It's a lot like dying inside
 

I guess I just woke up and knew today was going to suck. And I know that some people like to say 'Oh it's only what you make of it' well screw that.
I woke up today, and fell off the face of the planet.
I don't get bullied at school, but I'm not to popular either. I have friends, but I don't try to make friends. I don't want a lot of friends. I like having one or two close friends. I don't even trust those two. I guess their just kinda there for company sometimes.
It went from bad to worse when I realized that depressed, is the first REAL emotion I've felt since I was ten. I have lost the ability to feel. By feel I mean really feel. I can get happy, I can get excited, but I don't get 'really' happy or 'really' excited ever. I can't feel any of it. It's like a dull vibration in my chest.
:hazard:
Honestly,
I consider myself a hazard to myself and others. Theirs a good chance I'm going to set something on fire,
Kill somebody,
Myself.
I don't know yet.
I've been contemplating it a lot lately. And I would guess that's because of My Schizoid personality Disorder. I'm not meant to be happy according to it.
I'm not meant to have a lot of friends, be really happy, or live without bouts' of Schizophrenia.
Up to right now, I'd have to say I might be in one of those bouts'. I've been visually hallucinating so much, and I'm so paranoid about everybody.
I just want to freaking die and get done with this. I don't want any of this. I want it all to end. I want somebody to understand that I'm serious. I have a plan and all the materials and nobody knows. With my particular plan (which I won't disclose) they'll think I'm a runaway, and by the time they find me, It'll be to late.
Too bad my doctor doesn't like taking teenagers seriously on suicide.
Maybe he'll take them more seriously after me.
Maybe...

It sounds like you need to talk to your doctor or parents or a teacher or a guidance counselor. You have a plan and the materials to carry it out and are depressed and have been for a long time. This is serious and while right now your diagnosis sounds hard there maybe be advancements in medicine and therapy that will help you to overcome this. You just have to be around to see them. Talk to someone who will hear how serious the situation is.