alone, and on the dissociative spectrum. struggling.
 

It's the therapy break.
It's only a couple of days in, and there's a long time yet, and I'm already feeling on the verge of relapse.
Struggling.

Confronted very intensely with my other selves.
Seeing and experiencing their reality/ies all too clearly.

Feeling way too vulnerable.

Others really acting up.
Trying to keep on top of it all. Trying to keep afloat. Understanding compassionately.

Struggling.
2 days until work starts back. Feels unbearable.

Mouthy abusive self trying to have the voice she didn't have then.
Frantic panicky child desperate for love and affection.
Me in the middle.
Me and my memories.
And the gaps.
And the heartache.

I have a whole bunch of coping strategies.
But really nothing to help when I feel inside out.

I feel so useless. I can't seem to break through to myself, or to reach others. I know I'm not useless, and I know I can reach. It just... I feel so annoyed and disappointed in myself. But I can also see the whole dynamics. But they're too... rigid?

I need someone to hear me and to understand some of what I'm going through. Please?

Why are you so disappointed, Katie? What do you mean, rigid dynamics?

And yeah, I kind of understand but my daily crisis is kicking in again and I'll respond a bit more elaborately when I'm clear-headed. Take care.

I was doing so well last week.

Can't seem to break through the presenting front 'self' by being able to communicate with it and shift the control inside.

what would your therapist say / advise you to do?
maybe you could act as your own therapist during the break.
sorry if that sounds patronising, it really isn't meant to.
(hugs)
you will get through this.
i am finding it difficult being off of my writing course for two weeks [which i attend at an NHS based centre, so it is more supported than a college < needless detail] so can empathise with the difficulty of the Easter change in routine and things we are used to relying on.
xx

Thanks Catherine.

I'm doing my best to work things that way.. I'm hoping things will shift back to more stability once I get back to work on Tuesday.

I'm trying to keep my adult self present, but it's hard. It's a little more comfortable now, I've turned the corner a little. It's how to balance attending to a very lost and frightened and confused child, and staying feeling steady enough in myself to do that. Holding both. I'm having to be really firm with Katrina, who's like the 'gatekeeper' for the child.