Becomming nothing
 

At least when i was ill i had "something".

Now i have nothing.

Im a lame excuse for a person.

Im a weak man.

I have nothing to say anymore to anybody.

I have no value. no purpose and no meaning.

I try to reply and it all sounds so ****.

Im not a nice person. Im incredibly selfish and mean.

Im quite pathetic actually.

Im lazy beyond belief.

Im scared of my own shadow.

Im intolerant of most things. Mostly myself.

Now i no longer have SH for comfort. Yeah in the end it was for comfort. cutting for cuddles as it were. but not even that now.


Im a joke. A living ****ing joke.

I have disgraced myself.

Whatever i did wrong in a former life im now cast aside to rot for eternity.


Ill blend into obscurity. Dull, bland and tepid.

I hate you Matthew.

i wish you had never been born.

You are not nothing.
xxx

We are here for you, you are not nothing not at all.

My PM box is always open also you can contact the supporters anytime.

Take care
Louise

Illness has different layers. One layer may be better. But the layers beneath need a lot of attention and care so that you can fully claim yourself back.

i dont think i want myself back tho.

Matthew ****s everything up.

I hate him

If Matthew messes everything up, who are you?

this isnt a separation issue. I know who i am. Im just talking 3rd person to emphasise the point. But matthew is the one ive lived with my whole life. Its me and i dont like me. The same person who ****ed it all up in the first place.

I thought i could start again maybe. Become a better person, but too much of the old me is coming back. Thats not something to cherish. That is something to hate.

Im sat in a course at the mmoment about getting confidence back to find work. Im simply ashamed to be here.

But thank you for reading anyways. Just a rant i guess

....and yes. This. I know you are right Katie. I cant seem to rationalise this though.

I had to sit a course today for people whove been out of work for a long time due to illness. I felt so ashemed to be there. I text my father and told him how i felt and that i wanted to run. He said im having to start from scratch but that my recovery will be faster than the others.

sometimes i dont realise how bad things have been. Its almost impossible to benchmark past feelings and states from which i can refer and see improvement.

Im incredibly frightened. Frightened beyond belief. Like when a child is scared of something and they cant reason why. They just "are".

I have compassion for other kids tho but just not my own.

I dotn want anyone to ever become like me.

You may not know me well or talk to me often but I disagree with your whole post to be honest but the quoted part stuck out as a particular segment I can't even begin to agree with you on. It is thoroughly inaccurate. If you were selfish, mean, pathetic and lazy you wouldn't have responded when I emailed and you wouldn't have been looking for American recipes to serve people for breakfast and you wouldn't try to reply to people, etc etc. That could be a very long list in the end.

I know you commented further on in the thread about it with Katie but I still felt the need to say my 2 cent... I will go away now.