Taking an unvoluntary break from therapy but I think it is a huge mistake
 

Last week I was told by my therapist that she thought maybe I should take a vacation from therapy for a month. That means I won't be seeing her and I won't be in my 3x a week therapy group. I also can't call her. At the end of the 4 weeks I am supposed to make a decision about whether or not I want to continue with therapy or not. I understand her reasoning, because I haven't really been participating in therapy, I've just kind of been there physically.

I was relieved at first because I was fed up with my DBT group and just wanted to hide in my room all the time. I still want to hide in my room all the time but now I'm seeing that this isn't good for me. I stay in bed all day and think about horrible things. I know I should just be able to get up and do something but I can't seem to make myself.

Now I've found out that I also can't contact my psychiatrist because he is on vacation. I've been seeing him once a week. So I've gone from almost 9 hours of therapy (that includes my time with the psychiatrist even though that isn't really therapy) each week to absolutely nothing. He works by himself, but he has another psychiatrist covering in case of emergency. I don't feel I'm at the point where it is an emergency yet.

How is it that I can feel so miserable in therapy and hate every minute of my time there and yet still want to go back? I guess I just that when I'm in therapy that is 9 hours of the week that I am safe. I don't want to talk to anyone there, I just feel like I need to be sitting there to be safe.

Now I feel I have been totally abandoned. How can I survive another 3 weeks?

I just don't know what to do. Any advice?

If you aren't ready to participate, are you able to access outpatient activities to keep you safe? There are duty workers you can talk to as well if you need to. x

i dont agree with this at al
there needs to be some support in place for you !
how do you feel deep down about the decision?

The only way to access an outpatient program here is to either be inpatient first or to be referred by my psychiatrist. I don't think he would be willing to refer me, but it doesn't matter because he is on vacation. And there is no way I'm going inpatient.

What is a duty worker?

I think this is wrong. I know I need therapy. Even though I don't really participate it isn't because I'm being stubborn and refusing to talk. It is more an anxiety thing and being afraid that sharing what I am thinking and feeling will make me too vulnerable and I'll just get hurt more. I open up one week, then close up again the next.

But at this point I wonder if maybe this isn't the right therapist for me. If she were, I think she would have understood that I need more support than, well, none. And now that I feel abandoned by her I don't know if I'll be able to trust her when I do go back in a month.

Maybe I should just find a new therapist now instead of waiting?

Can you not ask for 1:1 therapy? I'd struggle in a group as well.

Our outpatient dept has activities that aren't restricted to people who have been inpatient. One night a week they do art classes for example.

I don't have a CPN as I see a psychologist, but if I ring up CMHT I can speak to a duty worker.

That doesn't sound very professional :S. At a time when everywhere they seem to be promoting the idea of taking control of your own care too!!

Do you have some kind of care plan worked out, like who to call or who you should contact in certain situations? From the sounds of it probably not :S

In hope

I see one therapist for individual therapy and another at the same clinic for group therapy. I have to be in both or neither; I can't just choose one. Both are hard for me though.

I have an "emergency care plan" written out, but it lists both therapists and my psychiatrist, so it doesn't help me much right now.

On a more positive note, though, I had to see my primary doctor for something completely unrelated. Even though I usually don't talk to him about my mental health issues, other than to tell him when my medications change, I decided to be brave today. He had said that he doesn't normally tell patients to contact him for things like this, but that he wants me to call him if I need anything at all until I can see my psychiatrist and therapist again. He also said he can refer me to a new therapist if I decide to see a different one. So even though that still doesn't give me very much support at all, at least I don't feel completely abandoned. Just knowing that I have someone who I already know that I can call helps somehow.