i never do anything right.
 

nothing.
he just left. like....gone. i'll be back later to pick up some stuff he said. then drove away.

i fucking pushed him away. like...for good. i am such a fucking dumb bitch. i shouldn't have said anything. i should just always keep my mouth closed.

i am not in a safe state of mind. no. not safe. trigger past hard to stay grounded. mouth shut. dumb. hurt me. hurt me. hurt me hurtme hurt me.hurt me.

(hugs)
Please don't hurt yourself. Maybe you can have a chat with him when he returns for his belongings? Tell him you regret saying what you did.
Meanwhile try and stay distracted and safe, keep posting here if you want. You are going to be okay.

he just came back. and yelled more.
i want to leave now and cut. get in my car and drive where no one can find me. bleed out in my car. in the woods far away.

No, don't do that. You are both obviously distressed at the moment, once you have both calmed down it would be a good time to talk. I know you're feeling bad and hurt now but people say things they don't mean when they are worked up as have probably both of you. You need to look after yourself and try to calm down.

i told him to stop talking to me. it took awhile but he did. and now i can calm down a bit. and stop reacting in my trauma response. so...i will call my friend and talk with her a bit. i still want to hurt myself. but i will wait until after i speak with her.

serendipity....thank you for responding to my post right away. means more than you realize.

*hugs*

You're very welcome :)
I'm glad that you are able to calm down now - I hope that speaking to your friend will help and if you are still urging to self harm then you can always come back here for support.

(hugs)

i can't call her.
i can't.
she was sad. and i can't bother her. someone in her family died. she had memorial service today and i am supposed to comfort her. i cannot be selfish like that. i will just hold it in. i am good at that. holding things in. why can't i learn to hold my tongue? mouth always getting me in trouble. cut tongue? mouth. face.

no, don't cut anything hon.
Surely you can comfort your friend but also mention what has happened with you too? You have both had a tough day and both need support it would seem. You shouldn't have to hold anything in, you deserve to be able to talk about things especially as they are distressing you. PM me if you like.
You aren't selfish at all.

i was always quiet. i always kept my mouth shut cuz then it would eventually stop. just stay quiet. quiet as a mouse. he'll leave you alone if you stay really quiet. she'll stop yelling if you don't say anything back. pretend you're sleeping and he'll leave you alone. quiet quiet quiet quiet quiet quiet quiet quiet quiet quiet quiet quiet quiet quiet quiet quiet quiet quiet quiet quiet quiet quiet and everything will be fine. i knew i was right. quiet is good. speaking is bad. not going to talk anymore. can't. done with words. i tried. i failed.

try again

what a shitty night. so...i didn't hurt myself but only because i had to be concerned with my asthma. i ended up in the ER and had to have some breathing treatments and stuff. which...i am SO proud of myself for doing. i have NEVER gone to the ER before. I was scared, but i have to breathe.

i guess i could consider talking again, but not anytime soon. took along time for me to talk and a set back like that is bad.

should talk to therapist this week. will try.

(hugs)
Don't feel bad for ending up in the ER. It's nothing to criticize yourself over, you couldn't help it.
I hope your therapist is supportive of you.