i feel dirty
 

i feel very dirty right now.
it was a simple night with my boyfriend.
over at his house.
watching a movie.
more like "watching" a movie.
we were more intersted in each other.
i guess you could use the cliche of "one thing led to another"
because it did.
and i was fine with that.
after it was over, he felt the need to touch me.
i didnt want to be touched.
yet he continued to let his hands wander.
i told him to stop and pushed him away.
i guess he didnt understand?
because he was back next to me,
trying to please me.
but it made me sick.
i feel so dirty now.
why wouldnt he just stop.
i was fine with the sex...as long as it didnt involve anything else.
if i we could have just had sex and then let me forget about it.
because i feel dirty now.
i was in the moment to long.
gosh i feel like a slut.
so how does one get over that moment?
the moment of feeling completely out of control?
i could do nothing to make him stop.
he was stronger.
and he knew what he wanted.
i dont know if this is abuse.
but i didnt knwo where else to post it.
i dont knwo if he had a right to touch me like he did.
all i know is i am now i feel dirty
used
broken
and i want what he stole from me back.
i dont know exactly what he stole
all i know is a peice of me is gone
an empty space.
and now i feel like cutting again.
because maybe that can replace what he took.
maybe it can be my penance.
if i cut now, the blood will wash me clean.

*hugs* firstly hun you did nothing wrong..your boyfriend should have listened to you the first time, but if he continued then yes it is assault. you feel the way you do because he used you and ignored what you wanted. just because it was ok with you to have sex the first time does not make it ok for him to have you whenever he wants. you are not a slut!!!
and in the end cutting wont give you back what he took, and it wont make you feel clean (never worked for me anyway)
do you have a close friend you can talk to?
maybe even counselling would help.
take care sweetie xoxoxox

thank you so much. i really appreciate the reassurance that what he did was wrong. unfortunatly all of my friends are uptight about sex in general, so talking to them would only lead to that i "have the devil in me, and its my fault for be permiscuous"
but thank you for the advice.

If you do not consent at any point in time, regardless of what has happened before, then it is wrong if he continues. It does not in any way make you a slut or a bad person and it is certainly not your fault. Do you know how your boyfriend would react if you confronted him about it?

sweetie youre not a slut. you did nothing wrong. and he had to right to take advantage of you like that. it was abuse, regerdless of how he or your friends may try to justify it. is there anyone else you can talk to? a close family member?

you are not a slut dear *hugs* you really arnt erm.....I dont know what advice I could give you...be strong erm and....I dont know, sorry.

thank you all for your support. i appreciate, more than you could know. i guess i wont have to worry about it anymore, thankfully, for we are no longer together. now i just have to learn to trust again. thank you all.

I would say sorry but I don't think that will help because your still going to be hurting so bad and I wish I cud take that hurt and pain away, you know it was not your fault never blame yourself.

You asked your bf to stop he didn't it is abuse and is totally wrong I feel so upset that you were hurt in that way as it can really mess people up emotionally.

Don't let this knock you down stand strong you are such a strong person to have gone through that and be able to chat about it.

Don't let this make you feel any less self worth as you sound like an amazing person try to keep smiling and stand strong am here if you ever want to chat :)

~Rick~