What am I thinking
 

I have been in and out of the site for the last month just not knowing where to go.... I post something then delete it... I look ofr chat then run away.

I am scared.

My life has been rough in the last 21 years. I have been verbally assaulted, had things thrown at me, slapped, my hair pulled, hit, kicked and pushed around like a rag doll. All of this by my own loving and caring husband. :et me start by saying he has not hit me in over 5 years, and in the last 15 months he has not hit either of our 2 boys.... But with us all suffering from PTSD it feels like today.

My hubby has been on Paxil for 10 months he was doing pretty well, until the Dr said he will not refill the scrip w/o an appointment (800 miles away) (we've moved) So hubby takes it upon himself to start weening himself off by cutting pills in half.... He was on 20 mil then cut to 10 for a week and now I think he is off of them. He has been a pain in my behind all week complaining about his back hurting and being sick to his stomach. Normally I am a VERY doting wife and nursemaid. Well he doesn't think so this time around, I don't blame him I don't think I am being as empathetic as normal, I am PMSing. I believe he is too quick about going off the meds, he has an appt with a dr tomorrow, i doubt he will even bring it up... He thinks he is ok and thinking clearly. I can not seem to show him how irrational he is being.

Today when I finally got my period, we had a heck of a fight, it started with a misunderstanding that I did not let get cleared up fast enough. You see he started it wrong... He looked at me and said "you know you are not pretty." At which point I was instantly offended and shocked and tried to leave the room. he said "Wait! That's not fair." yeah? I know... well I can't remember all of what was said but I said something to the effect of feeling negative and he got up to go lay down, I asked him "What you can't sit up and talk to me anymore" so he came back to talk.... I started to tell him how I felt and he interrupted me and asked if it was really physical pain or if it was psychosomatic. I said I did not want him analyzing me and got up. So he asked me if I could not sit anymore, I said "NO! I am going to get the heating pad and will be right back." He said "SIT DOWN!" I sat back down. He then asked why I could not sit down I said it is cramps and I need the heating pad. he said why don't you have to get it now, what is stopping you? Is it the physical pain I said "NO! it is the emotional Abuse" which stopped him in his tracks and he said "Did you just say I abuse you?" I said yes,,, He said goodbye and started to pack. I went in after him and told him it was unfair for him to run away. He did not like that much and just kept packing. He had everything packed and in the living room by the time I understood what was really going on.... The trigger here was not the conversation, it was the word abuse....
You see a little over a year ago our oldest son called the police when his dad backhanded him for the last time... he went to jail and court and is labeled a child abuser a label he has been trying very had to not live up to... so when I said it he was afraid he was going to jail so he should leave before that happens. I knew it was not going to happen but he did not.....

So now you have a woman who heard her husband say she is not pretty, and a man hear his wife call him and abuser and stuff all over the place when the kids get home from school so we lock them out of the house for hours....(we do reward them and give them $20 to go get themselves supper wherever they want to go, cause this ugly woman ain't gonna cook tonight.) Tempers flair and are talked back down, words are thrown out like knives and cause some serious blows.... but he is still here tonight. the bags are still packed. But we had some REALLY healing words come out too.

I have been hating my husband for a long time, and not doing a good job of hiding that fact... when I had given him a compliment today ( I actually gave 3) he started crying because he said he could not remember the last time i complimented him. In all honesty, I can not either. I have such animosity toward him.

My oldest child asked me the other day when he was upset sith his dad. " Mom do you even remember when Dad made you smile last, without making a joke?" I can not.:sad:

The end of the conversation is that he stayed. I talked him into it.... But I will wonder for a long time if it was the right thing to do.....

Oh, the comment about not being pretty, he said the end of it was supposed to be that i had matured and that I had more of an elegance that he is attracted to..... but .... that's for another post.

Normally, if i feel this way, i would take a few to pause...sorry but this time I cant...
I replied to your post on no sex...this is the LAST of your worries...

Especially after reading this;

So now you have a woman who heard her husband say she is not pretty, and a man hear his wife call him and abuser and stuff all over the place when the kids get home from school so we lock them out of the house for hours....(we do reward them and give them $20 to go get themselves supper wherever they want to go, cause this ugly woman ain't gonna cook tonight.) Tempers flair and are talked back down, words are thrown out like knives and cause some serious blows.... but he is still here tonight. the bags are still packed. But we had some REALLY healing words come out too.


WTF???? You 'REWARD' your children by giving them money so they can EAT ?!?!


But we had some REALLY healing words come out too.

Oh...well thats great...sure your kids feel much better for that....

I don't know much about health services in America, but I'm wondering why you haven't registered with another doctor yet? It's so important to look after yourself and especially as a mother. Who would look after your children if anything happened to you?
If you "all" suffer from PTSD, you really should register with a doctor. Get your husbands pills sorted.

I hope you take care and can turn this situation around...

your husband could certainly find another doctor so he continue with his meds since they were helping him. if it helps your situation and ESPECIALLY your children's, then sex really needs to not be an issue.

and if this man has abused you AND your children, how can you find it in yourself to be intimate with him?

i am a strong advocate for children, and the minute a man or woman hurt my child...it would be OVER. no excuses.

Your husband is a manipulative , nasty , vindictive, scared little man.

He knew 100% you would not throw him out for fear of being alone and he plays on it 100%.

If you hadnt run after him i guarantee he would not have known what to do.

He is obviously a total coward to have to hit a woman and small children. He probably thinks hes a big man but he less a man than his kids!

No one deserves what you are going through. I have to agree with romp and be somewhat disturbed and upset for your children that you had to pay them off for your husbands cruelty and vindictiveness. Cant you see it was almost validating his dreadful behaviour by doing this?

However i am sure that what you did, was probably what you thought best at the time in order to protect them from hearing the war you were having together.

It must be so terribly hard. You must feel really alone. Im really sorry.

I think you need some help here. I think you need it sooner than later. the longer you leave it the more his behaviour will be watered down. Leaving you open for the next abusive wave to come crashing in.

Do you know how much children pick up? Do you know how they store all of the **** up over the years and never forget it?

This man is damaging your babies. Physically and emotionally. Bruises heal but the emotional scars last years.

You AND your children deserve better. If your religion is playing a major part in you staying with this horrid bully then i strongly suggest you question your faith. No god would condone this!

Dont let guilt rule your life.

I really am so dreadfully sorry for the situation you find yourself in. It troubles me you end up complimenting him days later. Cant you see his reaction is one to further feed your guilt? he turns the entire situation around and makes you out to be the neglectful one? Cant you see this?

I really hope you get some help with this. You are not a bad person but im afraid this man is!

Perhaps find a help group for abused women? I think you need to hear it from other sufferes so that you can see that what he is doing really is wrong.

dont teach your children how to stay in an abusive relationship. Teach them how to be strong and look after themselves and what is right! Loving respect is right! Not this!

hugs
Matthew x

Wow, not the reaction I expected.
Ok, for clarification, I was writing this last night after everyone went to sleep, the boys were not outside for hours, it was almost 1 hour, it was beautiful outside, and we could hear them laughing as they were telling jokes, they were not neglected. They also had the car and could have done anything they wanted to. Wow, I can not even believe I have to defend my actions here.... I was looking for a little bit of support, maybe I have not "found" the right place after all.
I love my kids, my husband loves my kids, and yesterday I needed a hearing ear because I have none....
I do not qualify for the "abuse counseling" here, and do not have insurance to help pay for private counseling.... However, my kids have insurance and my husband took them to their first appt a couple of weeks ago, and at the intake told the woman "I abused these boys and I want them to heal" In the last year he has changed a lot, like I said he has not hit anyone or been physically abusive in over a year. How can I justify leaving now that he is not hitting when I did not leave then? Don't answer that if you are going to not be supportive.... We have been through a lot of changes in the last year. (The brain recognizes the chemicals for change to be the same as the ones for torture...) I came to this site hoping to find a place to help me, have someone to help process some of the emotions I have running thru me.... again, I just want someone to understand, and support the fact that I am staying with my husband because he is different than he was 15 months ago, and will do all I can to keep it that way.

I love the man he has been in the last 15 months but I still have these feelings of anger that flare in me that I want to work through....

I was in an abusive relationship for almost 5 years. My boy was on various pills too to help with his moods. It never changed a damn thing. A pill can help with the chemical reactions in the body but it doesn't "cure" someone who is an ********.

He may not have hit you for a year. He may appear to be a better man. But i don't trust a man once he has stepped over the boarder and been violent towards me.

You're not a bad person. I stayed as well, hoping to dear god i could make him change, that i could save him from himself. I couldn't. It's 7 years ago he walked out of me and i still feel the consequences of this relationship. I have not had a partner in those 7 years. I have nightmares most nights where i dream he turns up at my flat to kill me or beat me up.

If you love this man and genuinely believe that he has changed, then i won't tell you to walk out. After all i don't live your life. What i'm saying is that people like him don't change. They don't. And they don't deserve second or third chances. But as i don't know you i won't tell you what to do. What i will tell you though is to be on guard. Be careful.

I certainly didnt mean to come across like i didnt care, because i do, but when you read what you have written it reads that you have spent a lifetime with an abusive man who STILL continues to abuse you and in the past abused your children and you are still pandering to his wants and needs.

It may sound harsh but i doubt there are many here who would not be shocked and worried for you as to what you have written.

I think the strong reactions are because what you write is so awful and you seem so accepting of it.

Im actually scared for you and your family.

Im not sure you really see whats going on here?

^^That.
I wont apologize because I think you do need to realize the horrible impact this is having, and forever will have, on your children.
They are stuck in this; they didnt ask to be in this situation. They rely on you.
I'm truly relieved to hear they have some form of couns.
Many ppl on this site are here due to growing up in this sort of situation.
It is no good for them, OR YOU.
You certainly do not deserve this sort of life either.

(ETA: Not sure why they say you dont qualify for abuse couns., that just seems wrong...but it happens, unfortunately. Are there any free services available? Or ones that work on a sliding scale, where you pay a set amount depending on your income? Even if they do not focus on abuse [which obv. would be best] maybe anything would be a benefit for you?)

i will apologize for "judging" so quickly.

i just have many personal experiences of being that "scared little child" and my mother kept me in that situation for 18 years. i didnt get to make the choice.

i truly am sorry if i hurt you with my words. i know you need understanding and empathy like we all do.

its early but when i saw that you had been hurt by some replies, i felt compelled to apologize for "jumping" so quickly. i dont have much to offer right now.

im not an uncaring person and i didnt mean to come across that way. i just wish you could find a way to get away from that man to help yourself and your children because they ARE helpless.

much love.
xxxxxxxxx