so tired & questions re work
 

I'm at work. But I can barely do anything standing up. I'm so exhausted. My legs feel wobbly and my head feels cotton wooly.
I feel guilty. I can't 'pull my weight'.
I'm just so tired.

Slept well Saturday night.
Slept 2 hours yesterday afternoon.
Didn't sleep so great last night.
Am eating ok for now.

Am going through exceptionally deep process in therapy.

I'm not ill. 'Just' tired and wobbly.

I can't keep taking time off work. It's not fair, and being alone... sucks. But I'm just so tired.

This probably comes across as 'poor me'. Sorry.

Anything I can do to feel more... energised? [NB Coffee isn't an option, due to it's effects on me.]

I need to go and try and do something, but I feel so tired.

I'm home now. Still utterly exhausted.

Not long after I posted this, a colleague asked me why I was so tired, and said I should get a sick note from my doctor, so that they can get another member of staff in, as I've been ill for a long time. :\ [yeah, practically my whole life. huh]
This made me feel so guilty. I was close to tears. She was miffed I wasn't running around [like I usually do] doing the shelving.
I'm not sure whether to tell my managers this.
Should I not be at work? Maybe it's selfish for me to be at work.

But I'm not ... ill. Am I?

Oh well. I guess I shouldn't have posted. Not interesting enough or something. Sorry.

I emailed my managers.

I'm going to bed.

Sorry, didn't actually see this until now, for some reason.

Do you feel angry with your colleague for being more concerned about getting another member of staff in? I just think I would feel quite... dismissed if someone said that about me, especially knowing the emotional energy you have to put in to living, and therapy, outside of work, and knowing that you still manage to get yourself into work every day in a situation where a lot of people wouldn't try as hard.

I don't think it's selfish of you to be at work. I don't know what the sudden tiredness is, or, indeed if time off work will be beneficial to you, but I know that deep emotional work can drain the hell out of you. I also know that supressing feelings can make you feel whacked, like needing to sleep helps avoid things.

What do you think would help you feel more energised at the moment? If it's time off work then that might be worth looking into, but I don't want you to feel isolated.

Please remember to congratulate yourself on how hard you do actually work, in all areas of your life.

I hope you manage to get some good-quality sleep and feel a bit more rested in the morning.

I'm not sure what to say at the moment, I'm a bit short on words tonight, but I just wanted to agree with disappear - it must be very easy today to feel a bit dismissed, like they haven't acknowledged just down tired and emotionally drained you're feeling and the fact that you're there doing your best to help despite that.

I hope you feel a bit better with some rest, keep us updated if you feel up to it. x

Thanks.
Sorry for being all snicky last night. I think, yes, what she said has left me feeling dismissed. She's had depression, some years ago, but it was one episode, not an ongoing thing. And often she's the one who sits around while I do almost everything. So I'm more than a bit peeved. [I shouldn't really be saying this, really..]Yes, I do feel angry. And insecure. I didn't really 'need' anything to add to those feelings of shame I get about how my illness is and how it got to be - although I am working on self compassion.

I do have some days of annual leave already booked in the coming weeks, although not the time my therapist is away, as I need to be as busy as possible then. I don't think I need more time off. I'm moderately ok as long as I'm sitting down as much as possible. Which isn't always so easy with the way we have to work now.

I've emailed my managers, so I'll see where things go from here.

Unfortunately I didn't sleep well last night. I couldn't get off to sleep for ages because I was virtually hyper-ventilating and my nose was also blocked and I felt panicky.
I'm working through feeling states from very early childhood in therapy, building a bridge of connection and understanding from then to the present, and so repairing some of the rifts from that time. It's necessary work, and I've come through some of the heavy defences that were up against it - although this wasn't necessarily a fully conscious choice to do so, it's part of the work and came up and I'm facing it. It means though that after my sessions at the moment I just want to go home and sleep.

But I also need to be around and relate with people, you're right, Laura, that isolation isn't a great option for me at all.

Katie, as the tiredness is new, or at least is making more impact now I think it is worth discussing with your Dr. It may be that you are emotionally exhausted - I know when I am stressed and anxious I can get this. Your Dr should check for things like your thyroid and for adrenal exhaustion though, and it is worth asking about the later - as you have been under a lot of stress and anxiety recently and it can bring about the feelings you are describing...

How are you eating now - you say 'okay' but what is okay for you? Do you think having an energy drink may help to raise your blood sugars and help provide the boost of energy you may need to keep going. I know when I am ill or tired, sometimes I need more carbs and sugar to give me the extra energy it takes to move....

Your colleague had no right to say those things to you - do you think you could let your actual line manager know this was said and how it made you feel? (sorry if you already have - I was not sure what you e-mailed your manager)...

I wish I had better words right now, or suggestions of what may help - Beyond being gentle with yourself. Try to keep taking things easy and try not to feel guilty about it. If you are tired, pushing yourself may well make it worse.

*safe cuddles*

Roiben x

Sorry Katie but I have nothing constructive to add to what has already been said, but I am thinking about you. Please get in touch at any time if you need to talk.

Thank you both.

I met with both my managers today. We agreed that I have got to a point where I really do need to slow down and not force myself to keep going. We arranged for me to have my Thursday hours off, as well as tomorrow's. Which is a relief, as I really do need a rest.
Regarding my colleague, I was advised not to put much store by what she said, that it's just the way she is... My managers don't think I need to take long term sick leave or anything, and one of them said something really sweet about me and my work, which made me feel really chuffed.

Roiben, I'm seeing my GP again on 8th October. But she'll probably put it down to simply emotional factors.

You're right that I have been experiencing intense anxiety and stress for a long time now. Well, all my life, but not every single moment of every single day, quite. In recent months/years, particularly - as I untangle all I suppressed/repressed. Which includes not only childhood and teen stuff, but stuff related to being involved with lots of heavy duty spiritual practice in my late 20s.

Regarding food. At the moment I'm eating much as I normally do. But there was a while when I wasn't, and I barely have any fat reserves at all, so I guess that weakened me, too.

Katie, I am glad your managers are supportive - Did it help to have them say that?

I am also glad you are eating - and hope you did not mind me checking.. I am never sure how to take 'okay' when people use that in relation to feeligns and eating.

Although I imagine a lot of your tiredness is emotional at the route - I still think it is a good idea to ask to the GP, and speak with them, purely because this seems to be affecting you more than it has in the past. It is difference enough to be worth bringing up with them.

*safe hugs* thinking of you.
Roiben x

Thanks Roiben.

Yes, it helps, what my managers said. Much as part of me wants to fight that...

Are you back at work now, Katie?

How are you finding it?

Roiben x

Work's ok. But am taking things very gently. Colleague is still quite resentful, I can tell, and that's hard to negotiate around for me.
Was off today, and am again on Thursday. [this was prearranged, is not technically my health/illness related.]

Katie, try to remember that you are doing nothing wrong - and that your line managers have confirmed that for you.

Your colleagues feelings are theirs, and I imagine there is little you can do about it, sadly. They are for them to work through and discuss with their line managers, should they wish. Please, do try not to put pressure on yourself to fix them, or to cater to their view of how things should be.

*safe hugs* I hope you enjoy your annual leave - Do be gentle with yourself. I am glad you are taking things gently... I know how tempting it can be to force ourselves to plough straight in at the deep end to somehow prove we are better.

Roiben x