can't stop
 

i was working really hard on quitting. i had many weeks where i would only cut once.
i've been on mood stabilizers and everyone keeps telling me how much happier i look. but i just don't feel it. i'm back to the point where i can pretty easily hide my feelings, so nobody thinks i am struggling that much.
but i don't care anymore. i don't care enough to resist the urges. i don't feel like there is any point. i used to just cut on my leg and now my arm is covered. i wasnt even aware of how much i am doing. i looked at my arm and i have about 8 lines across my wrist, cuts all down the rest of it, and scars.
i don't know what to do because everyone is telling me that the medication must be working because i haven't looked this good in months. but i just don't feel good. i can't stop. and i don't want to. i wish i wanted to.
i don't really know what i expect from posting this. just want to express my frustration :/

I can understand both your and your friends perspectives re: mood stabilizers. To you, its probably cutting off the happier "higher" end of the scale, which can obviously be somewhat distressing if it used to be pleasant for you, but also your friends will be seeing how its cutting off the more depressive side, thus regarding you as happier and healthier. Problem I'd imagine that can come as a result of them is being totally numb and disconnected, or at least that sounds like what's happening to you- the not caring about things etc.

Are the meds a newish thing? End of the day, what matters is how you feel, not how everyone else views you. If you don't feel they're doing their job properly, or you just aren't happy with how they're effecting you, go back to your psych/GP/doctory type person and talk about it, and maybe they can either fiddle the dose, add something to the mix (like an anti-depressant) or change it completely. If you don't feel good, don't feel like you just have to live with it because everyone else has a positive reflection of the situation.

*hugs*
I know the feeling of not wanting to stop, but wishing you did. It's what I'm trying to figure out. I find it feels good to know you're not alone, so I figured I'd post.

i've actually just had an emergency appt with my psychiatrist and he moved me back onto an AD. hoping this goes better
thanks for the responses :)