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-   -   Virtual Psych ward! (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1312)

FlyingNy 01-08-2010 09:37 PM

No, but I am. I really am. I've been told I am. I feel like I am.

*Sits with April.* What's the matter?


Doikers 01-08-2010 09:43 PM

Oh Luke , what happened ? Are you okay? *Hugs*

Doikers 01-08-2010 10:02 PM

Oh Luke thats terrible . Could you complain to the Police complaints commission (sp?) . You won't go to prison for that though.
I'm sorry your depression is kicking in too :( *Hugs*

Scarletdreamer 01-08-2010 10:06 PM

*cuddles Lia* You're not dirty, hon. No matter how you feel or what people say. At least, to me, you're not. And you're not to most of the wardies either, I'll bet. I think that you're a sweet, kind, & lovely person, and that I've been blessed to get to know you. :) That's my honest opinion of you.

*huggles Luke* So sorry to hear that!! Sounds abso****inglutely ridiculous to me... like the police were being very very unreasonable. :( Is there any way that you can try to explain, or something? (Sorry, am very unknowledgeable about how the police work at all, in the States or the UK... so I apologize if that was a dense question...) I hope that you manage to keep your head above the water... wish I could help more. :( But I'm here if you need to talk to someone!! may not understand all of the ins & outs of the judiciary system but I can lend an ear (or an eye, as the case may be, hah).

*cuddles Mark* How're you, big bro?? Haven't had an update from you in a bit... sorry, am just worried about you since you said you've had suicidal thoughts etc. :(

*cuddles Hels* How're you doing now, sweetie??

Me, eh, I'm surviving I guess. :-X I don't really know what's wrong, but this is part of what I posted in my LJ:
"It feels kinda like I have been dragged through a wringer a few times... and then tossed on a shelf somewhere dusty and sad. I don't know. Does that even make sense? I am kinda okay, but kinda not, and am not quite sure how to determine what that "kinda not" really is all about. :-/ ..."

I don't even know what's wrong. Not really. And it's driving me crazy. :(

*hides in the warren again* :crying:

Doikers 01-08-2010 10:18 PM

Hey April , Today has been mainly okay , although I did read a post , get treiggered and cut :( maybe I cut before I read the post , sorry I'm a bit fuzzy as to the order of things. I was suicidal all week but at least not today thankfully , I can feel the depression coming back on for tommorow already , I'll fall asleep a bit low and wake up totally crap again , no huge scary Dr's appoinments though , I'm really waiting on my Lithium levels to find out if I can increase it , I'm making loads of typos so I have been correcting as I go , I hope this make sense , I'm not sure how safe I feel .......*Hugs April* thankyou for asking . I HOPE that the okay feeling comes tomorow but I my gut feeling tell me "no you'll feel awful" :(

MammaMia 01-08-2010 10:21 PM

*cuddles everyone*

Luke, I'm so sorry that's happened.
April, cuddles tight
Lia, you're not dirty, especially if it's not the reason I'm thinking of.

Well...my Dad phoned and asked me loads of stuff, but wasn't making me discuss particular things. I ended up emailing him (well it's his partners email), told him in basic detail what has happened. He's really upset and angry but least I know J will be with him and will look after him like I asked. Both told me I'm really brave and want to see me tomorrow. Dad really wants to give me a hug, bless him =[ Want one too, it's like when he first left and I used to cry every night wanting him and his hugs :'( He's upset and angry aswell, but not with me....

Scarletdreamer 01-08-2010 10:25 PM

You're welcome, both Mark & Luke. :) *cuddles*

Mark, please try & contact someone if you feel dangerously suicidal... I mean, like if you're planning on actually doing something. (To me, ALL suicidal feelings are dangerous, whether they are passive or not. Hope that makes sense!!) Oh and yes you did make sense... I hope that it wasn't one of my posts that triggered you and also hope that it wasn't too bad of a cut, please try & keep it clean/sanitary... I know you know that but wanted to remind in case you forgot. :) *gentle hugs* I'm here if you need to talk, just shoot me an email or message on FB or something.

Luke, I'm so sorry, that sounds like utter ****. :( Don't have much advice to give, as was evidenced by my last post, but hopefully you can get some legal advice etc. Maybe you will be able to get through by pleading not guilty... as I said before, really don't know about judiciary systems. :( Sorry.

*hides* :(

Scarletdreamer 01-08-2010 10:27 PM

Hels, hon, I'm so glad that it turned out as well as it did!! :) I bet you're upset and all right now, I would be too having to dredge all that up from your past etc., but well done!! I told you that you could do it. :D So very proud of you. <3 And I'm glad that your dad's not upset at you... don't see how he could be really but keep on hanging in there, and hopefully you'll get to see him soon & get a nice big bear hug. *gentle cuddles*

*spots Lia & glomps*

Scarletdreamer 01-08-2010 10:28 PM

Oh and this is a very relaxing song... it's a medieval chant (and is in Latin!!) and is somewhat religious but I'm sure that even those who aren't Christian here could probably appreciate the quality & skill of the Anonymous 4 singers. :) If you do object, please let me know & I'll remove it...

EDIT: also wanted to say that I listen to Anonymous 4 when I'm very anxious, they're good for helping me calm down. :) Just shut your eyes and try to relax to the song for a bit. Deep breaths, all of that.

Doikers 01-08-2010 10:37 PM

April , it was not one of your posts that got me triggered , it was in vets support butI forgot the name of it hmmm . Also thankyou I might e-mail you tomorow if I remember I said that , My whole head feels like fuzzed like I've OD'd but I haven't , ......great thats given me the idea , sorry I have to go to bed now .

Asleep is the safest plave you can be.

Go to bed before I S.I. again , sorry

FlyingNy 01-08-2010 11:12 PM

Hey all.

No Helen, that's not the reason. I can't explain. I just am.

I'm glad you're a little better today Mark and I really hope the depression doesn't come back for tomorrow. We're here to support you if it does though. :)

April- your song really is relaxing, it's lovely, but keeps being spoiled by the 'do du' of msn everytime I get a message. Do you have anymore like it? Thanks for sharing. And thank you for the things you said. I like to think I help people here, but I don't really seem to make much difference. I hope you're feeling a bit better now and the epic music helped to calm you. Did you ever go for that hike?

Helen- I'm glad things seem to be going well with your dad and his parnter and at least they know now so the telling them is over :) Really well done on getting through this, I completly freaked when it was me and cut and had a panic attack and refused to speak to my friend for weeks.


MammaMia 01-08-2010 11:46 PM


Originally Posted by Scarletdreamer (Post 2428625)
Hels, hon, I'm so glad that it turned out as well as it did!! :) I bet you're upset and all right now, I would be too having to dredge all that up from your past etc., but well done!! I told you that you could do it. :D So very proud of you. <3 And I'm glad that your dad's not upset at you... don't see how he could be really but keep on hanging in there, and hopefully you'll get to see him soon & get a nice big bear hug. *gentle cuddles*

Thank you April. I am upset and all, been crying for hours on/off. Still haven't stopped yet. I didn't tell them much really, just basic stuff..but gets the message across? Thank you for being proud. It's not fully sunk in yet that I've told. My bestie said it's probably shock. Yeah, seeing him & J tomorrow evening. *cuddles back*


Originally Posted by IceQueenHasAHeart (Post 2428710)
No Helen, that's not the reason. I can't explain. I just am.

Helen- I'm glad things seem to be going well with your dad and his parnter and at least they know now so the telling them is over :) Really well done on getting through this, I completly freaked when it was me and cut and had a panic attack and refused to speak to my friend for weeks.


Respect that you can't tell me, but you're really not honey.

Thanks Lia. I just keep crying and getting angry aswell :S So yeah...handling it safely. J at one point said they needed to know I was ok (think they've needed to know that all day to be honest) and I was honest and said to say I am, would be a lie, but I would be safe til I saw them tomorrow night...

frenchhorn 02-08-2010 12:09 AM

*hugs all*

Luke I'm really sorry that happened to you.

Mark I hope sleep helps, sorry you cut and as others have said keep it clean

Hels I'm really glad you dad isn't upset with you and yes like April said really brave to tell him so much, proud of you.

April-did you manage to get out for a hike today? also nice song, and I have no objection to music which has religious content, some sacred music is amazing, the requiems by Mozart and Britten, also do you know Allegri's Miserere, so beautiful.

I feel dead inside, been staring at the screen for the last few minutes, just nothing, don't know how I am meant to feel, but its not good, feel hurt in a way I guess, but don't know what to think.

MammaMia 02-08-2010 12:12 AM

Thanks Oliver, means a lot. Don't intend on telling anyone else in my family now. My mum knows (told her last April), my eldest sister, possibly two others of my sisters and that's pretty much it :S Nobody else needs to know....

*curls up*

Scarletdreamer 02-08-2010 12:48 AM

*cuddles Oliver & Hels* Oliver, what do you mean, how you "should" feel?? There is no "should" to feelings, except in some situations... and even then they can be flighty - they're feelings after all. Sorry if that seems rather blunt or offensive, just how I see it... I guess I just don't want you to feel like you "must" feel a certain way when whatever happens. If that makes sense? Anyway... what has happened? anything in particular that's making you not know how to feel, can you pinpoint it??

Hels, once again, must say, very proud of you. :) Well done. <3 Are you feeling any better now?? and I'm glad that you were honest with your dad & J. :)

To answer the question that several have asked me (okay, maybe two people, lol - but they still count!! :P) - nope, Jarrod & I did not get out for a walk today because it rained. Poop. I hate rain. But it did cool the air down some. Will be getting ready for bed shortly, which will be good... and then tomorrow comes & I've got to not ****ing sleep the day away... because I've got to clean, because God forbid, I've got company coming the next day and my parents will be horrified if they find out that I didn't clean up much. >_<

Sorry, end of rant. :(

I still don't really know how I'm feeling... funny. Tired, I guess. Probably, like Mark, the safest and best place for me right now is bed. Will be taking showers in a bit, as soon as I hang up my clothes to dry from doing laundry. Ugh. Hate doing that as I feel like I must be so finnicky in hanging them up precisely straight & all. Touch of OCD, heh. Stupid me.

*hides in a hole and cries some more*

frenchhorn 02-08-2010 12:58 AM

*hugs April* No that didn't sound blunt or offensive, your right, there is no should do how anyone should feel. I do know exactly whay it is, I shouldn't say, I want to in a way, but it involved me doing something I really shouldn't have done, **** I don't know

sorry you didn't get out for your hike, and cleaning sucks, my mum keeps looking at my room in such a disgusted way


Scarletdreamer 02-08-2010 01:04 AM

Aw, Oliver, don't say if you don't feel comfortable saying, but my PM box/FB inbox are always open. As are many other people's on here, I'm sure, who will support you. *hugs*

Oh and Lia, wanted to tell you to just search "Anonymous 4 chants" or something similar in YouTube, should pull up some good songs. Anonymous 4 is - believe it or not - the name of the group. :) It's 4 women who usually sing acapella... I was introduced to their music in my Women & Spirituality class last spring and fell in LOVE with it!! :D It is so calming... :)

*glomps Jess, Hels, Lia, and Kahlia, since I spy them!!*

MammaMia 02-08-2010 01:06 AM


Originally Posted by Scarletdreamer (Post 2428843)
Hels, once again, must say, very proud of you. :) Well done. <3 Are you feeling any better now?? and I'm glad that you were honest with your dad & J. :)

Thank you darling. I do feel a little better, think I've finally stopped crying...

FlyingNy 02-08-2010 01:59 AM

Hey. Glad you're feeling better Helen. :)

*Hugs April and Oliver* Sorry, way too tired for anything else right now.

Does anyone ever just want to cry, but physically can't?


misskitty112 02-08-2010 02:34 AM

Lia, all the time *hugs* I'm sorry you feel that way.

I miss my dad so much right now, I want to revert back to my childhood years and write a letter to him on a balloon, release it and hope it makes it to him in heaven. I know it won't though. I don't see why I would do that... I just want to talk to him so badly.

frenchhorn 02-08-2010 02:43 AM

*hugs Lia* yeah I know the feeling, wanting to cry but can't, its really horrible.

*hugs April* thanks, I feel ashamed of what I did, I shouldn't have done, but what I found out by doing it has made me feel hurt, but I'm not sure what is going on and I can't say anything to the person becaise then they will know what I have done. grrrr sorry I'm rambling ****, **** I just don't know what to do.

*hugs Hels* glad your feeling a little better

*hugs Felicia* I'm really sorry your missing your dad

Kahlia1981 02-08-2010 03:08 AM

Hello all. I'm sorry I haven't been around too much lately. Really I've just been dropping in to give quick hugs and a very self-centered update and that's about it. I've been a very bad ward-mate and I'm really sorry.

But there's something I wanted to let you all know about. I'm going to chuck it behind a HIDE because I know that suicide is a very touchy subject - don't worry I'm not talking about mine, I'm talking about a reactin to it - and I don't want to risk anyone, even though this is definitely in a positive sense.

Having said that the mere mention at the start won't be so positive, and I would rather protect you all, then risk someone getting triggered, because you guys mean so much to me. And no I am not just saying that. I may not be able to show it at times, but it's true.

Anyway, here goes. . .
The following content has been hidden - Reason : Ex-boyfriends suicide(s) (1997)/(1999) and residual feelings/dealing with it
Back in 1997 when I was in Grade 11 I was deeply into a romantic relationship with a young gentlement who, like me, had suffered through several years of various types of abuse. It was probably what brought us together (so to speak). You know, someone to undersand. Anyway, one day he killed himself ... and I found him. Not a most pleasant sight.

The first thing I did was try to clean up the mess. Sort of a cross between a "if I can clean it up it never happened" mindset, but also a "I can't deal with this, so let's deal with what I can deal with" mindset.

Anyway, time and grief moved on to make it to the 2 years mark and then his best friend - who was also my best friend - did exactly the same thing. Not only that, but it was on exactly the same day of the year. The first of August.

Nortoriously August first has been difficult for me. I've struggled with the will to live, constantly making repeated su attempts because I didn't know how else to deal with the pain and heartache.

Then something happened. I don't know if it was just time, or perhaps the realisation that no matter what I did I couldn't have changed anything, but it got easier.
The reason that I bring this up? Yesterday was the "dreaded" August 1st and although I feel hurt and some pain, I felt no desire to do anything dangerous. It's the first time since these "incidents" happened. I feel a little uneasy about - but I guess that would be normal considering I have had these feelings and urges/sensations for so long. But still ... a major improvement.

Maybe things can get better with time?

frenchhorn 02-08-2010 03:27 AM

*hugs Kahlia* I'm sorry to hear your story, but I'm glad to hear things are getting a little easier and I'm glad youu felt no desire to do anything dangerous.

I've updated my rv thread, which explains why I feel hurt and angry. sorry I swear a lot in it, just to warn people, shouldn't be any triggers.

FlyingNy 02-08-2010 08:58 AM

Morning wardies. Why I'm up before noon I'll never know. Sleep just seems like such a waste of time.

How's everyone this morning?


Doikers 02-08-2010 10:35 AM

Kahlia *Hugs* I'm sorry about your friends but am glad you didn't feel the urge to do anything dangerous yesterday.

*Hugs everyone else*

Lia , you are up EARLY heh.

Doikers 02-08-2010 10:43 AM

*Spots Helen and Hugs* How are you this morning? I'm glad it went ok okay with your Dad and his partner :)

Doikers 02-08-2010 10:55 AM

*hugs Oliver* I read your R/V thread, I think that was very unfair of him , I can understand how you would feel angry :( sorry I don't have a ton of help to offer :S

Scarletdreamer 02-08-2010 11:31 AM

Good morning, everyone. :)

Oliver, I'll try & read your r/v in a bit, once I'm done typing here. *hugs gently*

Mark, how're you? *cuddles* Hope you slept okay last night.

Hels, how're you doing this morning? Glad you managed to stop crying, but remember, crying's okay. Gets annoying being a "tear fountain" - I know, heh, been one lately - but it's better than doing something unhealthy. *cuddles gently*

Lia, how're you, hon? *hugs*

Kahlia, so sorry to hear your story - what a lot of heartache!! - but I'm SO GLAD that you managed to get through 1 August without feeling any urges!! That is so fantastic. Yes, with time things can get better. :) Cliché but true, I think. *cuddles*

Felicia, so sorry you're missing your dad right now. :( *huggles* If you need to talk any one of us are here, ready to listen. Hang in there, love.

I'm exhausted & I just got up!! (something's wrong with this picture) >_< Well, okay, half an hour ago, but I'm yawning like I haven't slept in DAYS. Ugh. Hate being so fatigued & sleepy all of the time. :(

One day's dose of Tegretol left. Then... nothing. Can't cut it in half or else I would (it's a capsule not a tablet)... grrrr. I hope that the meds come in the mail either today or tomorrow!! :-/ I'm kinda scared to go off it even though I have been tapering down... stupid stupid me. >_<

*curls up next to Mark & dozes for awhile* :(

MammaMia 02-08-2010 11:34 AM

I'm low and exhausted. Already had texts off them both and a phone call from my Dad. Only this popular because of that text & email :/ Trying not to be nervous about seeing them later argh :S

*cuddles everyone*

EDIT: April, yes better be a tear fountain than doing something bad....

Doikers 02-08-2010 12:01 PM

April, It took an age to get to sleep last night but once I was asleep I slept okay:) Today I'm not Okay , not as bad as I thought I would be but I feel NUMB , that is the absense of most feelings exept being low from time to time . Hmmm . I doubt I'll get through the day S.I. free but I'll try to.
I hope your meds come soon . Thats not a nice position to be in waiting on meds.

*Puts blanket on April as she dozes next to me*

wolfos3d 02-08-2010 12:19 PM

*waves at peoples and curls up*

Doikers 02-08-2010 12:33 PM

*Waves to Jessica* how are you today ?

Cherry Tree 02-08-2010 12:36 PM

Hi all.
How is everyone? I look new but I was here a while ago.
I'm feeling very lonely and disgusting. I'm trying to fight the urges to binge and purge. Can I hide in here?

Doikers 02-08-2010 12:38 PM

Hi Emma , of course you can hide in here *Hugs if ok*

wolfos3d 02-08-2010 12:39 PM

A little better then I have been. A couple of friends helped me study on my break today. It's nice to feel like I actually got something accomplished for once. Pretty urgy on the SI side of things, and I didn't manage to get up in time to hand over my blades on Saturday which means I have them until my appointment on Thursday. I know I will have a hard time explaining myself if I use them.

Sorry I haven't been very responsive to anyone. I'm still a bit of a mess.

Emma: Of course you can. :)

Cherry Tree 02-08-2010 12:40 PM

Thank you :)
how are you? x

Scarletdreamer 02-08-2010 01:16 PM

Hey Emma, just wondering, what was your previous screenname? :) Just so I know who I'm talking to, hehe.

Hels, hope the chat with your dad & J goes okay later today (right? it is today?). *cuddles*

*cuddles Mark* Thanks for the blanket. :) It was appreciated, hehe. I hope you manage to get through the day without SI'ing, and even if you don't, the day will come when you will be able to. <3 I know it will. The same goes for all of you. Also, am glad that you slept okay once you got to sleep. :)

*cuddles Jess* It's okay that you're not up to individuals right now; it's also okay to be a bit of a mess sometimes. Trust me on that one, lol. Too much experience here. :P Anyway... I hope that you manage to stay SI-free today too... you've been doing so well lately!!

*glomps Oliver as I spy him!!*

So tiiiired. :(

MammaMia 02-08-2010 01:32 PM

It is today yes, less than 6 hours to go >_> I have such a bad headache at the moment. I feel even more rough. Fun times. I'm going to go shower and then have some lunch me thinks!!! I'm really exhausted. Fun times.

wolfos3d 02-08-2010 01:56 PM

*cuddles April* Thanks. I have been doing pretty well. It's only happened once since I started seeing my doctor about stuffs.

*hugs Hels* I hope it goes alright.

*huggles for Mark* Sorry I forgot your hugs before. :)

Sleepy time for me now. :) I plan to actually make it to my first class tomorrow. Today was a bit of a fail for that.

PoisonedApple 02-08-2010 04:54 PM

*finds place on the floor*
*flops down*
...sorry too many pages...
*hugs everyone*

misskitty112 02-08-2010 05:07 PM

*Hugs Jessica* Hope you sleep well.

*Hugs Hels* Hope everything goes well.

April, I hope your meds come in speedily. I'm waiting on mine too, and only have two left.... It's making me a nervous wreck *hugs*

Hey Emma, I'm Felicia. I wasn't around back when you were probably, so just introducing myself =)

*Hugs Mark* I hope you get through the day SI free, but even if you don't, April's right, the day will come =).

*Hugs Crimson* You posted whilst I was making my super long post. It's alright if you can't reply, things are moving fast.

As for me, another one of my forums wants me gone cause apparently mentioning that I was caught purging and was actually glad cause now my friend is helping me research treatment options is triggering. I try not to trigger people there...
But that's not a huge worry, cause I'm so tired and have so much to do but so little motivation.
And for a positive note, my Tori Amos CD I got off of ebay came in! Yayyy!

Doikers 02-08-2010 05:15 PM

*Hugs Felicia * I LOVE Tori Amos , what CD did you get ?

*Hugs Crimson*It moves fast in here sometimes , it can be hard to keep up.

*Hugs Jessica* Don;t worry , its busy in here.

*Hugs Helen*

*Hugs April*

I've semi-slept through most of the afternoon , hmmm I hope I sleep tonight.

FlyingNy 02-08-2010 05:16 PM

Hey all.

How are you Crimson? Haven't seen you here in a while.

I'm happy for once :) I like being happy, but it's kinda scary too because there might be a come down, but never mind that for now.

Ouch. Lol, I just got off the bed and promptly tripped over a cereal packet. What's it even doing there?


misskitty112 02-08-2010 05:24 PM

Mark, I got From the Choirgirl Hotel in today, but I have a few others being shipped to me. I just recently discovered Tori Amos, thanks to my Pandora radio telling me since I like Fiona Apple, I may like Tori Amos too. haha.

PoisonedApple 02-08-2010 05:43 PM


How are you Crimson? Haven't seen you here in a while.
Hmmm... been better, been worse... I have a friend finishing up reading over my essays (journalism major now so she's fixing everything lol)
I've established that when I feel crap being at work really amps up my anxiety all by itself no little extra push necessary... I didn't really notice before since I'm usually not really un-anxious at home either (unless the in-laws are gone) but I got relaxed this weekend after spending most of yesterday in the kitchen... made muffins, cookies, yogurt, etc yesterday and aim to make spaghetti noodles today if i get the time. Maybe I should rethink my career goals... i used to want my own restaurant but thought it'd be too hard to get up and running but i do feel much better after some time in the kitchen... it may just be my mind wandering though since i've only had 6 hours or so sleep the last 48 hours...

hmmm realized i forgot to reply in part... i've been around (all but the weekend) just been lurking more than posting...

Doikers 02-08-2010 05:50 PM

Felicia , whats a pandora Radio? I've heard of Fiona Apple but don't know any of her songs .

Oh Crimson , you need sleep! Hands a blanket over for you to snuggle under :)

FlyingNy 02-08-2010 06:02 PM

Still happyish, just have a question.

Is it possible to push things out forever? Or do they come back eventually with a vengence?

There are things that are too painful for me to think about, things I push out because if I allowed myself to think, I would break. But I don't know if I can do that forever and I can't handle it.

misskitty112 02-08-2010 06:14 PM

Mark, Pandora Radio is an online radio thing where you make stations based on your favorite artists, and it'll pick similar artists and play them too. I have it on my ipod touch it's pretty cool.

Lia, in my experience, it always comes back with a vengence.

Doikers 02-08-2010 06:25 PM

Thanks for the link Felicia :)

Lia , I'm afraid I agree with Felicia , things have a habit of coming back if you push them out for too long. perhaps you could deal with them little by little ? sorry

FlyingNy 02-08-2010 06:30 PM

Oh woopy do da. Still, it's not brought me right down. Still a little happy, only not as much as before. I'll get over it. Pushing stuff out has worked for years. I've had the same thing shoved to th back of my mind for months. It can stay there until it's easier to deal with. Only I have a feeling I'm not going to get a say in the matter.


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