Been so long.
 

It's been so long since I have been here. So long since I have needed to be here.
Things were better.. for awhile. And worse, for awhile. But mostly better.

But now school is almost out, my grades are very confusing and I have one professor who is just a total nut job when it comes to grading. She entered a -15 instead of a 15.. so my grade has dropped 15 points. And I was already in the F range. I keep emailing her, but it is doing no good.


I'm stuck at the house that I work in (I'm a 'nanny' for a 21yr old boy with muscular dystrophy) and my employers have family members down from Canada. I've stayed in my room pretty much all day. I feel like such an outsider. I can't go anywhere. My entire family lives 1000 miles away in Illinois and I'm here on the coast of NC. My boyfriend lives 2 hours north of here and is at work... and isn't much help over the phone anyway.

I'm losing it. I've been sitting here for these past couple hours just thinking up ways of releasing the inner pain. Cutting myself.. but I know my boyfriend would see it, no matter where I cut at. Or maybe even just ending it all. It's so hard being out here 30 minutes from even the nearest gas station surrounded by people who are in a loving family when I haven't seen mine since early January and still have no idea when I will get to see them again.

I don't know what to do. I just want to let it all go. There's so much going on inside of me, so many memories that I just can't forget or let go of. So much current pain and feeling like a prisoner in this life.

I wish I knew what to say, but I don't. Just wanted you to know I've read this, and wish I could help

Oh hunnie, I don't know what to say but please, please be careful *massive hugs*

I never really expect anyone to know what to say. But it is so nice to just have someone listen (or read, in this case). Just to have someone care is the most valuable thing to me right now.