It's Building. *trigger/graphic* [SH]
 

I've been doing well - I never cut often, once every few months. But I make the wounds last.. That have no chance to heal..

I shouldn't be saying this though. The thoughts keep invading my head.

I don't want to do it again. I want to quit. But I can't see the point. At least, not from where I'm sitting right now.
I can't see the point in anything.

It's slow building, this feeling. Like a black cloud. Thick fog.
It hides in the back of my head, waiting for a moment of weakness. Then it moves.
Slowly, but steadily. There's no fighting it.
I can keep it at bay for a while, but I can't defeat it. It's like it's inevitable.

I've beaten it before, but not completely. It's just been banished to the back of my head, only to return again. Stronger. Leaving me with just a few short weeks to recover from it's last try.

The last time? 2 weeks ago. I'm glad to say I didn't cut, at all.
But I've literally just got over it and it's back. Worse this time.

It's a struggle to just keep typing. Trying to keep myself busy with the words on the page and the music in my ears.
I can see that it won't work though, however much I want it to.

I'm fed up of temporary solutions. Of getting through sometimes clean and not others.
I want this to be fixed. Completely.
Is that even possible? I can't see that it is. These thoughts, these ideas. They'll always be there, even if they're buried. They won't go away altogether. So is there any point trying?

I know it's really really hard to see past this now, but it does get better. Now I understand you might think that that's insincere, because...well here I am at this cutting forum.

Even though the urge to cut isn't totally gone for me, I'm actually happy. I've been where you are. We may not have had the same experiences but I know what it's like to feel like everything is worthless, to want to just curl up and cry - but once you get past it, its amazing. I promise.

You just need to take one day at a time, or one week at a time. Be happy with the now, don't worry about how you might feel in the future.

"I've beaten it before, but not completely. It's just been banished to the back of my head, only to return again."
Hold onto the feeling of when you were free from this feeling. Keep that in your mind.

Keep listening to music - make it empowering, happy music. Sing along. Dance. Do something physical, get the endorphins flowing.

You can beat this; you are strong.

I hope I helped <3

How are you doing now?

It's very difficult to make the thoughts go away sometimes. Have you tried using the Big Distraction List in Fun & Distractions? They're just short-term solutions while you have the urge to self-harm but sometimes it might be enough to help the urges stop building up.

It takes time to recover from self-harm - I self-harm very irregularly now, much much less than I was a few years ago, but even now I still get those urges sometimes just to do it and know what it feels like, and even now I think about it a lot. But over time it gets easier to fight those urges and they go away a lot more quickly.

Have you got a therapist or anyone you could talk to to help you find some ways to deal with the building up feeling of needing to harm yourself?