RYL Forums - I Hate Being Broken

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I Hate Being Broken

I wish I could explain it adequately. I've been trying for such a long time now. Ever since I made it far enough out of the Pit of my last major depressive episode that I could tell up from down, left from right. Ever since I realized that the person I had been, was gone, replaced instead by this empty shell of a woman, a lousy friend, and a poor excuse for a daughter. Ever since I realized how I would die. Not by any natural means, barring any accidents or fatal illness, mind you. But by my own hand. Not now. Maybe not even soon. But through suicide none the less. These feelings I get, about people, things... I don't get them often but when I do they are always right. :crying: I do hate knowing I will kill myself one day :crying:

But enough of the melodrama. I guess that is it. I am broken. The above are illustrations of that fact.

And I hate it. I hate being broken. I hate that I cannot go back.

i really and really hope u don't kill urself one day...it would be a sad day :(

*cuddles*

Ally, I wish I had some words for you. I guess that all I can offer are some *gentle cuddles* and the hope that things improve and this certainty fades away. I don't even want to think of you passing away, you just have so much to give to both yourself, and everyone you touch in this world. *hugs you again*

You may think that the way ull die is by your own hand but i have faith that b4 that day comes you will have found something in your life that changes your view on that. I know right now ur gonna tell me that wont happen and you will one day kill urself but u know what, we're young (despite what i was whining about the other day being old) u have plenty of time ahead of u to find something in ur life thats going to change you for the better and make things ok and give you positive things and hope. You may not think that will happen but i have a whole ton of faith in you that it will.
And ur not a bad friend, ur an incredibly good friend. I wish i could make things better for you and i hope you know by now that ill do anything i can to make that happen. I dont deserve a friend like you or Jess, and you dont deserve to feel like u do. So we're all a bunch of none deservers!
Ill talk to you if ur on b4 u go babysitting. *shoves* - my version of a hug :P

Don't give up hope on yourself things can change. Things may seem hopeless right now and like they won't ever change but they can. Hold on there hun

Thanks guys. :-)

I want to reply proper... but I've managed to get myself a little upset already and not even over this topic (cheery though it may be ;-)).

But thanks

*Hugs Ally*
You've fought through this before..you will fight through this again hun. It won't be easy but you can do it.
Are you on any medication or anything? Are you seeing anyone professionally?
x

No, hun, I am currently un-medicated and have no doctor, therapist, or the like. I have no insurance so when I ran out my my medication a few months ago that was it. Been trying (and failing) desperately not to slip back to the Pit but it happens any way. I suppose as long as I can keep from going too far down I shall be alright... wow. Wish I could draw that image. Hmm. Anyway, thanks hun.

Thanks again all. You really are wonderful.

*hugs ally*

I really should try and kidnap u and bring u down to aus..so at least u can afford meds which hopefully will keep u stable!!!

lol why does everyone talk about kidnapping me lately? *squishes Jeremy* It'll be fine. One day, maybe, I'll have my meds again. As long as it doesn't take too long, as long as I don't make it too far down the Pit... them, maybe things will be alright.

Everyone wants to kidnap u coz ur so lovable! But im afraid none of those ppl can kidnap u coz thats mine and Jess' job *nods* :D

Aww, Han *shoves* lol. And... it would be very hard for BOTH of you to kidnap me as you live in different countries... *is now worried they are planning some sort of King Solomon sort of thing*

Dunno who king solomon is but yes we have a plan to come kidnap u! and we wont be in dif places when it happens! mwahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa

Quote:

The saying is based upon the Biblical passage in 1 Kings 3:16-28, where two new mothers approach Solomon, bringing with them one dead baby boy. Each mother presents the same story and accusation: She and the other woman live together and have both recently given birth to baby boys. One night, soon after the birth of their respective boys, the other woman woke to find that she had smothered her own baby in her sleep. In anguish and jealousy, she took her dead son and exchanged it with the other's child. The following morning, the woman discovered the dead baby, and soon realized that it was not her own son, but the other woman's.
After some deliberation, King Solomon calls for a sword to be brought before him. He declares that there is only one fair solution: the live son must be split in two, each woman receiving half of the child. Upon hearing this terrible verdict, the boy's true mother cries out, "Please, My Lord, give her the live child—do not kill him!" However, the liar, in her bitter jealousy, exclaims, "It shall be neither mine nor yours—divide it!" Solomon instantly gives the live baby to the real mother, realizing that the true mother's instincts were to protect her child, while the liar revealed that she did not truly love the child.
Legal analysis suggests that the case had to do with the laws of levirate marriage. The two women were mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, both of whom had borne sons, and whose husbands had died. The baby was actually the lying woman's brother-in-law, whom she was obligated to marry unless he specifically refuses when he reaches age of maturity, which was still thirteen years away. Therefore, when Solomon suggested that the infant be split in half, the lying woman, seeing that the result of such a decision would better serve her interests as she would then be free to remarry, agreed. Thus was Solomon able to know who the real mother was.[1]

In the Bible two women approached King Solomon (sp) about a baby. They both claimed that the baby was their own and wanted the King to make the decision of who got the baby. He told his servants to bring him a sword and told the women that he would cut the baby in half so each woman could have a part. That is where the similarities end here, lol, I was just teasing you about maybe cutting me in half. But the story ends with one woman, the babies real mother, saying no, she would rather not have the baby at all then have him killed (the other woman was all for it, if you can believe that). The King gave the baby to the woman who did not want the baby killed, stating that was more than proof that she as indeed the babys mother.

lol wish I'd checked my email update before I posted, yours is much better, thanks, AM (I'm sorry, I don't know your name :blush:)

LOL NP... it was nice having something of use to say on an ongoing thread these days :)
*extends hand* I'm Crimson.

*shakes hand* Crimson, I'm Ally, tis nice to meet you. And oh, I know, I hate feeling useless to others. It's so nice to find any way to contribute.

Ur never useless to others Ally. You always have the right thing to say

Aww *glomps Han* now if only that were true ;-)

Still, tis nice :-D