RYL Forums - Getting 'Older'

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- - Getting 'Older' (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=133640)

Ok so before i start i know that there are many people on RYL who are way older then 22 but im calling my tread that anyways.

recently im made a step to reduce self harming and increase my eating.... now both these are hard but i know that somewhere in some part of me i am stronger then both of these no matter how much they seem to help me. ive been acutely aware of my scars and more afraid of the day when i chose not to wear long sleeves. 1, because i dont wear short sleeves and 2. because what young children will say.

sorry i dont rally know the point of this post. guess i just wanted to let someone know.

You made a huge and brave step in making those decisions so good luck with moving forward with them. You can be stronger than both the SI and ED and just taking the decision you have, proves this.

Yes there are lots of us who are older than 22. I myself will be 29 next month. But if you view your recovery as part of getting older, then of course you can title your thread however you please.

As for the content of your thread - well done on being more aware of what you can be in control of, that you know deep down you can be stronger than the SI and ED. JUst take your recovery one step at a time though - don't put yourself under too much pressure and let RYL help you along the way.

As for worrying about your scars and the short sleeve situation. Worry about it when you feel ready to make that step. Over thinking about it now won't do you any good. As for what young children will say, if they ask you I think its best just to say you had an accident. But from my experience, the children if curious ask their parents/guardian about it, and then it is up to that adult with how they tackle the situation. You can not take on the responsibility of shielding everyone from the truth....thats what my psychologist told me anyway.....

so i made this thread like four days after i had made this agreement, so today...right now on the 23rd... its been one week since i cut myself (however i have self-harmed but its been less severe) and ive tired to eat three times a day- even if its just small and on some days i have, and i have 'fasted' or gone without food even when ive wanted to.

Well done on your progress so far. *huggles*

Well done, your doing well. Keep up the good work

yeah errmmmm not so good anymore. eating's getting outta whack, and instead of cuts ive taken to bruises :(

Not sure what to say - recovery is never simpple and we all have slip ups and have to make adjustments along the way. I did the bruising thing before I went onto cutting, I then went back to the bruising thing when reducing the amount I cut. So I understand what you're doing. Each person may view it differently, but I still think that you've made progress in a way. Don't feel disheartened. You will in time be able to be SH free, I don't think anyone here will tell you that its easy or can happen over night. I mean if that was the way, then there wouldn't be a need for RYL. Just hang on in there and try to keep clear in your mind, the focus that you want to improve and get your life back as part of getting older. *huggles*

REALIZ(S)ATION

today i had counseling, and i was saying that id failed in my current agreements. Agreements to eat better and harm less.
I decided that id failed once again because i had not really maintained not harming and eating. i had made a week with out cutting- but that not the only form of self harm. Self harm by definition is and act that one does in order to Hurt themselves. It includes many more things then just cutting. this past week i have undertaken some of these other forms and though they may be less damaging they are still a from of self harm. So ive been able to uphold my agreement. However, im not sure if the person i made this agreement is aware that i know of other forms.

I had also agreed that i would eat better, and well ive begun to realize that im pretty black and white/ that im one or the other and there's usually no middle ground when it comes to me. This in regard to eating becomes i either dont eat or i eat three times a day. like a normal person would. Thing is, even though my personality is to go for one of the extremes, my ED doesnt necessarily allow that and then it becomes another battle for control. If i cannot control what i eat and when then ill eat three times day like they want me to but ill severely restrict

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Triggering- not sure if its against the rules

So then again we have this problem where i have not upheld my agreement. Yes i did eat 'better'-that being in my extreme view three times a day- yet i still managed to control it.

So here i am having just talked this over with my friend, knowing that in just 2 and a half days i have my next call where ill be asked how these agreements went. So i could tell a half truth- i could say yes i did better this time around, or i could be honest and tell her this realization and the actions prior to this. I know that honesty is the best policy and all but honesty is hard, honesty here brings shame and admittance of my failure. its compounds that which the ED is telling me- that i am a failure, that im not strong enough.

So :blink: :notsure:help/support wold be appreciated.

*huggles*
Honesty is hard but if you're not honest with them then they won't be able to further help your recovery. Being honest about what you've found hard to uphold in your agreement is not admitting failure, but showing the strength of character that you are determind to succeed, but that you need more support and guidance through this transitional time.
You are NOT a failure. I hope that you can be honest with them, perhaps read out what you've typed here if you find it hard to get the words out properly?
Let us know how it goes. *extra huggles*

I had the call on friday, and the two days prior to the call and the whole weekend had lots of tears. i managed to tell her some stuff but not everything:sad:

UPDATE

was in psych hospital this past week, i came home on leave yesterday and today i removed my tools- the most easily accessible one are now no longer in my house:eyeroll:

As for the eating it has gotten worse throughout my hospital stay but im gonna try to improve it

Are you still in hospital? I hope it is helping/has helped. Also well done on removing your tools, that must have taken alot of courage. That's great that you want to work on improving your eating, are you receiving any support for this? *Hugs*

Nope not in hospital anymore- i got out on Monday thought i dont think that was the best idea....

Ummm yeah...tools that was very hard to do and i found it really triggering but im glad i did it, even thou its very hard without them and im not the best at coping but i dont want to go back there i think.

With the eating my neighbor and friend knows that i want to improve it and she knows that at some stage im gonna contact the dietitian- but im not sure what that will actually do. im sure the dietitian will just tell me all they healthy eating stuff and i know that, the problem is the actual ED mind.

The dietitian may not be able to do more than healthy eating stuff or she may be able to refer you onto someone else. I guess it all depends on what kind of support you think you need? I think it would be useful seeing the dietitian even the once as a starting point. Keep fighting xxx

Well done on throwing out your tools and on your determination to try and improve with you eating. Sorry I've not been much support recently, but I wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best. xx

Hey thanks, Umm im struggling a bit right now
i feel like im just wasting time, that im not sick at all that im just a bit fake and that im not worth anyone's time or thoughts, and also that i am nothing. (and sadly i either wanna od, or cut)
sorry, asks for support.

Recovery is never a waste of time. Yes it can be hard but it is worth it so never give up on trying. Well done for reaching out for support though hun. You will get through this, just hold on there.

but there are times when i dont have a problem, where im completely fine.
ive been this person, with these 'problems' for the last 8 years.... yes recovery is possible but im afraid of who i am without this. im afraid of losing the essence of myself and becoming a shell of who i am now. what if the person i become through recovery isn't someone my friends and siblings like?