my attacks are comming back, and i get these sudden bursts of uncontrollable energy, or the urge to just laugh for minutes on end over absolutely nothing. then i feel sad and lonely and i dont know whats going on, im overwhelmed. i just want to cry and i dont know why. i feel like i am just falling, falling and spinning and everything is flying around in my head, i cant gather my thoughts enought to make sense. am i making sense!!!!???? help. i dont know what to do, i thought i was finished with this, i thought it was over, i reallythought what healling i had left to do would be aided with the medication, i thought i had taken care of these feelings and the medication had only allowed me to straighten it out untill icould handle it on my own. apparrently not!!! its not doing what its sposed to do, and i feel ...... lost.. im spinning in circles and i cant breath, i honestly cant catch my breath or stopp freaking out.. hel;p me.. i8 feel like i am going to scream... whats happening to me !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
im gunna go crazy
im driving myslef batty
ahhhhhhaahhhhhh
!!!!!!!!!
im begging for help here.. i just cant handle this
i dont want to go bck there, but then again i do
but if i do then i will remember.. i dont want to
the nightmares are too scry
i dont want to remember
i dont want to feel disgustin....
i want to know where im at
im falling to peices
im spinning arouhnd and i cant breath!!!!!!!!
help!!!
emz

I'm so lost!!!!!!!its been 3 days and i still feel the same!!!!!!!1 im freaking out!!!

I know exactly what you mean when you say you miss your si. It was your security, your friend, and you don't say goodbye to friends without missing them.
You are no longer chained to your si. It has no power over you anymore, and it can no longer make you ashamed or guilty or persuaded into hurting yourself. Stay strong, these feelings will pass eventually. It's like a withdrawl. I still miss it, too, even after almost 2 years, but I know I have the power in me to resist the notion. And you can resist it, too.
Hang in there! You can get through this!

First off, Congrats on the year. That in itself is a amazing accomplishment.

Now, I also understand what you mean when you say you miss it. It was your 'security blanket' so to speak, and now you're having to learn how to live without it. How to deal with problems with out it. And that can be extremely hard sometimes. But it can be done. You can continue to fight the urges. It does not have to control your life anymore.

Stay safe.

xx