Advice for a Friend?
 

Hi all,

I’m looking for some words of wisdom I can pass on to a friend who’s going through some tough times. To break it down as simply as I can, here is what happened:

About four years ago my friend (B) began dating a girl (T), another mutual friend. T was B’s first relationship ever; B had and still has some pretty deep self-esteem issues and always told himself that he’d never find anyone. They dated until about a year ago when they ended the relationship for reasons I’m still not clear on. However, they remained good friends, were roommates and (BAD IDEA) continued to sleep together on and off until a few months ago, when T developed an interest in another mutual friend, M. She spoke with B and told him that she wanted to give it a shot with M, but that she wanted to remain friends with B as well.

B is now beginning to develop some pretty serious issues. He’s understandably sad; you don’t get out of a four year relationship without some baggage and sadness. However, he’s intensely jealous of M, even coming to me know that M and I used to date, to ask me how M was in bed – to compare himself with M. B swears he cannot be happy without T as his girlfriend, and is placing all responsibility for his happiness on her, which I have told him is a) foolish, and b) extremely unfair to her. He is becoming very depressed, is beginning to drink when he shouldn’t, and we are worried that he is beginning to self harm. I emailed him to encourage him, tell him I cared and to suggest that perhaps he consider a group like RYL for advice and support. He appears to have no desire to seek out support other than talking to me, but knows he needs the help. He knows he’s headed in a bad direction but seems resistant to do anything. He believes he cannot be happy if he doesn’t have a girlfriend, specifically T.

I’ve told him the following:
-He needs to be relatively happy with himself before he can be happy with someone else.
-He cannot depend on another person for all his happiness; it’s a bad idea.
-Dating right now is the worst thing he could do – he needs to take care of himself, grieve his loss, heal, and take some time for himself to recharge.
-He needs to seek out someone to talk to who can offer real help.

He emailed me back and although he appreciates the suggestions, he is resistant to any and all help, and seems to think that a place like RYL would do him no good. I’m at a loss for what else to tell him. T and M are also quite worried about him and are feeling equally lost.

So, RYLers, what would you say if you were in my position? Any words of wisdom you can offer that I could pass on to my friend?

Thanks for reading, I know I rambled on. <3

My personal motto is "Everything will be ok in the end, if it's not ok, it's not the end"

I think the advice you gave him is good, sound advice and was the right thing to say.


BTW, I'm really confused, what do S and R have to do with B and T?


AD

Thanks Angle Dust. That's very reassuring and means a lot.

Oh, and I just got my letters mixed up, thanks for the heads up! *chuckles*

I kinda figured thats what had happened, and I guessed who was supposed to be who, so it still made sense.

The only other thing I can think of, is that if B and T are still roommates, they should prolly find other living arrangements.


AD

Are you close with both B and T?

I would make it clear that you won't give any information about M to B because you then have clear boundaries. I would let him know you are there for him and keep your door open for him always.

Sometimes people have their finger's firmly on the self destruct button and until they realise it, it can feel like your advice is falling on deaf ears.

Could you get some counsellors names and tell him you will be there for him especially if he need's motivating.

huggles you

xoox

I'm quite close to all three of them; we've been friends for years. And this makes it all the more difficult.

As for counselors, he's outright refused. He's gone several different counselors, but refuses to go back because it gets too hard. I've told him that this is just a part of therapy; it's not a cure-all or a quick fix, it's work and sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. But he doesn't want to deal with the hard stuff, and we can't very well force him.

I think we may just have to be as supportive as we can and let him go at it on his own, as sad as that sounds.

Thanks again for everyone who answered, it means a lot. <3