Stupid triggers (rantish)
 

So, Saturday night, I thought I'd watch The Shining for the first time. And this is going to sound stupid to you all, but it triggered the hell out of me, to the worst I'd been since I was pregnant.

"what harm can a stupid horror do?" I thought... ****ing hell, Kim... A film about a guy who tries to murder his family? Think about it...

But it wasn't as simple as that. Something twigged inside of me. I could just relate so much of Jack Nicholson's character to Jamie. The way he spoke, the way he turned vicious, everything... It was Jamie... Sounds ****ing ridiculous, don't it?

But it's not, in a way... I'd been threatened by Jamie, I'd been spoken to like a piece of ****, I'd had Jamie try to break down the front door after I locked him out for Darrell's safety... In fact, in that scene oon the stairs, where he was going after her... That was the build up to every time he hit me...

As I sat there, I ended up scratching my arms, the worst I've done in nearly three years. I was never a cutter, and the scratching only ever happened when something really bad happened.

Then there was the nightmares after it. I NEVER get nightmares after a film. But this time, I was IN the film. This all sounds pathetic, doesn't it? It's been 11 months for ****s sake... I should be over this. Right?

It doesn't sound pathetic - because it's not about getting upset about "just a film" it's getting upset about actual events that happened in your life.

Nobody has set a timescale for "getting over" domestic violence! Try not to blame yourself for still reacting badly sometimes -the similarities with your memories do sound very triggering.

Hope you feel a bit more settled soon,
take care x

Thanks. I just don't know where my minds at at the moment. It's as if all logic's flown out of the window. I seem to keep reliving everything. It's just screwed up my mind, and I don't know how long for.