Late night thoughts...
 

Feels good to be able to speak out. I posted earlier and I guess I need to talk to a therapist. I haven't gone yet, but even though I cant see or touch you, I feel like you may listen.

Ive never done SI, nor attempted suicide. Although I was orphaned at an early age due to my whole family dying, then my adopted father passing in my adolescent years.

After years of alcoholic abuse, military (set me straight-somewhat), 1 week of marriage, a beautiful 3 year old daughter, a drop dead gorgeouse wife (21, im 32 :thumbup:), and a new baby due on July 23, you would think it would be all behind me.

I get these crazy thoughts, and anger that cannot be controlled. Not towards my family, but towards anyone other that crosses me. And its not just inflicting pain, but major pain. Worst thing is I grew up with it, I was always against gangs and have never picked a fight in my life. But it always found me and I never once turned my back on it. Wether it be 1 or 20, the more it was the more happier I was. I witnessed one of my friends attack a person we met at a bar in a car a few months ago(I was in back with the guys friend), and I was laughing... hysterically. Not that it was funny, but I lost it. Who laughs when bones are broken and blood is spilled?

Lately I pour it out in the gym, the frustration and the demons in my head. What be-founds people is the fact that I am so nice, but the second Im crossed, I scare EVERYBODY.

It almost feels like im addicted to thinking this way. Do I want it to stop? My life can be perfect... its in my grasp. If I **** this up... what else would I have?

Sounds like your past in catching up with u

Being an orphan and experiencing and watching violence in your teenage yrs probably doesn't help also. I guess you never had like a father or mother figure in your past to guide you too also, which doesn't help too?

Anyway, gymming is good, trying to get rid of your frustrations and empty it all on a boxing bag or whatever you do. But maybe you need to find somebody to talk about your issues and strategies to cope with your increasing angry? Hope that helps a tad...

^ gym is good! but why not see a counsellor/therapist as well? It sounds like you've overcome a lot and made a real go of things, it would be a shame to mess it up

Hey Bobb. Hope things are clearer for you since you posted this. Sorry about the delay between you writing this, and me posting a reply.

When did you start to feel like this? Has this anger just started as your family has? I know that when my wee one was born, her dad suddenly became very angry (again, at other people, never us) and it turns out, he felt so protective of her, and wasn't sure how to use it apropriately. He didn't quite realise that the wee old lady on the scooter posed no threat, and was not going to run us over!

I know what you mean about setting yourself unrealistic goals, setting yourself up to fail - that way you have somthing to be angry about. It's good that you have a temprary outlet by using the gym, but I agree with the comments above - it's not a long term fix, and speaking to somone about it may help.

Good luck with the new baby, I hope things get better for you.