Trying to understand
 

What does it feel like to have consensual sex? I don’t know what consensual means. The definition is:


1 : existing or made by mutual consent without an act of writing <a consensual contract>
2 : involving or based on mutual consent <consensual acts>


I don’t think i have ever consented.



Sounds crazy, right?


My right to make an informed decision was taken away from me when the CSA took place over years.



I didn’t know it was right. I didn’t know it was wrong. I just accepted that it happened to everyone.



How was I to know any differently?



I feel sick as if i asked for all of this. As If I actually enjoyed it when I was that young, as if I wanted all of it, As if I brought all of this upon myself – I don’t k now how to feel about that.



Is what I am doing right? Did I actually want him to do that? Did I enjoy it? I’ve slept with him before, Does that change anything? Does that disprove everything?
What about the other people I have slept with in my life time? There has been a lot of them, It makes me feel sick. Did I really want to do it? Or was I just punishing myself? It feels like I was punishing myself, is that why I liked it rough? Did I just want to relive my innocence being taken away?



Did I really believe what they used to call me? Whore, Bitch, Slut, Slag... People asking me for money for sex – Did I like the attention? After all, I probably was the most experienced at school!!



Got In with the wrong crowd, Drugs, alcohol, parties, sex – The state i used to get into, throwing up, hallucinations, flash backs. I was living the dream. It was amazing, rebellion, carelessness, freedom.



Did I have the right to consent in those situations, or was my judgement so impaired that I didn’t care and went along with it anyway? I don’t know anymore. I used to think I had control over who I slept with but I don’t think I did; not anymore.


Even when in relationships, i have felt it was my “duty” to fulfil his needs. His wants, his fantasies and desires. And then when I didn’t want to play along it was always so cold and violent, I felt like I couldn’t breathe.



Complete fear, Complete shock, so many thoughts running through my head, The childhood trauma, the self harm, the suicide, the sex, the drugs, the abortion, my dad’s suicide, “running away”, coming back, the drugs, alcohol, sex.. Was it just my life recycling round, was it my turn again to become suicidal? Is this just history repeating itself? Am I really just putting myself back into these situations?


Why Can’t I just let go and move on?



Why Can’t I be Free?

Consensual sex depends on a lot of things and it seems to have so many degrees to it. There is mutual consent where people fool around and it leads to sex and if they are happy to go along with it, then yes, they are consenting.

I know what you mean when you say that you thought it just happened to everbody and as if you enjoyed those things when you were very young. I've spent a long time with that issue myself and I have kind of come to accepting that I enjoyed the attention it provided, not the act itself. When we are little and somebody pays a little extra attention to us it can make us feel good, but it is not wrong to feel that way.There is no way you would have brought that upon yourself.

I don't really know what else to say, but I am thinking of you.

Take care

You raise a good point hun. Consensual sex is a very tricky area. As you say judgement can be impaired by many things and also in relationships we go along with it sometimes when we don't want to because "he will leave me if I don't". Legally it is any time that isn't forced and you don't clearly say "No". But morally there are blurry boundaries.

No child ever consents hun. That is for certain. Any enjoyment comes from feeling special and wanted. Not from the abuse.

whether you wanted it or enjoyed it makes no difference if you didn't understand that you could say no and that it should be respected or if you didn't really recognize what was happening, and if you were too young well that's why the law is there, to protect the vulnerable.
love you, mand x