tonight's challenge from my psychologist
 

So, my 'homework' is the spend an hour without distracting myself or SH or self-medicating or anything slef-destructive.... weirdly I can't remember the last time I managed that... so am already feeling stressed about it, will probably try tonight to get it over with.

I'm supposed to note down how I feel & what I think... I know it's a good idea but :ermm:

So, it's being with yourself and your feelings, not judging them or running away from them?
Bearing with feelings is something that's a big part of my therapy too. It is possible. Can't be done all at once, though, more a step at a time.

Yes, pretty much, the not running away just staying with it... also noticing the thoughts and feelings, to understand a bit better why it's so difficult... 'only' an hour to start with

'Only' yeah. Hmm. I've never set a time frame on mine - just doing my best as and when intense feelings flood in. Sometimes I manage better than others, it's all a case of practice and responsiveness.
I'd suggest that you arrange to have a space of roughly that time inbetween say a TV programme and dinner or something, making it feel less pressured time wise, maybe? Watching the clock isn't what it's about, and to focus more on being with yourself much as a good friend or caring parent might be, could help.

I hope the challenge goes ok!! I don't think I'd be able to do it, my whole life at the moment feels like a distraction!

How'd it go?

well, failed completely Friday night, was so excessive with drinking & pills I was throwing up all day Saturday... oh well, every day is a new day etc... I managed 1/2 and hour this morning, but then moved on to constructive distractions instead. I'm usually fairly calm for a coupe of days after a big self-destruction session, so today wasn't too distressing. The trouble is, an hour doing nothing is incredibly boring - probably better in an evening when I'm tired from work. I'll try again tomorrow...

thanks for asking :)

oh sorry it didnt go to well, hope it goes better next time! i can imagine it must be boring sitting for an hour doing nothing i dont think i could do it!

good luck
x

I'm sure you can DO something in that hour - like hang out online or read a book, or cook dinner. I don't think it's meant as sitting for an hour and ONLY watching your mind! Even at a retreat centre we'd do no more than 10 minute at a time stretches of that kind of thing...

Like Stellata said, I'm sure you'd be able to do something like read. An hour alone with your own thoughts, regardless of your emotional state is draining on anyone.

Rather than offering condolences on the half hour, I'm going to say well done! You got that far, so it's a start. Be proud of yourself! x

Sorry to hear it didn't go so well Tok, just stopped in to see how you're doing. I'm still at the beach and miss you guys!

I'm at a wild surf beach now just sitting looking at the waves, maybe try and do your 'homework' outdoors somewhere?

Noone said it would be easy, we just have to believe its worth it :)

You take care of yourself,I'm back on Thursday nz time and I'll touch base then.

Joanie xx

30 minutes was better than nothing at all.

thanks guys (enjoy the beach Joanie), yes, I did try to understand what I was 'allowed' to do - but she did say 'nothing that means I have to engage my mind'! But perhaps a walk would be OK, listening to music is, but not a book or RYL because it distracts my mind - if that makes sense? I might try a walk... not sure if I'll have time before the next session

oh well, I wrote down a few things from the half hour - lots of negative thoughts, which I suppose is all good material, never thought of negative thoughts as good before;)

after the half hour I decided to sort out the garden, lifted something too heavy and felt my back go 'crack' :( so have spent 2 days lying on my back (but reading a book! so it doesn't count), still, not too bad today which has suprised me, so that's a positive :)

Maybe I'm just in a massively pissed off angry mood but I think her giving you that homework is rather ridiculous! Sorry, i'm probably going to be on my own on this one....(well there is a surprise - ppl hate Cagedbird, woopidoo not heard that one before...)....anyway i'm letting my screaming mind filter through and getting off the point..... But i'm of the opinion that ppl SH for a reason. To take away the coping mechanism of SH without looking at the reasons for why they rely on it is a bit like taking away the wheelchair from someone who doesn't have the use of their legs. Completely and utterly pointless!!! - of course you are going to fail your task!! That isn't anything to do with you personally, i wouldn't be able to do that homework either! If we could, don't you think we both would have already?!! ((((Sorry i'm rather angry so this maybe OTT)))))

However having said all that, I like the theory that it makes you more aware of your feelings surrounding the times that you SH, that is pretty productive and tbh I've learnt a lot from being more aware of what i'm doing rather that being completely dissociated. So it is good you have some points to take to her next week, and i do hope you are able to gain some understanding from them about why you feel the urge to SH.

But I have to say it does seem like a pretty dangerous way to get those points. I'm sorry I am really really negative and angry and pissed off right now so you'll have to take this entire reply with a massive pinch of salt and big flashing warning sign, afterall i know nothing about you and ur therapists relationship......but if my therapist told me to how to deal with my emotions i'd probably be out the door sharpish.

But then again i'm an over-dramatic control freak who has the most volitile relationship ever with her therapist.

Basically what I really meant to say is that I hope you don't beat yourself up about not being able to complete your 'homework'. It sounded really hard and I know i don't know much about you but I hope that your feelings of 'failing' don't lead to more SH.....I think there isn't always a pass/fail on these assignments but it can feel that way.

Sorry if i put all of my feelings into your thread and I'm sorry i didn't listen to you. Sorry.

ps - having read this through my only thoughts is if 'sounded' is a real word. I can't think of how to say 'sounds' in the past tense other that this way.

Hi Cagedbird

I completely agree about SH being a coping mechanism, I don't think my therapist was trying to 'take that away' - it came out of the context that the meds I'm now taking have helped to some extent, and I feel as if the SH has sometiomes become a bit of a habit as well as sometimes a compulsion - if that makes sense? A habit that's really hard to stop, so delaying for an hour is a way of trying to work out what's the habit & what's the compulsion (and why I get triggered). And we do work on the 'why' as well as on stopping :)

It's been interesting the past week - I have friend to stay so can't really do the SH, but after the first couple of days I'm finding I still want to despite the distraction and support. I find I'm planning a huge self-destruct for when she's gone :( I do need to plan ahead and work out how to deal with it. My therapist will be off for a couple of weeks over Easter as well :(

Hey Tok, you and I seem to be on a similar path at the mo. I don't understand what that is, but when I'm "safe" for a week or so I spend half the time planning the inevitable and the second I'm alone I SH...something for the therapist I guess!

Mine too is off until the 17th, make sure you keep popping in ok?

Hope you're having fun with your friend regardless,
JK
x

Must put some things in the diary for when she goes... the trouble is my closest friends here are away for a long weekend over Easter as well... :(