Where Is She?
 

she is lost
she is scared to come back
she is two weeks free and hates it
she craves to 'let' and will when the time is right
she has new plans to od....it seems that one thing replaces another
she doesnt know what shes doing or where she is in the scheme of things
she feels really low and alone

she would really appreciate some support right now
thank you xx

She, i'm guessing is you?
I'm so sorry you feel like this babe.
&& i hope you start to feel better, but you are not alone.
Never alone, we're all here :)
If you need ANYTHING message me
xoxo

hey, 2 weeks well done! no matter what happens you can say you went for 2 weeks and you can build on that.

i know you're suffering, but maybe a different mindset could help, rather than facing defeat before it happens tell yourself that you will try not to let, and when you feel a bit stronger that trying could be a cop out, because you can always say 'you tried' whether or not you actually did try. so when you feel a bit stronger tell yourself you will not let, because that is the action of an ill person and you are trying your best to get better.

hows things with everything else, the anaemia etc?
mand x

Hey well done for being two weeks free - that is so amazing!And i am SO SO glad to see you posting again.i have missed you so much.i am sorry ive not been around for you.i will text you about your post tomorrow.Well done for reaching out.im sorry you feel so bad and so alone.Please keep talking and dont go away.xxxx

hey great job on 2 weeks free. Build on that!!!!! It is a great steping stone. remember to take everything one step at a time and not to overdue urself. Hugs from me and I hope u stay strong!

love you rowie. mand x

thank you...
 

Thank you miss angelus, sallymay, mand and kath for your replies. it means alot to me.
Love you too mand and im so sorry i missed your birthday
Have been thinking about you kath and hoping youre ok.

My anemia is still there with the same side affects. the trouble is, now ive gone two weeks without si, i feel a huge need to punish myself and so as not to si on my arm i know it will be letting.

Ive been off work for almost 6months now and I think its getting to that time where i either return or they get rid of me. they have been amazing to keep me on following my previous two years sick leave. im just not sure im ready and im not sure my doctor will sign me fit to return. but i cant stand the thought of losing my job. maybe i could just return after my sick note expires or do i need a return to work certificate?

I know in my heart i wont cope, especially with my anemia and i cant get that fixed....so what do i do? I have to give it a go and if i fail atleast ive tried. xx

sorry i havent been here for you.
i love you to pieces rowie bird
*snuggles*

hey Rachel, no need for appologies sweetie
You need to focus on you and get yourself well again

maybe it would be better to resign than lose a job, and that gives you the option to return whenever you feel well enough, without knowing they're missing a member of staff and feeling guilty for it.

you need to think about this rowie, *you* do not need/want to punish yourself, *she* does. so maybe indulge yourself a little, you've done something huge, 2 weeks, i mean WOW! treat yourself, the best chocolates in the world, some nice massage oil to make your skin soft and smell nice, or to put in a bowl of water whilst you soak your feet. a good chick flick with your daughter and your favourite meal.

constantly try to push the bad thoughts away by celebrating your achievements in distracting, feel-good ways.

love n cuddles, don't worry bout missing my b'day only one person on here sent me a message, mand x

I have no advice at the moment sorry (im having a brain frazzle) but im sending huge hugs your way.
Meg x

thank you mand and meg. xx

thing is, if i resign from work would i lose my benefit? they have said that if i cant return within the set timescale that they would have me back.......but would they?? Im just going to have to give it another go and if i breakdown like i did last time because it was too soon then so be it.


ive never felt so low as i do right now. im on two weeks leave from therapy, (my choice) as it gives my hubby a break from driving me all the way there and it saves us £120.....but i really need it. I can feel myself sinking lower and lower. not in a dangerous way of wanting to do something to me.......but just really low. ive refused to have my meds today, cant be bothered with it all anymore. in all honesty i cant be bothered with anything. im still wearing the same clothes i wore on sunday and monday and no doubt i will wear them tomorrow. its as much as i can do to change my underwear. i dont wash and very rarely clean my teeth. im a mess.

i have plans never to see my doctor again then i wont be harrassed about having a transfusion and also he wont beable to keep tabs on me. i have an ample supply of pills should i need them and i have my special place on my body where i know i can bleed from...its healed but i know where to find it.

i have homework to do of filling in a form everytime i have a happy moment and what it felt like and how i felt........im still waiting for one to come along

**** im so low
thats it

thinking of you my dearest rowie
lots of love
always here
bec x

you shouldn't lose benefit, as you had to leave on health terms. it's not doing your mental health any good being in suspense. if i were you i'd go to citizen's advice or ring them to find out what you have to do to prove that you're leaving on health grounds, and if they need to terminate your contract at work - get them to do that, if you need a dr's letter then get one. find out before you do anything, then you're covered.
mand x

I'm sorry Rowie, I'm not in a great place but I really am still routing for you. Please to listen to Mand.

*hugs*


xxx

Thank you Mand, Carrie and Becci.

I just cant snap out of this one.
Ive started spending money again on the internet so I can get parcels through the post. I have so many clothes now I dont know what to do with them.......it brings me a little bit of happiness, but it doesnt last long. Im thinking that I have to give my card to my hubby, but that means me relinquishing control and I hate that.

I have a doctors appointment on Monday. Still not sure whether to cancel it or not. I just dont see the point in going....we always discuss the same things over and over and never get anywhere.

I really do think I need a change of medication as this one just isnt lifting my mood anymore, but he wont change my meds until im physically well.....in that my anemia is treated and that wont be happening. So I will live each day of this miserable life feeling low and **** and such like.

I have no energy, my lovely home is a tip, every room has mess in it and I hate it but have no get up and go to deal with it and its just bringing me down even more.

I cant live my life like this anymore and i cant change it...ive tried
So whats the answer? Those little pills I have hidden away?

I just dont know anymore. I really dont

rowie, you take control of the finances, cut the card up!
send back what you can and then have a sort through and either sell on ebay or take to a charity shop.

if you want to be in control, then why do you let 'her' take it from you? you want new meds - you know what you have to do, why let her tell you that you can't?

you can take liquid iron, you can take little steps, it's all gotta help even if it won't work as fast as traditional treatments, if its all you can manage then so be it.

please be good to yourself.
mand x

I cant let go of the anemia, its out of the question

I am giving my card to hubby and at the end of the summer i will have a sort out and send unwanted items to charity...cant be bothered to ebay. too much like hard work.

I think the trouble is, I just cant be bothered. Ive lost the will and want to do anything. Everything is too much hard work and because im letting things fall by the way side....so am i. I havent been to therapy nor have i worked on the homework and im slipping and i dont care

If it consumes me then so be it

Sorry, i know thats not the answer and I know I should be pro recovery but I just havent got it in me to fight anymore.

Maybe I shouldnt be posting anymore for that reason

Love you Mand and thank you for standing by me all the time xx

but is it you clinging to the anaemia, or are you scared to let it go because of the consequences?

i think you do care, but it's all just too much right now.

you need to keep control, so why do you let yourself slip like this? keep on at the therapist and the dr's until they wake up and help you.
if you don't do it for yourself, no-one else will. and it's pretty hard to be in control when you're 6 feet under.

I let myself slip like this because I deserve nothing better
I deserve to suffer

I am on the verge of doing something....either od or cutting really deeply and I know it will happen...it has to.

My arm is still bleeding from thursdays cutting episode

I dont care

I dont care what happens to me anymore