Apology [to everyone]
 

I'm posting this here because it feels the best place. I hope that's ok.

I want to apologise, for everything. I never meant to hurt anyone.

I lost my boundaries.
I couldn't give myself safe boundaries for a while. I was very frightened.
Part of my illness/stuff from my past is that I have a tendency, especially when under stress, to feel under threat all the time, and not to protect myself properly.
I don't seem to do 'flight' as much any more, and I 'fight' instead. Which is not nice for anyone.

Although I've been under stress with not having had any of my treatment team around for near-on several weeks, and stressors at work and home; what really activated my defence system big time was the abortion thread in N&D. It stirs up all my 'I was born premature so apparently according to this I am not quite whole and I don't really exist and I have no right to live and that's what everyone believes [etc]...' Total primitive terror and according defences. Add in my grief for never having had sex or that I'll never be a mother, and the biological clock is ticking away... Then the whole Complex PTSD symptom of believing that I am 'totally different from all of humanity' in not a good way.
I generally in the recent past have been able to give myself boundaries and stay away from such threads. Unfortunately, with everything else, I lost my healthy safety mechanism.

I am sorry. I am working at taking responsibility for my defensive mind set. I am working in therapy now on building up trust.

I would appreciate your all trusting me to work through this, and to believe that I never meant to upset or hurt anyone. And I hope you can understand the context of pain that things happened in.

If I do slip up and inadvertently upset anyone again, perhaps you could say something like "I feel hurt by what you said, because...[explaining why is important] and I'm pretty sure you didn't mean to hurt me. Can we look at what's going on here?" That way I think it would help diffuse the atmosphere of threat on both sides and appeal to my reflective, connected self rather than the defences. I appreciate that might be a lot to ask, so I'll at least try and bear it in mind myself.

Katie

Thank-you for posting this, I am sure it will be appreciated. Don't be too hard on yourself though we all make mistakes when we are not feeling so good. *Leaves hugs*

Thanks Kat.

And, it genuinely does make me feel very sad and upset that I've hurt people. Translated, my 'attacks' really meant "Please, this hurts, I want you to understand. I need someone to understand. I need to know I'm not the only person ever to feel this way because of this." It just 'came out wrong'.

Its kinds of like when someone starts slamming doors, you know somethings wrong, but your too afraid to ask incase they get angry with you. But the person slamming the door just wants people to notice that they are hurting, but dont know how else to say.

I think people understand, well all get like this time to time and people will appreciate you being honest with them, and remember we are all here if you need to talk about things :)

Thanks Mari. :)

Yeah. Totally like that.

I think I'm seeing more and more now what my therapist has explained to me - how growing up at home I was never given a model of negotiating and talking things through and understanding different viewpoints. Dad was 'God'. Mum was in the wrong. Katherine was bad and it was all her fault too. That's what I 'learned'. Even though I am learning a more connected way of communicating as an adult, the default is still there when a 'trigger' pushes in. It's like when a computer lands with a certain kind of virus, one that overrides the virus protection and cancels it out. :\

Part of the thing for me is when something gets stirred up - like from the abortion thread - I get a whole heap of shame, and it feels too shameful to talk about. I need to overcome this, I know.

Dasher, thank you. This is a general apology, yes. :)

The feeling threatened mindset is very selfish, I'm seeing now. What it did in your case [I think it came at a time when I was very raw from this person who was stalking me online and harassing me with her defaming psychiatric diagnosis of me] was I read and thought "Oh God, here someone else sees me as crap and what I say as worthless." Which of course is more of an expression of my own low self esteem and paranoid 'ideas of reference'. In low self esteem, I believe how can I possibly hurt someone, because what I say is meaningless and I'm so worthless. All of that messy bundle. You were vulnerable, I tried to relate, but I was vulnerable and not great at communicating due to that, and then it was 'too late'. I regret it, I genuinely do.

I'll ponder over a way to word things for my sig. How about -

"I'm a survivor of complex relational trauma and this can affect my communication. If I inadvertently say something you don't feel comfortable with, tell me. It helps if you explain why, and also understand that I don't mean to cause any harm." ?

Just big hugs.

((((((((((((((((((((Katie))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks. :)

I think I'll plan to have in the sig. when I'm having a bad day. I think it might feel too punitive on me if I leave it in all the time. It's a great idea to have it, and I think it's important. I just think it gives me more responsibility to decide when I need to inform people.

I've amended it to -

I'm a survivor of complex relational trauma and this can affect my communication. I'm having a bad day today, so if I inadvertently say something you don't feel comfortable with, tell me. It helps if you explain why, and also understand that I don't mean to cause any harm.

I've saved it onto the Notes on my desktop side bar thingy! :)

Sometimes I'm not very good at communicating what I mean either and so can come across as very angry (not saying you do, this is me). It causes lots of problems in my life. I'm talking to my therapist about it....last bit she said to me was something along the lines of looking at what barriers there were to effective communication in my life. I don't have any answers, but I wanted to post to say I know how hard it is to be hurt and scared and sometimes really really angry because of how much pain there is inside and that not to be understood by people. I'm not saying my way of communicating is appropriate (it quite clearly is not! i hate hurting people..)...but I know how painful it can be screaming inside and not being able to show that externally.

Self acceptance and personal responsibility, I believe, is key to mental well-being. It is really, really, really hard though!! I struggle with it.

Thank you for understanding. Even though, technically, it's not a place in the mind I would wish on anyone... I know how hard it is.

Hey Katie i feel that at times i have been in a similar mindset to the things you have expressed in your recent threads.i can never know how totally bad it makes you feel for you but i do know that it is hard and that it does make interactions harder too [for everyone ie the person involved and those around them] or at least thats what i personally have found when ive reflected on having been in similar places previously myself though ive not always realised it at the time i was actually there.i also think having something in your sig is a fab idea.

But what im really posting to say is i think your actually really brave and you can get through this.Many people would have run and hid from the real issues here [including myself for quite a while i would think] and what others had the need to say to them.But i feel you are facing it and being open and honest, trying to talk through whats going on for you, sharing with everyone and even apologising.

That takes guts and makes me think you and others can come through this.Well done.

xx xx

Thank you Kath.

I'm way too tired to write a coherent reply this evening. I have plenty of time tomorrow, so will do then. :)