Craving
 

tomorrow i'll be 11months free.
but for te past few months i've really been craving cutting. on saturday i almost cut. i had a knife against my wrist and was so close to cutting. i didnt but only because i had to use the knife to finish cooking and i didnt want to get blood in the food. every time i'm in the kitchen now, i was to get the knife and cut. or get something so i can cut.
i dont know how much longer i can hold on for. the only reason i havent cut yet is because i dont want my closest friend to be disappointed in me. i dont want to let her down. but every day is becoming more and more of a struggle not to cut..
i just dont know what to do...
any hugs or support would be very much appreciated.

soph.

Firstly, 11 months is absolutely amazing and you should be really proud of yourself for that. I am!

I know that it is hard, but could you try to avoid the kitchen when you are feeling vulnerable to cutting? Or maybe just have someone with you... or talk on the phone with someone while you are in the kitchen so you are cooking and keeping yourself distracted at the same time?

If all else fails keeping using you friend as a goal to keep on not cutting. She obviously cares a lot about you, you you care a lot about her to not cut for her. Do you think that you could talk to her about this and maybe she could be of support to you?

I know you can get through this. You are strong enough and you have shown that through the 11 months that you have not cut.

Take care of yourself
*hugs and cuddles*
x Kate

said friend has enough stuff going on in her own life. i dont want to burden her with this. i think she's down enough with my ED stuff without adding this to the mix.
staying out of the kitchen is hard because at some point i'll have to get something to eat or drink. i cant call anyone because i have a panick attack every time i go anywhere near the house phone and cant call from my mob because its too expensive. the only other person in my house is my mom and she doesnt know that i know where she hid the knife. she hid it after i went into hosp last year and i found it a few months ago. she doesnt know i've found it and seeing as we're not talking she's not going to be finding out any time soon.
there's nothing that distracts me from cutting any more. and i cant talk to my friend about it. i just dont knwo what to do. i'm so confused about everything...

What is it giving you the urges to cut Soph? You say you've been craving it for a while but on Saturday you came really close, did anything trigger it? Avoid any temptations and that means getting your mum to put the knife somewhere else; and it means you will need to not look for it again. Distract yourself when you have those urges.

Furthermore, said friend is unlikely to be "disappointed" that you cut, more concerned for your general wellbeing. You know self harm, specifically cutting, is just a coping method for what is going on in your life, can you tell us a bit more about what you think cutting would help you to do? Then, we can give you other ways to beat the urges.

On that note, an excellent link is "What to do RIGHT NOW instead of SI ", which might be worth reading and taking careful note of, as you can match your feelings with appropriate actions, and relieve your urges to cut.

Please keep talking to us; we're here to get you through this.
*cuddles*
Aimee xoxox

i dont think anything triggered me, though i cant really be sure as i havent exactly been doing well at the moment. i know i miss cutting though, the action, the addiction, everything about it. and since i dont really care about getting better atm, it seems like even more of a reason to start again. i just want to feel the pain again.
...i dont know if that makes much sense...

congrats on not cutting for 11 months. i know, it's extremely hard to fight those urges. you have already made it so far and you can handle this. try not to give in. stay strong.