RYL Forums - Can't get over it

So, over a year ago I began a relationship with a type of person I told myself I would never get into a relationship with: Previously married with kids. Well, I really love my boyfriend but I absolutely positively hate kids. I also can't stand the drama that goes with his ex-wife.

I have stuck by my boyfriend through his divorce, a false restraining order being filed by him by his ex, and the loss of the custody of his children to his ex who is so dumb that she literally was tested and only has an IQ of 70.

Anyway, my boyfriend doesn't have his kids but about three days a week. However last year I spent all of my money providing for a "family" that wasn't my own. My boyfriend didn't have a job and the kids didn't have clothes, or beds, or food. So who got to provide all of that? Me, I also provided shoes, car seats, a stroller, toys, etc.

It's not the fact that the money wasn't well spent because my boyfriend appreciates it and I know the kids needed it. I just can't stand that I used my money to support the "family" I never wanted and will never have.

I resent my boyfriend because I feel he's tainted. He has already been married so now if I plan to marry him, well he's already been there done that. As well as for kids, even though I hate kids and I never wanted any, the fact that he has already had them with a fricken idiot and that he can no longer have children bothers me.

I thought that I could get used to his kids being around, I thought that they would grow on me. Well I was wrong, the more I see them the more often I am forced to put in my headphones and try to pretend that they aren't here. Now don't get me wrong because when my boyfriend did have custody I did as much as I could, picked them up from school and daycare, drove his daughter to gymnastics, got them ready for school ie dressed and braided his daughters hair. Helped his daughter with homework and beads. I still pay for a lot of the kids' activities even though I do not even have a job anymore.

Well I am full of hate because of all of the things I previously mentioned. I don't know what to do but I hate my boyfriend because I had to take care of his kids. I had to provide for someone else's kids, I hate kids.

What am I supposed to do, leave the person who has been the best boyfriend ever. His kids and his ex will never be out of his life and I am not getting used to his drama nor his kids, it just makes me a bitter angry person. I don't know what to do anymore. I wanted to share a life with someone who I could share first experiences with, is that so naive? Am I ridiculous in thinking that ultimately we cannot share these two very large steps in one's life because he has already done them and doesn't want to "go there and do those things again?"

I'm lost, I don't know what to do. I can't get over these things and I don't know how to cope. Any suggestions? Hopefully someone can read this mess and give me some sort of hope or help. Anyone? Thanks!

JRay