NO NO NO!!!
 

i will NOT have it!!!!

he is NOT dead!!!!

he is sitting at home watching the ghost hunters or some other cheesy program...still smoking 3 packs a day...going fishing...and driving everyone crazy.

thats how its supposed to be.

i have all the time in the world to make things right because he is NOT gone.

he's where he always has been.

END OF.

well...im going to be a ****ing hypocrite here.
im always telling you guys to not talk down about yourselves.
but IM going to now.

im a stupid, selfich, **** BITCH!!!

so ****ing weak and pathetic.
living on disability because im too weak to function in the world.
playing little miss "helper" to everyone when i cant even help myself.
and the advice i give is ****ing **** too.
no point in me evenm replying..i just do because i feel im supposed to.

i gave my son away.
no good mother i am.
i sit here all day feeling sorry for myself.
im like a stupid bug that flies toward the might and gets zapped.
im the cat that keepos banging its head on the glass door because he thinks he can get through it.

im an embarrassment to family and myself.
and im in a ****ing rut.

i dont want to give up hope.
i know what that feels like.
and its misery.
but im ALREADY miserable.
so what the hell, right???

i may have damaged my arm and hand so much that i will never be able to hold me son's hand again.

good job "Mommy"
****ing cow.

i hate myself right now.
i really really do.

im sorry for being a hypocrite but i **** up sometimes too.

*cries* *cries* *cries*

ive just heard from my second cousin.
she lives far away in Oregon.
i havent spoken to her in years.
she has sent em an email telling me how sorry she is about Dennis.

Leanne(my aunt who is raising Keith) has told her about alot of things that happened when i was young.

she had no idea.
she has offered to send me a plane ticket in a couple weeks to come and visit her.
she is truly amazing but she moved away long ago to get away from our family. i dont blame her at all.

i want to go and visit her but i just cant. my arms look atrocious. and i feel so out of control. she knew me when i was younger and stronger. when i was the straight A student and had a bright future.

she doesnt know what ive become. *cries again*

bless her.

:crying::crying::crying::crying::crying::crying::c rying::crying::crying::crying::crying::crying::cry ing::crying::crying::crying::crying::crying:

*massive huggles*

Holds you tight Rach

Im hoping that you writing down all your feelings has helped you somewhat

I know you are really struggling. You have so much going on right now. I wish I could ease your pain sweetie, I wish I could help you in someway.

Please take good care of you, maybe we can chat a bit later on msn
much love
xxxxxxxxxx

Rachel, STOP putting yourself down!!!!!! You are NOT a bad person. You are the victim of circumstances over which you have had no control.

I know life sucks right now. In fact, it has sucked for many years now. But i have hopes for you Rachel. Sooner or later you are gonna start healing. You are gonna look the demons in the eyes and say "**** you!!!! I want more from life than this!!!"

Don't add to the misery. He's dead. He's gone. And he can never hurt you again. And i can't help to think that if he was truly a decent man then he would have said he was sorry.

*hugglesx you super tight*

thank you guys....

yeah....i was on a real downer last night.
i usually dont put myself down like that but i felt i needed to last night.

ive just woken up and am a little groggy but feeling a bit better.
thanks again.
xx

rach,
maybe the trip away would be good for you. wear arm warmers or long sleeves if you must. you need a break.
as far as keith is concerned, you did what any GOOD mother would do, you put him first and got him to safety, with family who you trust, knowing they could look after him better than you right at this moment.

You have 2 hands, if worst comes to worst, you can hold his hand with your stronger one. Take things as they come, as your arm heals, some feeling may come back to it. *hugs*

love you rach. mand x

Go on the trip, you deserve it! Love you, I'm here if you need me.

xxxx