I'm not really sure where to put this. There is 2 things on my mind. I don't know what one I'm going to talk about of if both as they belong in 2 different categories but I'm confused as to what one is making me upset.

I just added a bit to my RANT called "what i'd love to say to you". Eh.. I could of died today.. I was inches away from either dying, being brutally injured or even paralysed. Anything could of happened.. I just wrote in my rant what I wanted to say to the bastard and started crying.

I don't really know why I'm writing this tbh..

I'm just in shock and feel absolutely rubbish. I'm feeling worse than worthless, I'm feeling weak, not worthy to have a life.. but I could of died and that scared me most. Because I've always imagined before I die I'd had everything in order.. Letter's for people just saying "love you" or whatever.. and my will, I'd want to have my bedrooms in order.. bin the personal stuff so no one would find it, It would ruin everyone if someone found my old diaries. So much hatred, I couldn't imagine someone reading them.. having to go through my stuff.. My rooms are in such a state.. all of them. I'm so not organised there is everything.. everywhere. There's no room to move or anything. I couldn't imagine anyone walking in to my room to sort my **** out.

I'm feeling so cold, scared, sick, down, depressed.. just about everything. I have no one. No one is here. It's like if I even disappeared to another country I dunno if anyone, deep down, would actually care.

**** MY LIFE.

My Mum just phoned me and I'm like so depressed and kind of in tears.. and she was like "what's wrong, you sound off of down" and I just said "i dunno".. I dunno what to say.. she knew something was wrong but I couldn't tell her anything.. I was about to burst out crying.. then she'd cry and feel ****.. argh. This is all just one big mess.. my life probably. f00k it.