Hi again
 

Long time not around. Cos life got icky.

Life is still icky.

Today I have managed to...

"Break Up" with sort-of-boyfriend person.
Almost eat lunch
Reinforce break up with sort-of-boyfriend person, who didn'tquite get it this morning.
Talk to nurse - I want to cease to exist/run away/be dead/go Home
Talk to tutor - my work is finally suffering. I failed an exam, no big deal, I handed in an essay that was plagerised, erm, how? nevermind, redo essay, and get 60 on the paper next term, fine, no big deal, but, wtf plagerism?!? Bad bad bad bad bad whoever did that. Oh yeah, and we also covered the "you could get a first, you are that smart" and "your academics never suffered before, which said, yes, things are problematic, but the core of you was fine" I pointed out that we essentially destroyed the core over Easter. I need a plan to fix it. But my therapist can't see me right now, so I'm working blind. Oh, and my essay title for tomorrow has changed, so I need to rework that.

I left feeling more down that I have in a while. It's a pervasive feeling right now, I was to leave. Just walk out on my life. Walk out and not come back. It's doable, I think. I don't want to continue to try and manage the between times between crashes and contain those when they happen.

Whatever I was meant to do, this isn't it.

I'm being pulled "Home" even though I have no idea where it is. And I don't want to go. But if someone showed up to take me there, I'm not sure how much resistance I'd offer.

The constant flashbacks are back. Again.

Can I have just one problem at a time, perhaps. Maybe just feel suicidal, or just feel flashbacks, or just... And then I'd be able to manage work okay. Cos right now, right now I'm not.

Scratch that. Right now, I'm re-reviewing "We are not in a relationship" with The Guy.

Running away isnt the answer hun. Do you enjoy your course? Do you still want to do it?
If yes, what about maybe going part time so that you get longer to do things?
If you dont want to do the course, what about transferring to something else?

Its good that you have been able to talk to your tutor. Did they suggest anything?

Kim's right, running away isn't the answer. Maybe you need to take a break for a little bit and see if you can get yourself together a bit more.

It is good you could talk to your tutor. Were they helpful at all? At least if you talk to them, they might be able to understand a bit better and cut you some slack.

With respect to 'the guy' if you don't want to be in a relationship with him then don't let yourself be pressured back into one. I understand it can be hard to work out what you want so can you try to talking it over with someone?

It sounds like you're having a really tough time at the moment and i wish i could say something more useful. Have you told your therapist how things are going right now and how it's affecting your work?

Stay safe and take care,
Tabby

Maybe home is a place where you feel safe inside you.

It does exist, but has been lost and surrounded with protective brambles over the years.. But it is still there...

When can you see your therapist again?

((gentle thoughts))

Don't know when I'll next see my therapist. That's a complicated situation that's being stressful.

"Home" is the place where everything happened. I never want to go there.

I like if not love my course. I enjoy it. It pleases me. I don't want to quit studies. I just want to quit my life in toto.

My LJ is being much abused too. It gets the babble that I can't put here, cos having every post get an R rating would suck.

I'm sorry.

I get I'm scaring people, and stuff. This is bad and I don't mean to do it.

I got a message from my friend today. And I'm not sure where it leaves us. Aside from "with a problem". I think he wants to leave until I'm not having quite so many difficulties. I think I finally found the thing that our friendship can't deal with. Me. Being Me. And asking that things be reciprocated.

I'll deal, I always do. I might see him this weekend. He might be in Paris.

I don't want to go, I don't want to go and have to act like I'm having a good time and that things are okay. But if I stay here, I'll simply shut myself away, again. So going will be better than staying. I can go to the Louvre. Lose myself in pretty pretty things.

I made a doctors appointment.

I floated the idea of IP time past college, not that I think going IP will get me any closer to being healthy, but it can't make me worse.

College are meeting with my GP tomorrow.

I don't know why I'm writing, other than to say, I'm sorry if you worried, but you don't need to, people here know what's happening, and some of them might be up for doing something about it sometime soon.

I think I'm going back to not being around again.

I'm glad you made an appointment with your GP. Hopefully they can help you sort something out.
Maybe IP is a good idea if you know it won't make things worse, then they can only get better.
I'm sorry i don;'t have much helpful to say but i'm around if you ever need to talk.
Please don't be sorry for posting, we're all here to help.

Not got much to add hun.
But do what ever you think is best for you.
Make yourself safe and concentrate on getting well.
Then you can plan the future an stuff.
*hugs*
Take care

I hope your appt. helped.

GP tomorrow.

Good luck tomorrow.
Hope it all goes for the best.
Let us know how it goes if you're feeling up to it.

Good luck!!
Make sure you tell them how your feeling if you can.
Let them help you properly.

Saw GP.

GP said psych today would admit me, and this would mean I was admitted to the riht hosptial with the right team and so on.

Psych this morning called and cancelled the appt, because it was "inappropriate" for her to see me.

Seeing someone tomorrow.

My aunt's coming from Leicester, to meet me at the hospital. Either I get admitted, or I'm going to Leicester.

My parents know. It's not pretty.

I'll get help eventually. I mean, eventually, something will happen and I'll be helped, instead of almost helped, or nearly helped, or sent away because they can't help.

I made it through another day. Go me.

Well done on managing the day.
I'm sorry the health service seems to be screwing everything up for you at the moment.
It's good you're seeing someone tomorrow. Are they going to admit you?

huggles xxx

So, not admitted. Back in Leicester.

Saw crisis team 1. Nothing.

Saw GP. Referred to crisis team 2. After three days, including them failing to show up. Nothing. Telephone support.

The therapy I've been waiting for - have never heard of me.

I'm seeing someone tomorrow who's a doctor, yay!

Almost saw a duty psych in the ER last night, but she was too busy, I lipread their conversation, it was a "I have two patients already, she may be schozophrenic but she's not dangerous, she can go home" job.

*head desk head desk head desk*

There's no=one who's heard of "complex trauma" in Leciester.

I'm now beyond irked. My consultant spoke to the ward, they were ready for me, he wanted me admitted, the two nurses and one psych who'd never seen me vetoed his decision. I SHOULD have been in hospital in Oxford right now with a team of people who know me getting my meds fixed. Instead I'm in and out of the ER oding and having people think I'm schozophrenic.

****ing mental health services.