Hope/Changes
 

It's funny, it's like whenever I have to ring a helpline or the crisis team and they say 'how can I help?', I always answer back 'ummm, I guess I just want to talk to someone about something. Is that ok?' and mumble a bit more.

So here I am again.

I just want reminding that there is hope and that things do change. Thing is, things do change for me. I just cycle through stupid eating behaviours. They are stupid to me. I know that and fully believe it. But I want things to change and be healthy and nice and happy and good things. (I just think though, at the end of the day I am too weak.)

But I don't know if there is hope.

My life (not my actual raving social life - where??! - but my **** in my head and various relationships) just seems to get in the way. I get tired and too down to make any change. When I'm feeling positive I can make changes, I still get scared by food, I still get urges to binge, but it doesn't override my brain. But then I relapse - due to my 'weakness'.

I want to get better. I have never been officially diagnosed with bulimia though the word was mentioned. Since then, the services gave up on me in that respect. It was seen from their pov I think that I threw their help back at them but it wasn't like that - things were just so difficult at that time. So I have no official help. Unfortunately I can't talk to my family about this. I can talk to my boyfriend but it is a touchy subject.

I am thinking about joining a gym but I am not sure. The thought terrifies me but there is one specially for 'scared people like me' if you get me! I dunno, I am going to think about it. And I am going to try sort out my eating but without an extra rigid plan cause that doesn't tend to work for me.

I don't know if I've explained things very well. :(

x

it's great that you want to sort out your eating...
have you tried looking on the Eating Disorder Association website -
http://www.b-eat.co.uk/Home
you could contact them for ideas how best to help
talking is good... helps to get the sh*t out of our heads... may be go back to your gp and ask for a referral to an ED specialist or to a counsellor...
wish you all the best,
xx

Beat are great i do some stuff with them.

You can beat this. I was told i couldnt get better, that i was abusing the help and stuff...in the end i got private none ED related therapy and got better sorting out how to deal with my eating all by myself. Kinda empowering really.

What do you think you need right now?

I think the idea of not using a rigid meal plan is going to be your best bet. Rigid meal plans (I have found...) only set up for failure, either falling into restriction, or binging because your body is craving the food. And if you set things that you cannot rigidly eat, you're likely to want them, yknow?

Anyway, I believe there is hope. You're an intelligent girl and overall thought things are tough you've come through every tough time before, and you can keep on going.

Is it possible for you to get professional help? I know you say the services gave up on you but is there another way you can get some support?

Keep fighting & posting, you can do this

xxxx

Thanks. :) Unfortunately things have changed a bit. Everything's gotten worse.

I have emailed beat once in the past (and just now) they are great. I am going to try mention it to my CPN after the hols. Don't feel much like doing it though.

Last night everything went wrong. I don't understand why. This is quite gross but...

I was very sick (purging a huge binge) and my boyfriend rang me, gathered what had happened and went very quiet on me. I feel guilty cause I have rung him before when I have hurt myself in other ways and he has his own **** to deal with, it's unfair of me, but it's that little needy i-need-comfort-i-need-love side of me that comes out, and I don't stop and think about other people.

So my sister heard me purging and then went in to the bathroom to wash etc afterwards and was almost sick herself and got so mad, it was her birthday as well. My mum started talking to me she was upset and angry and a million other things and I said there wasn't a problem. My mum feels desperate. I switched into that state where I don't want help yet I feel out of control. I feel alone.

I don't want people to pat me on the back and say 'that's fine', no. I don't know what I want. I think I need to grow up but I can't. It's like there's a huge barrier stopping me. :(