My PTSD is hurting so much right now
 

I just need some understanding from other people here with PTSD.

There've been several triggers in the past few days for my PTSD, particularly the Complex PTSD elements of it. It's enabling me to look at and feel and contain. But I feel so vulnerable.

Vulnerable.
Volatile.
Wary.
Hyper-vigilant, jumpy.
Fiercely protective.
Violent - although I'm managing to hold that off. You know how you become super strong and dangerous physically when you feel under threat? It's that layer of feeling.
Acutely sensitive.
Tearful.

This is no emotional numbing PTSD style. This is un-numbing, "and the world had better watch out, because I'm going to fight back for my right to exist and have feelings".....

I just need someone to be with me, someone to hold me, someone to understand, someone to not laugh at me, someone to care about my feelings. Please.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way hun *warm safe cuddles* but I hear you and I understand. I'm here to listen and support you hun, we all are. No one is going to laugh at you for struggling hun.
I'm sorry you have found things very triggering lately and I hope these feelings calm soon and you find some peace. I know you can find the holidays hard and please remember that we are always here and my PM box is always open if you need some support or your feelings heard. Take things gentley and give yourself the time and understanding you deserve hun.
Always here
Xxx

*puts an arm round you and sits with you* I understand. I understand the pain and emotional whirlwind that is PTSD.

*cuddles gently* No words but I understand how hard it can be deal with PTSD as I am really struggling with it too. Remember you have gotten this far before so you will get through this

I hope you're doing OK. I've just had a whole host of stuff uncovered this week that I didn't even remember happened with my PTSD. I have the very strange sensation of "un-numbing" you described, then re-numbing to numb the un-numbed part. If that makes sense? My emotions all come flooding back and I feel again like a 12 year old boy. Then everything around me becomes blurry and I go back into this state of unreality.

I hope you can get through this. It's so hard. But every second you stand it and don't let it take over is another second you have won.

In hope.

Thank you.
I'm sat here at home, wrapped in a blanket, doing word puzzles and I can't concentrate on much of anything. I feel so raw and ... violated. Is it the memory-feelings that are violating my life now [although they have been in a more underground way up to this point], or is it the actual feeling of how I felt back then but couldn't feel? Oh God, was it really that bad? Well, yes, it was, the things they did, the things they said, over and over and over and over again.
Every moment is raw and feels like forever.
I go shopping, and behave so much like a wounded animal at times, like today, and it frightens me and I feel so ashamed.
I'm close to tears, and yet I'm not crying.
All I want to do is curl up under my blankets and sleep. But then I wouldn't sleep at night, so I don't.
I feel like my mind is scattered in many pieces, that it hurts too much to piece back together.

That's a horrible feeling... it's worse than actually being able to cry. At least crying is a release, yet it's almost like it wants to stay there and torment you for what seems like forever.

I really really hope things get better...

I'm really sad for you. Yes, it really was that bad, and it hurts so much. I don't feel shame when you describe you, I just feel sad and so understanding. I realise that shame is such a prevailing feeling though.

I feel in a similar place and it's unchartered territory. You'd kind of think that standing up for yourself after so much abuse and trauma would feel freeing, and to an extent it is, but it also exposes a lot of deep, deep hurt that was maybe a little bit hidden from before.

Can you watch a fun DVD on your laptop? Something that will captivate your little you.

*Wraps you in a fluffy patchwork blanket and gives you a big cuddle*.

We're right here.

Thank you so much.

I've gone into 'brain-freeze', because of feeling overwhelmed, I guess. I also have a headache. I just hurt, really.
I don't want to be the 'neighbourhood freak' any more, I really really don't. But I don't know how to stop Katrina.

*safe hugs
No words, sorry Katie.
But I'll listen (we all will) if it will be of any help.
*sits with you*
xx

I'm frightened.
Everything's changing.
I feel so vulnerable, so tearful.
Please hold me.

*hold you gently*
It's going to be ok sweety, I promise. It's ok to be vulnerable, it's ok to feel what you're feeling. They are not bad.
What do you feel is changing hun? You've been through a very stressful time lately and I think perhaps this is the build up of all that stress and triggering things that have happened boiling over.
We're all here for you and you are safe ok hun?
Keep posting, we will listen and understand
xxx

Thank you.

It's complicated to explain, and I'm not really properly awake yet. I'll try and come back later and say more.

I don't feel I've got any words. I can't find words in my mind. Like I'm in a bubble, and can't reach people even online.
And I'm so tired.

*Leaves gentle cuddles* Sorry I wish I had more but wanted to let you know I am thinking of you

Paranoid.
Insecure.
Katrina's out.
Hide. Must hide. They'll find me, rip me to pieces, laugh at me, hurt me, snare me.
Please keep me safe, please.
I can't be anyone else but me.
I'm sorry that I'm me, that I'm not tough enough.
That's why I got Katrina, because I wasn't tough.
Close to tears now, close.
Hide in sleep, hide.

*cuddles Katie* Things sound really tough for you at the moment, is there something you can do to make yourself feel a bit safer?

Thanks Kat.

It comes and flows in in waves. It's a natural part of the process. I feel so emotional, emotions that I've shut away for years and am feeling now, full volume.

*Hugs* How are you doing today?

I'm sorry everything is so raw and overwhelming right now.
Are you feeling any safer?
thinking of you
(*leaves safe hugs*)
xx