Compulsive Self Destruction
 

I don't even know if this really exist but i feel that this is what i have. No matter how good things go for me i have to do something to ruin it or put strain on it.
Whenever i feel happy i have to find something to destroy that that happiness.

I love destruction yet i hate it at the same time. I'm addicted to it.

I keep trying really hard to get out of this destructive cycle but whenever i try i just mess it all up again.


I think i just want to know if this really exists or if anyone else gets it and if so how do they cope with it.

I'm getting to a point where i'm scared to get close to anyone because i know eventually i will mess it all up.

I can sort of relate.
I'm so used to being mentally unstable that I have found it to be a comfort zone & I hate change & avoid it at all costs.
However, I think my reasons are different than yours.

Do you see anyone?
Perhaps you could discuss this with a professional.

Same I can kind of relate to.

If things go right, they're probabaly going to end up going wrong anyways, so I'd rather I had control of it going wrong (ie **** it up on my own terms) than its going wrong anyways.

Does that make sense? *Cuddles* xx

I can relate a lot to what you've said.
I'm sorry that I don't have any new ideas for trying to control it; I'm not very in control myself at the moment. What people keep trying to get me to see is that, especially where relationships are concerned, if you don't put youself out there, you'll never find someone who accepts your faults. I avoid boy/girlfriend relationships like the plague for fear of ruining it and hurting them.
I'm sorry, i'll tr coming back andwritting more later. I feel like I'm nattering and being entirely unhelpful. You are not alone though, that is forsure.
If you want, PM me and we can talk about it. We have a lot in common!

Have you spoken to a professional about this?
It might be a good idea. I certainly don't think you are alone with this.
(hugs)
xx

I haven't spoken to anyone about it till posting about it on here. I've never really thought about it until the other day when i lashed out at my friend in text messages and well now have lost him all together.

I've always kinda known that i like destructions and that i'm not happy without it but i've never noticed how bad it's been until now.

I'm quite lucky as i have a wonderful husband who excepts that every now and then i will cause massive arguments between us and that i get a buzz from it but other people don't except it like he does. they just think it's me being mean and then they decide they can't be around me because i'm just some messed up pysco.

Yes. I have experienced it as what I call 'internal sabotuer'. I think its something one can look into and work thro/ out. I believe mine has been to do with 'introjects' ie - that is an inlaid message of 'you're not meant to be competent'. (in love or work)

What does this feel like with you? - if you describe it a bit more, maybe it'll become clearer too.

I think more what it is with me is i just have been depressed and unhappy for so long that i long for the feeling when it's gone. I don't so much as miss the feeling as i like being happy but then there is a part of my mind which lives from the destruction and hate i have to myself. If that makes sense.

It's like my mind takes on it's own form and butts in to mess things up and then when i gain control over it again it's to late,the damage has been done and there's noway of explaining it without sounding like a nutjob

I just read this. He sounds like a stalwort type of a guy who doesnt mind wrestling with conflicts, sounds healthy to me - does it feel healthy to you?

^Me too^ It's kinda where I am at the moment

So, you're saying ~ something from inside you takes over, gets acted out on the outside
~ hence the fear of it seeming like a 'nutjob', tho its real enough for you at the time!?

I know he does like a challenge so i could be like he own personal life long challenge. To me it doesn't seem healthy as a loving happy couple have this kind of destruction force upon them like he does from me. We should be normal and when we argue it should be a normal one instead of me trying to hit him or do everything in my power to hurt him emotionally so he tells me to get out.
It's not like i want to leave him, that would destroy me but it seems like that part of my mind clings to that fact and uses it against me when i need my destruction fix.

It does feel so real to me and it scares me when my whole mind reconnects and goes back to a less-destructive state as then i can see the damage i have caused and have to try make it all better and pick up all the pieces to save what i have broken.

One day everyone will get bored of me saying sorry and stop accepting it and i'll be all alone which deep down i know i couldn't handle.

Right. So, - the possibility is to find what this destruction fix is arising from. From there you'd know/ create a better way to act on it.


......like you've been in a black-out?


So, you've got a realistic awareness of the dangers of acting destructively.

I think this is what working thro is for, and what recovery is for. To give you wholesome outlets into the world, so we can create the solutions to the problems that exists, in us, in everone. It IS possible, tho its been a rocky road ~ for me anyway. Oh, I live with regrets about my own destructive behaviour, even today, I was remembering with more awful clarity something I did in the past. I cant undo it, but if my expereinces can help anyone else, - Im willing.

Have you tried getting help before?