going back.
 

so i have been doing really well recently, for the past 4 months or so and now i feel as if i am going to go back to my old ways. i was sexually abused as a child by my brother and this is on my mind so much at the moment, more than usual and its really getting to me and making me feel really down. i dont think i can cope much longer if this carries on being on my mind as much as it has. i get really strong memories and i dont know what to do with myself. i really dont want to go back to the cutting because i have been doing so well and havent cut for 4 months. im scared that if these memories and thoughts get any worse then i will also go back to thinking about taking my life again and i really dont want that as i spent the best part of 2 yrs feeling that way and was so relieved when it went. i know i should probably talk to the dr/nurses at the hospital but i dont feel like i am able to because they will just stop me from going on leave and i dont need that because it will make me feel even worse if i am confined to the unit. i really dont know what to do. please help me.

sam

Hey,
I'm sorry you're going through a diffcult time right now. *hugs*
Please tell the doctor how you're feelin', maybe write it down and show them? They can help you, hun. *cuddles* I'm here if you need me. xo.

thanks for the hugs katiee, they mean a lot. i will think about telling my doc, im just not sure what they will do. i dont want things taken away from me. x

This sounds like a really difficult situation.

And i know that your scared and worried but im really glad your considering telling your doc.

It sounds really important so that they can help you as best as possible and it does sound like there is a lot going on for you/a lot for you to deal with right now.

i can completely understand why you would be worried about things being taken away, being confined to the unit etc.

If this happened they would only be looking out for your best interests though.

i understand why you would worry about this/find the thought of it very hard also though.

But if it would make it any easier do you think you could talk to them about these worries and concerns before you tell them anything - maybe then they can talk things through with you and also re-assure you like that things wont be taken off you except for as a very last resort etc?

Or write everything down?Like how you are feeling, the issues you are struggling with and also your concerns about how things will be dealt with.

They would then have something to read and re-read and could take a little time to think about what to do considering all that you have said including your worries.

Obviously i dont know the unit or the people but i really hope they would only take things away or confine you to the unit if they had extremely serious concerns and/or as a very last resort where you were in immediate danger.

Especially if you are willing to work with them and show them this.

If they can see you are trying to be open and honest and responsible and work with them as much as possible i think they are more likely to feel able to negotiate on these things to a certain degree.

Remember they are there to work with you and not against you and though its really scary its important they know what is going on.

If you cant communicate verbally maybe write it if that helps.i find it does but i know it doesnt work for everyone.

i think your very brave and it sounds like you have fought through so much already.Remember recovery is never a straight forward path but you are still getting there.

i hope that you and the staff can work together to keep you safe.

Take care and keep posting.

hey, i'm sorry you're struggling right now. *lots of hugs* maybe just tell the drs that you're struggling with memories? Maybe they can help you with the trauma portion of it and you can tell them about SI thoughts if you want or not if you don't want. Maybe just talking about it will help a lot. I doubt they'd take away leave just because you're having bad memories. pm me if you ever need to talk.

hey, sorry its taken me so long to reply, i have just come back on home leave again. thanks for all of your suggestions. i have been trying to write things down to get them off my mind and it is for short periods of time which is such a relief. i also wrote a letter to staff saying how i was feeling and that i wasnt sure i could cope much longer and they spoke to me about it and havent taken my leave away which i am so relieved about. the memories and flashbacks are getting to me so much though and im terrified because i am leaving hospital soon and im just worried that there wont be so much support. i dont want to leave the people that i know and trust. thanks again for the support, you are all so kind. x

sammy:

Take a deep breath, find the nearest pillow, and squish it in a hug. Then, go find a smooth stone, rub it with your fingers, and concentrate on all the negative thoughts. Imagine each one leaving through your fingertips and getting sucked into the stone. When the stone starts to feel heavy, lift it up high and throw it into a lake/pond/ body of water, or bury it in the dirt. It helps me...but then again, I have an hyperactive imagination. Either way, DON'T give up. Keep fighting. You ARE worth it.

thanks for that suggestion, i might try it. just to let you guys know. im now off till thursday coz im going back to hosp. you have all been really helpful. :)

x