back to square 1
 

gave up sh for lent, managed it, managed to stay clear all summer, start feeling low again...althought i dont think i ever stopped feeling low tbh, it just caught up with me if that makes sense...and now i've started sh again, been to doctors, been to counsellors, been told that if i want they can put me on antidepressants, been told i'm depressed...i feel like i have nothing left to give, like i've died on the inside and left and empty husk of myself behind, still thinking, still remembering but not feeling...and i used to be such an emotional person...both positive and negative emotions, now except when things get really bad and the negative stuff shows through the rest of it all feels fake and forced and unreal...i dont seem to feel anything anymore...and i'm scared of the cutting getting again...maybe worse than before...

*hugs* you're not back at square one cause you know that you can do it, and you know what stuff helped you cope. It is hard though. *even more hugs*

I agree, you aren't back at square one. You seem to have a lot of insight in to what is going on for you and you are aware of the dangers of self harm and that it could get worse, which means you aren't right back at the start.
I'm sorry things seem so unreal/numb to you. Did anything trigger this for you? Have you spoken to the professionals about these feelings? It is often a symptom of depression and it doesn't mean it will be like this forever.
xx

im sorry things have become bad for you again?
has anything in particular happened recently that is making you feel this way?

how do you feeling about being on anti depressants again? do you think that would be something that would help? x

I dont really know whats triggered it or why or anything tbh...it just kinda seems to have crept up on me out of nowhere...

i'm not really sure what i think about antidepressants...i'm scared that if i don't do something things are going to get worse so maybe going on them would be a good idea...but i'm also scared that once i'm on them i'd become dependent on them and not come off them for a long time...

i have spoken to both doctors and counsellors about how i'm feeling atm, and they've both kinda said that what happens next is my choice...kinda wish they'd just make a decision for me but i guess they want me to pick the course i think is best for myself...how i'm meant to work that out i don't know...

i know i'm not 100% back to square one in the sense that i'm more aware of the dangers this time...but it wasnt as if i wasnt aware first time round, i'd had friends who had self harmed and had come to me for help and support etc...and tbh i don't really know what my coping methods were so don't really know how to tap into them again...either that or i can't really pinpoint which ones worked and which didn't...

Thanks to a mate desiding they couldn't cope with being the only one at uni who knew and who i could turn to i now have a couple of other uni mates who know...and who luckily are decent enough people to understand whats going on and be there for me rather than being judgemental...so i'm in a slightly better position to deal with it than before...but i'm still scared...