RYL Forums - uncertainty, change, and goodbyes-input?

Sorry this is so long.

Im graduating college in just a few weeks. Im terrified. Im leaving some of the best things I have ever had and some of my hardest times in my life. All of these problems surfaced here while in college, fthe issues where there before, but the diagnoses and the start of therapy, cutting, and suicidal thoughts-all started here in college. Im not sure how to deal with that stuff if im not here. Im most woried about leaving my therapist. I have been seeing her for the past 3 years and a lot that time twice a week. She is amazing, She works so well with me and its really helpfull. I finally feel like im at a good enough place to work on issues and not just a current crisis. But im leaving her, forever. We have a no contact rule once I leave. Its a good thing for me really.

I have a really hard time with goodbyes. I have had a lot of deaths in my childhood, and I have never really had a healthy goodbye. just people close to me dieng suddently, or leaving people and still holding on to them and only partially leaving. This will be different, leaving her will be like a death that I knew was cming. She says i will grief, she says I should be sure to say all the things I want before I leave, so I dont regret not telling her something. Like the things I would have wanted to say to my dad if I had just a few more minutes with him. So this clean break from my therapist although its going to be so so so painfull and hard, I think its the right way to go and I understand why she is being so strict about this.

Goodbyes are so hard. And then all the unknown stuff is scary too. Im going to graduate school, I will be moving to a different city, and meeting all new people. I will not be with my school friends who really have become family. How can I live with people I don't know, how can I make new friends without overwhelming them with my issues?

my friends here have distances themselves from me. I put them in hard situations too many times that now it feels like they see me only as the sad, pathatic friend who needs help and who never wants to do anything fun. So i get left out cause they forget to invite me. But im not sad all the time, and I do want to be included, I dont want them to think of me that way. So how do I keep that from happening with all the new people in my new program? I can't keep this part of my life from them. Its going to come up eventually for those I live with. I can't hide it all the time. Yea of course ill be in therapy and talk about my issues there, but I dont really find it feasible to bottle up all of these things and only talk about them in therapy, i need other outlets.

im worried as soon as I leave my therapits here that things will get bad again, that the urges to cut will get stronger. its been about a month, the only reason why I havnt (ive wanted to SO bad) is because ive been hanging out with a guy a lot and I dont want him to see anything, he has already seen old scars, but thankfully didnt ask...also I dont want to tuin everything right before I leave, but at the same I really do. I want to do it, so bad, but I know that its just going to make leaving my therapist even harder.

My meds have finally seemed to kick in a little and maybe sort of do there job. I havnt been very very depressed in awhile, I probably have been too happy and hyper and bouncy, probably a little hypomanic lately, but I dont mind it at all, it beats being depressed. Honestly I cant even tell if its hypomania or if this is just how I always am, maybe this is really me?! who knows. but I like it. I dont want that all to change when I leave brandeis, when Im upset and cant call my therapist, yea i have a new one, but its not the same

I guess I just need some reasurance that everything will work out. Im so nervous, I hate uncertainty and I hate change and goodbyes, and all of that is coming so so so soon.

im worried, and scared.