working relationship help needed please
 

I've a colleague that I've not worked with before until today.
Today we just didn't get on.
Something happened, and I said how I felt she didn't trust me. I was clearly in my defensive hostile state, having got there by feeling belittled and undermined and just about managed to get myself back enough to contain the feelings. I was nearly crying, especially once I figured out how it was past humiliations etc that it activated the feelings of in me, as well as her attitude's effect.
How can I manage working with her?
I know one has to 'earn' trust. And I can sort of see her personality and how it is, and I know it'll take time. But I don't want her to only think of me as Miss Defensive and Vulnerable.

Do you think you really came across as defensive hun or just as someone who was explaining how they felt?

Thanks Carrie, your reply means a lot.

There's a difference? New concept for me... Hmm. Well, yes, I did explain how I felt. But then I added in how long I've worked there and that I remember and know things when I've had them explained to me. But then....
I just feel so ashamed and sad and hurting.

Yeah, there is a difference. I am kinda learning this myself. In my TC, I feel able to tell someone if they have hurt me or made me angry without that resulting in an argument or being hurtful to the parties. Sorry, not explaining it properly but you can tell people how you feel without it seeming or being defensive or vulnerable.

"Upped you"?

.....

I get what you're saying, Carrie.

I'm planning to speak to my manager that I see tomorrow. But the manager who actually is for the team me and the colleague are both on, I won't see her for a while, so I'll email her and just alert her and that I may need her/other colleagues support with this. My other colleague who was there today did help some. But I know I need to work this through with less dependency on others to 'fix' things. But I do need support and advocacy at times, as I really don't want this to escalate and get out of control.

Could she have felt defensive too do you think? I'm only wondering because of you saying about her saying about knowing more than you and being more experienced?

Is there anyway you could try getting to know her outside the situation?

I'm just wondering if maybe she felt defensive too and you got off on the wrong foot so to speak.

I hope this is coming across right. I don't mean to sound like I think you were being horrible or anything cos I know you wouldn't be.

I think I've had a vaguely similar situation in the past, and it turned out to be that the other person felt totally overwhealmed by being around me and I had made her feel worse - and it was a total misunderstanding all around!!! Perhaps she isn't so good at communicating how she feels and felt on shaky ground because you can (here at any rate) explain yourself so well?

I hope this has come out right!!!

That's fine, Becca. :)

Yeah, there's whole complex relationship sense that I have which I can't really go into here. But I will discuss with my manager/s.

More simply, it's likely a combo of her feeling insecure, making that into overbearingness, and that interacting with my own insecurity and vulnerability.

Glad it came across okay! I didn't expect you to go into details or anything I can totally understand why you don't want to, and do discuss it with your manager/s.

If I understand you correctly with your second paragraph then it sounds similar to the situation I was in and I am sure you will be able to find a way to work with her, and her with you without too much problem, so try (and I know it's easier said than done!) not to worry about it too much.

Thanks. :)

I've drafted an email to my managers, and will send it this morning.

How did they respond to the email?

Ok. I spoke with one of my managers this morning and explained what had happened. She gave me some perspective on what might be my colleague's situation which was helpful. But it's really my other manager/s I need to see, those who manage the team me and the colleague are on. One of them phoned up to find out more/how I was, but my manager couldn't speak to her about it as it's an open plan office. She emailed her instead.
We're keeping it low key. But I feel kind of in limbo about it. Like I was 'overreacting', which is partly true. But my manager agreed that what happened would have upset her and anyone else too. Just, I guess, I feel less confident in handling it than most.
I'll work it through in therapy tomorrow, too. Because I really need to work through the past humiliations it was evocative/echoic of.

Thanks for asking, Carrie.

You're welcome hun.

I'm glad you will be able to talk/work though it in therapy tomorrow.
xxx

I'm glad you got a helpful response from the manager and it's being sorted.

You know you said about feeling less confident about handling it? Well I think you handled it well. Not handling it would have been ignoring it and pretending it didn't happen and you didn't do that. You did totally the right thing. Recognising you can't and seeking help to sort it yourself is a really good thing for you to have done.