just things
 

this probably shouldnt be here
so you can all ignore this
just this place i feel fairly safe
its safe to write

thing is i cant forget all he did
reliving it everyday hurts so much
nightmares mean im scared to go to sleep
i know im not on my own with this and i know many of you have the same thing as well and im just being a moany bitch going on about it as i know i shouldnt be like this im not worth this i should be dealing with it when all of you have been through so much worse than me and so i understand you are all probably tired of me-probably most of you have stopped reading by now and that would be the right thing to do

im sorry
i can feel him so much right now
ive tried bleach again even tho i know its useless and i need something stronger-ive tried cutting it all away making it non existent so i shouldnt feel that anymore and its not working
i cant have a bath im scared to get undressed which is stupid
i know im pathetic and stupid
i know im wasting all your time
im very sorry

one thing i must put in is im not suicidal-i cant be dealing with that anymore-the only reason i put that is people on here have called the police on me-police scare me alot
we had a policeman at work for some other reason and it scared the hell out of me and i froze

im sorry
his hands are getting worse
i know whats going to happen
the first time in some ways was easier as i never knew what would happen-didnt know how bad the pain was
to just relive the first time would be easier-how sick is that-im sick
im sorry
so sorry
im bad and know that
im sorry
i want to stop feeling him all over me want to stop reliving every little thing
stopping seeing the look in his eyes and hearing his words
im sorry

sorry for this long ramble

I'm glad you feel safe enough to post this here - I know it's difficult finding safe places for us. You're not wasting our time, nor are you pathetic or stupid or any other harsh word you've used against yourself. You're simply hurting from something that you never should have been subjected to in the first place.

*offers hugs* I'm sorry I don't have any good advice, but I wanted you to know you're not alone sweetie. If you want to rant or chat about anything feel free to PM me. Take care xx

its good just to have a wee ramble and know that you have said whats bothering you so dont be sorry

i realy dont know how to reverse the negative feelings as i havnt come up with a plan to dothat yet

each day i just remind myself the same thing

it makes you stronger.
makes you more aware

i cant cope with feeling him
im scared

what is scaring you?
is it a flashback of him you feel touching you?

im sorry
i need to get clean
im a very dirty person
i cant get clean

you dont need to be sorry hun, Youve been through a horrible experience and i know what your goin through as ive been there, If you need to talk PM me xxxx

im sorry
im dirty
im sorry
bleach doesnt help
saw chris today
im bad
im sorry
i let him touch me not down there but on my chest
i shouldnt
im dirty whore

im sorry
im struggling lots
i keep feeling
i need to harm
need to make it go away
not that anyone cares
i cant keep this smile without harming
not allowed to cry
get told off if cry
im weak
i showed him i was weak
i cried
that why he could do it
i deserve to be punished

psych appointment tomorrow
im scared
not that anyone cares
noone will read this they never do

went to psych
told everything
sorry
noone cares
im just a **** up

Well done!
I am so so proud of you for telling the psych it was very brave.
How do you feel about it now?
x

i feel crap
im sorry
im a very bad person
i asked for it all
im very bad

im very bad
my harming bad down there
im sorry
i need to stop his hands
they never go
nightmares bad
cant do this

Well done for writing all of this down!!! Even if you feel it was just a rant, it was doing something. Could you show this to anybody do you think?

Maybe if you talk to your psych a bit more, about what youve written down on here?

You are not dirty or disgusting and you do not deserve to be punished and I will keep saying that until you believe me!!!

Take care xx

please help
im sorry
i cant cope
i feel disgusting
i can feel him, hear him, see him
his hands creeping all over my body, his breath on my neck, his lips on my breasts
his teeth digging in, the sting of his slaps
"dirty girls do this, you enjoy this"
"come on you enjoy this, why arent you bigger, you'll like this"
"it wont hurt, you can take me all, it wont hurtt if you practice, dont complain"
2look at this you like pain, you hurt yourself"

bad jo bad
dirty whore dirty dirty whore
his body
his weight on me
nightmares
seeing him
fighting him
i never win
i never will
jo bad

i just want to say sorry and i know noone cares

*BIG HUGS*
I know im only one person, but i do care, and im really sorry that its happened to you, but just remember that you are better then him! no matter what he said to you, no matter what was done, you are one million billion trillion times better then he will ever be!
please stay safe, pm me if you wanna talk or rant or even just say hi..ill be here..take care xxx

People do care Jo or they wouldn't reply or leave hugs.
This is not your fault and you are none of those things you call yourslef you have been made to feel like this.
You deserve better than that.
You will win Jo never give up
You can do this.
x

i care jo, and im sure there are many many people who care about you.

im sorry you went through these horrible things, but as katy says, dont give up.

you deserve to be happy.