Not of lcapable ove
 

The other day, I came to the realisation that I am, in essence, a wreck.
I can't keep my mind focussed on anything. My fear of sleep has reached new levels. If I can put off sleep completely, I will.

I broke down for no reason earlier. It's not the first time it's happened. But this time, it made even less sense. I'd been messing about with my son, dancing to a song, and suddenly, I just felt the need to cry. Not happy tears either.

The self loathing seems to be growing. How anyone sees anything other than a fat, ugly bitch is beyond me. I've been trying to think of a time when I did like myself, but I can't. All I can find when I think of myself is self loathing. I know I hated myself while I was with him, and I know I hated myself all the way through my teenage years. I may have, and I feel I did, hated myself most of my childhood.

I've slipped so far that I'm thinking about suicide on a daily basis. No one would expect it from me. I'm the "happy, smiley one". I'm the one who doesn't let life get her down. Yeah, I get the hyper moments, but once they're over, I slip into a dark, scary mood. They just don't see it. The only thing keeping me alive is my son. Nothing else has any real meaning in my life. Nothing.

I'm sorry all I can do is hug. But here is a massive one to make up for my lack of any good advice or comfort *massive hugs*

Thanks. I'm at that point where I'm living in fear, but logically, there's nothing for me to be afraid of. A friend was looking through my facebook photos yesterday, and came across a photo of the ex and Daz, and asked about it. I just felt panic kick in. I'm supposed to be at college today, but can't face leaving the house. I've booked an appointment at the doctor, but I don't know what the **** is wrong with me. I've got to wait until the 18th May though. Before then, it's the 1 year anniversary of me leaving *him*... I can't sleep, I keep going off food... So many things that should come naturally don't seem to be happening at all right now.

*hugs* hang on in there, it can and will get better...

I hope you're right. I really do... But somehow, I struggle to believe it

I can't even leave the house today. The landlady was supposed to be coming round to fix a light switch, and I cancelled... I can't be dealing with people. I can't leave the house at all. I've been locked away in here for nearly 48 hours now. The outside is not an option. The electric meter clicked last night, and it scared the hell out of me. Everything scares me. I just need someone to talk to, but I'm scared of talking.

is there someone you could phone? Your Doctor or the Samaritans if you can't face friends?