confused...
 

I feel weird posting posting this, and I don't know if I can even say it that will make sense, but it's been bothering me for a while now, and I think I really need to talk about it.

There are all these little bits of things that I remember from when I was little, and also things that I still do that would make it make sense, that make me think something bad might have happened, but then there are other things that don't fit that make it seem all made up, and I guess I don't know how to make sense of it.

The worst one is that I remember once being held down on the bathroom floor screaming and crying while they put medicine on my private parts... and there are all these things that I remember about it as facts, like I remember knowing them, but I don't remember them actually happening... like I know that it was my parents, that it was some kind of medicine, that I had to have it every day for a certain number of days, and that it was the second time I'd had a course of that type of medicine... and for some reason I think I was 4 years old, but I don't know why I think that. But I tried to look up what it could have been, and it doesn't make any sense, because there isn't any reason that a little girl should have needed medicine down there, because there are a few things that could have medicine down there that a kid could get but all of them could also be treated with normal oral medication, and also I remember it being in a syringe-ish thing and that it had to go *in* and I couldn't find anything like that that it could have been, and I also remember that it hurt a lot which just having to put cream or stuff down there shouldn't. And I don't know, it doesn't make sense, and I guess it just scares me.

And there are other things that would make sense. Like I remember there being a really specific time in preschool when I stopped talking to people. I used to not even answer direct questions a lot of the time, even into middle school, I only talked to a few people I knew really well, and I still... I don't know, I'm still abnormally quiet (and I mean really wierdly so), and the thing is I remember talking to people like a normal kid when I was really little, and the way I remember it something changed around the time I first had a loose tooth, which would have been when I was 4, and I stopped talking to people, only I don't know why, or if it even really happened that way. The thing is, if I really did suddenly stop talking then I would have thought my parents would have noticed, especially given that my mom's a child psychologist so she's trained to notice changes in kids behavior.

Other stuff two, like when I was little I used to run around the house naked, and then at some point I didn't want anyone ever to see me naked (well before I started puberty, so it wasn't that). And I remember liking to snuggle with my mom when I was little, and then at some point I stopped letting anyone touch me at all ever, and it still freaks me for people to touch me and I try to avoid it whenever possible, and I don't know when that changed by I was still pretty little (I know less than 11 because it was before we moved, and I think it was at least a few years before that).

And there's stuff now that would make sense, but most of it's too embarassing to say right now.

But then if there really were all these changes in behavior, then wouldn't my mom have noticed? My 2nd grade teacher thought I was depressed, and I don't know what other teachers said to my parents but considering that I used to sit with my knees and head tucked inside my shirt they probably said something to my parents about it, but my mom watched what I was doing and whatever and decided nothing was wrong, and considering that she evaluates kids behaviors all the time for signs of bad stuff, she would have noticed if it was her own kid, right? And also I know that neither of my parents would ever hurt me, so what I remember I don't actually remember them being there exactly but I remember knowing it was them, so then what really happened?

And maybe I'm just looking for a reason, for an excuse, for why I'm so weird and screwed up now, and it's just disgusting and it's not fair to people who really did have something bad happen for me to pretend like this, and maybe I'm just a fake and don't belong here.

Sorry that was so long. I don't even know what I'm hoping for posting this here... I just... I just want it to make sense and stop hurting.

First off, *huggles* I'm sorry for all of this pain and confusion; I can kind of relate from when conciousness of some sort of childhood sexual abuse resurfaced in my mind and I didn't know how to make sense of it.

Perhaps you remember it being your parents and them putting medicine on you because you wanted to change it to something your mind could comprehend, instead of something reprehensible like some other adults sexually abusing you? If you were that young your mind wouldn't know how to deal with it, so what better way than to convince itself of a safe, okay situation?

Did you act differently around other people than you did at home? Because at home I was always loud and energetic, but I was really shy and quiet at school for the longest time, and I seem to recall my mom being baffled at being told how quiet and polite I was because I was so RAH! at home. So are you aware of that being the case with you? Were you comfortable around your parents just not anyone else?

That's about all I can think of that might be helpful to you right now. *hugs* take care, and you can PM me anytime if you'd like to talk more about this.

Thanks for answering. I was scared no one was going to since it was so long and screwed up.

I did always talk more at home than at school, and even now I'm usually constantly chattering when I'm with my parents but with other people at school or work or wherever I'm almost entirely silent whenever at all possible. But my parents definitely always knew that I was so quiet at school - my mom even took me to see a shrink about it briefly when I was little - and my mom definitely knows that kids can be totally different depending if they're at home or school, so I don't know.

The thing about changing how I remembered it makes sense except that I don't think my parents ever left me alone with anyone who might have done something like that, and I don't know, I'm so sure that what I remember knowing about it being medicine is real that I don't think it could be made up. I don't know, it just doesn't make sense.

Do you have any shifty relatives? Do you by any chance remember if they ever left you alone with some relatives who could have done this to you, who they would have been unsuspecting of doing something so horrific?

No, all my relatives are good people, and I can't imagine that any of them would have hurt me. And they all have kids of their own, all of whom are sufficiently normal and non-screwed up that they're clearly good parents as well, so it wouldn't make sense. I don't know, my parents are so careful and protective, and my mom especially is a really good judge of character, I just can't imagine how there was anyone who could have hurt me. But I can't imagine how it could have really happened how I remember it either.

Maybe you should ask you mom about this then? Or if you don't want to be direct ask about the different medicines you needed as a child. Or figure out another way you could gingerly approach the topic.

Oh, I've just had a thought. Did you attend preschool or nursery school or whatever you call it when you were 4? Is it possible that some authority people at the school did it to you? That might explain why you started becoming so uncomfortable and reclusive (for lack of thinking of a better word) at school.

I am not fully aware of your age but could you maybe look at your medical notes. If your parents were putting medicine down there in such a way as you remember it it is likely that it will be mentioned in there and that may bring clarity about what went on?

I think it is important to remember that although your mum may be assesing kids behaviour at work all day she may be blind to it at home. The last thing a parent wants to admit to themselves is that there children are hurting and suffering or having to even contemplate that someone is hurting or abusing their child. Maybe you could randomly bring up the conversation of teachers being worried about you by asking if you had always been such an amazing child or if you had ever worried teachers or reminice about teachers and see what your parents say?

huggles

I did go to preschool, and I've thought at about, but I don't think that anyone there hurt me, because I think that I liked going, and I don't think that I was ever alone with any of my teachers there. I guess I don't remember that much of it really, but I don't remember ever not wanting to go to school, or ever seeing anyone alone with a teacher there. And the school had a really good reputation, and still does I think, and if kids were being abused there then I would think it would have come out eventually even if I didn't say anything about it.

I don't think I could talk to my mom about it. I don't know why, it's just not something I could talk to her about. She thinks of me as not having had any problems (apart from academic consequences of being dyslexic), and asking her about it then she'd know it bothers me, and for some reason I can't... I don't know... it's just not something I can talk to her about. And same goes for asking about what teachers said about me, since then it sounds like I'm questioning if I had a happy childhood or something. And neither of those make any sense when I say them, but I don't know, I just can't... Maybe I can find my old elementry school report cards, though, which would have had comments on them (since we didn't get actual grades yet), but I think all they'll say is about how I was so quiet, because they couldn't notice anything else was wrong if I didn't talk and mostly avoided interacting with teachers as much as possible.

Looking up medical records is a really good idea, and I hadn't thought of that. I'm not sure if I'll be able to find it or not because I can't just call up and ask for a copy of my medical records because I get too nervous about calling people to actually do it (plus my doctor charges $15 to get a copy). And I don't know if my current doctor would even have it because we moved when I was 11, and I don't know if medical records from my doctor before that would be in my file there or if I'd have to get them from my old doctor who I wouldn't even know the name of. But I can look through my mom's file draw when I'm home in two weeks and see if I can find anything (I know she has vacination records in there, so maybe there will be something), and if I don't find anything, I'll probably be going to the doctor soon to get my second HPV shot, and I'll try to ask the nurse if I can look at my file while I'm there... I'm 20, so I don't need my parents permission for any of this, it's just a matter finding a why that I'm comfortable asking for them.

*huggles* im sorry youre hurting and confused right now. im not really in the best state of mind to give you a reply, i can relate to the confusion, when i started retriving some repressed memories my mind left out and still has vast chunks of it and i tried to explane it in other ways that didnt make any sense. anyway i hope you get some kind of answers hun. maybe therapy would help make sense of confused memories?
take care
x x x

I don't have any answers to anything. (But that's par for the course) Maybe your mom didn't see the changes because she didn't want to. Parents are so good at fooling themselves about things sometimes.

Thanks for the replies. I just... I probably don't even deserve them... I'm probably just making it all up and don't even belong here at all... Maybe everyone else didn't see it because they didn't want to, but isn't it more likely that I did want to see it, that I'm just making up an excuse for being screwed up, and nothing at all happened, and everything wrong with me I did to myself, it's all my own fault, and I'm just looking for someone else to blame... and I shouldn't even be posting here because it's not fair to people who actually deserve support and sympathy. I'm sorry. And probably i don't even believe any of that and just convinced myself i'm upset to get attention i don't deserve :(

I'm sorry for posting this here - I wasted everyone's time. I don't have any right to come here asking for support when everything that's wrong with me I did to myself, and I was just turning something okay into something bad. I'm sorry.

hold on sweetie
just because you have no "proof" as yet doesn't mean you should assume that you're making it up to explain your actions
you do deserve to post here, as do we all - and you're not wasting our time
did you look for the records? (or not got round to it yet)
take care of yourself
stay strong
xxx

I won't be able to look for any records until week after next, but I asked about it on the first aid forum, and AD said that they do treat yeast infections in little kids that way even though there are oral medicines as well because the oral ones don't always work as well, so probably what I remember wasn't really anything bad and I just convinced myself it might have been because I wanted to be able to blame someone else for stuff that's really my own fault, and I probably just wanted people to feel sorry for me, and it wasn't fair for me to manipulate you guys like that and pretend that I deserved support when really I didn't because really it was all my own fault. And it's not fair to people who really did have bad things happen for me to lie about it and use it like that, and I'm a terrible person for even thinking it in my head let alone posting any of it here, and I'm sorry for posting it.

you deserve support. you do! im sorry i havent been around recently.

i have about as much proof as you do that something happened to me. its scary, and sometimes i do feel like im making things up. but youll tell me im not, and that im not being selfish if thats what i remember. well apply your own advice, youre no differant.

i wanna say so much else but im in one of my 'i cant make sence' moods... sorry..

I know this is a really old post, but I just wanted to say that I understand some of what you are going through. I've always remembered some things about my childhood but never thought too much about it, never let myself think too much about it. But it's all starting to come up a lot and be very overwhelming and confussing. And one of my memories is of my mom putting medicine on me "down there" and having to go to the doctor about stuff "down there" a lot and about it hurting a lot. And some other really embarrassing things, but it doesn't make total sesne because I don't think my parents would do anything bad to me like that and I don't remember anyone ever touching me in a bad way or anything.

I hope things are going well for you. PM me if you ever want to talk.


-Mandy