Manipulative
 

I've just realised how manipulative I have been in the past, and it's scaring me. And I've realised how bad things are right now, whereas it hadn't really sunk in before.

I've been such a cow. I've tried to trick a GP into giving me MAOIs so I would have an excuse to not eat certain foods. I loaded my weight so that they wouldn't notice what was happening with my ED. I lied to so many people saying that I hadn't OD'ed when I had. I've said one thing to one person and another to another so i can avoid taking my meds. I've made out that getting up early to collect my meds is a pain so that's why I should be able to have control of them back.

****, this really is bad.

I have to collect my meds everyday. I'm not even trusted to collect the script and get it to the person who looks after them for me. I'm not allowed more than one days supply at a time. If I'm not going ot be around the next day I have to be given it by someone else.

I've had to defer my exams and am going home from uni early. Sure I made it to the end of tutorials, but literally only just and I missed so many of them.

I've been becoming more and more promiscuous, having "too close" friendships with guys I know (though nothing more than holding hands and saying things maybe I shouldn't) despite being in a relationship.

I've messed things up so badly. :( I feel so ashamed of who I am, what I've become, and who I'm going to be. :(

What is it that you're desperate for?

Often so called manipulative and controlling behaviours come from a deep emptiness and sense of lack or loss, and consequent longing.

I don't know. I've only just slotted it together and realised everyone as one. But I've been amanipulative in order that I can hurt myself, not so that I can get better. Is it just cos really I'm not wanting to get better? I'm efefctively just paying lip-service to those around me and make myself appear that I want to get better?

manipulative sounds quite a negative way to describe yourself. I think it is more that you are looking for something and you're not quite sure what that it is at the moment.

The best thing is to tell those who can help what you really feel and then maybe you can get the right support and not need to hurt yourself. x

^^that.
It must be very hard realizing all this. But you also need to keep in mind that you have been ill and looking for anyway to hurt/harm yourself.
As said, now that it is recognized (and harder still, acknowledged), is it something you feel able to work on/discuss with your docs?
If explaining it all seems too daunting, print off this post. It describes how you are feeling and what you have done very well.
This is actually a huge step you have taken.
xxx