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MammaMia 04-04-2010 05:59 PM

*cuddles you both lots*

SoMuchMore 04-04-2010 06:15 PM

*hugs helen, april, nicole, kahlia, mark, and lindsay*

Sorry if i missed anyone.

*sit alone in dark corner*

MammaMia 04-04-2010 06:42 PM

*sits with Laura and hugs her*

Scarletdreamer 04-04-2010 08:53 PM

*cuddles everyone lots*

Laura, what's up, sweetie?

Hels, what's going on?

Just got up from a quick half-hour nap... urgh. I just want to go back to sleep. :( Feel like **** and don't want tomorrow to be here so quickly.

But, to work on my senior sem paper. Don't worry, I'll be hanging about and posting when I take breaks. :)

*more cuddles*

MammaMia 04-04-2010 09:18 PM

I don't know where to begin.
How to explain.
But I do know that all this **** is too much to cope with.
I have no choice to cope somehow :'(

Scarletdreamer 04-04-2010 09:31 PM

You can cope... you'll be able to make it through, love. *gentle cuddles*

I'm fighting with this damn paper... :( I am supposed to have come up with some ADAPTIVE coping mechanisms for suicidal ideation and there is VERY VERY LITTLE literature on that... so yeah. :-/ I'm relying on using therapy as the main adaptive coping mechanism, and going into depth with that in my paper. Gahh, how I ****ing HATE this topic!!!! :crying: It's so hard... and my brain isn't working... and my husband is on WoW and I want to be as well. :(

*hides in a dark corner with her PC and stack of books and articles for her paper* :(

MammaMia 04-04-2010 09:34 PM

*cddles April* You can do this sweet, keep at it, soon be over :(

Scarletdreamer 04-04-2010 09:35 PM

*curls up next to Helen* I wish it would be... I am going to feel like such an idiot, handing in such a ****ing awful paper tomorrow... I mean, I'm not a bad writer per se, but writing under pressure just does NOT work well for me. I did start the paper sooner, but I couldn't keep up. I don't know. :(

*hides back in her corner* :crying:

MammaMia 04-04-2010 09:38 PM

I'm sure it'll get a good grade. Don't be so harsh on yourself. *curls with you and carries on crying*

SoMuchMore 04-04-2010 09:42 PM

*cuddles helen* you can make it through this. Hang in there hun.

*hugs april* Im sorry you are having such a hard time on ur paper. I hate when my brain doesnt let me do my hw very well.. it sucks.

I am not doing well at all. I don't see the point in staying where I am anymore. In the past few weeks my whole life took a turn that i never thought it would... idk how to deal... So i am doing my usual put on the happy face and pretend like everything is super fantastic, nothing bothers me... I even told some ppl that i've been in worse situations than i am in right now so dont worry i can deal... I think thats a lie... Although, maybe not.. idk... either way I am not handling life very well. *hides*

MammaMia 04-04-2010 09:58 PM

*cuddles Laura* Sorry it's not more.

SoMuchMore 04-04-2010 10:10 PM

*cuddles within helen* its okay hun.. i know that you are having a really hard time right now. We can both make it through our lives.. right? i mean.. we have to

Scarletdreamer 04-04-2010 10:21 PM

*cuddles both of you*

Laura, love, is there anyone with whom you can talk and be REAL? Like a uni therapist or something, I don't know. (Sorry, I forget if you're seeing someone or are against the idea.) I know that being real with just one person, even if it's someone that you only see once a week or whatever, can really help you manage to keep up the mask. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe that masks are GOOD things to keep up, but... sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do, you know? *holds gently* What all is going on? "just" the stuff with your ex? or is there more? ♥

Hels, you WILL make it through... you, LauraStar, LauraFriend, Joc, Mark, Nicole, Kahlia, anyone else I'm missing... you will all make it through. Just keep fighting... you can make it...


I feel like **** still. I just want to die... I honestly don't think that I can get this paper done by tomorrow... although I have several hours tomorrow morning after my SW appt that I can work on it, I'd really rather have it done by tonight. Which is NOT realistic. :crying:

I HATE MYSELF.

SoMuchMore 04-04-2010 10:31 PM

*hugs april* I hope your paper gets done. Good luck with it. I'm sure you will get done in time.

And for your questions...

I am pretty much real with one of my friends... but i dont get to see him very often... And no im not seeing a therapist or anything... ive had some very bad experiences with counselors in the past.. so unless i get to emergency status, i dont think i am going to go back.

It is mostly stuff involving my ex... but not just with him... A TON of people are involved in it and I feel like i am being pulled in 50 billion directions... 1 of my friends is suicidal over the whole thing (her ex-girlfriend was the one my ex cheated with.. athough she has known about it for like 3 months.. and i just found out a little over a week ago) and she ALWAYS wants to talk about the details of the break ups and cheating and i just dont want to talk about it all the time. Plus she keeps saying things to other people like, "well once everyone knows people are only going to care about laura." which just makes me kinda feel bad. I mean, shouldnt people be able to care about both of us? And that is just one example of how people are involved... it would be a very long post if i went into all of it... Its just stupid... I feel replaceable and unnecessary.

MammaMia 04-04-2010 10:40 PM

*cuddles you both so much*

Wish I could believe I'm going to get through this :(

Scarletdreamer 04-04-2010 10:47 PM

*cuddles Laura* I'm sorry for all of the b.s. with your ex... and the stuff with your one best friend... that is really awful. :( I wish I could do something to help you... but I'm here if you need to talk, my PM inbox is ALWAYS open... to all of you. :) And keep posting here... support, even online, is invaluable. I'm glad that you have someone IRL that you can talk with, even if it's infrequently. *cuddles more*

*holds Hels, rocking back and forth with her* You'll be okay, love... please try to believe that. I know, hypocritical of me, but... :-X Maybe I should just shut up, I don't know. Is there anything you can do that will distract you right now, so you don't SI or anything? ♥

Supper's being gotten ready... don't want to eat... but I know I have to... and my brain is totally fried, can't think anymore... am still on page 5 of my paper... it's going to be total **** when I turn it in. :(

*hides in shame* :crying:

Scarletdreamer 04-04-2010 10:48 PM

Oh, and I updated my r/v thread... again...

I am such an epic fail.

:crying:

MammaMia 04-04-2010 10:55 PM

Don't shut up. Please don't shut up? :'( You're not an epic failure sweetheart. I promise you. It's good that you're healthily expressing emotions/thoughts/whatever =) I update my rant thread all the time. Quite pathetic. I haven't cut in over a month. Threw all my blades out. Wish I had some. I want to cut to be quite honest. Could find another way of cutting, but managed not to so far :)

Scarletdreamer 04-04-2010 11:09 PM

*cuddles up next to Helen with a fun book and a fleece blanket and her stuffed ape* I just feel so... stupid. I don't know. I'm not really expressing emotions, not IRL anyway, I don't know. I'm just sat here with a tense back and a sad look on my face, wanting to cut so badly, but not doing anything to make me feel any better. :( The paper isn't going to write itself and I've been struggling with it so much... I NEED to cut... and I didn't throw out my tools... :crying:

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.............

MammaMia 04-04-2010 11:20 PM

Don't be sorry sweetie. Try not to cut. You're putting so much pressure on yourself & it's not needed. *cuddles you*

Scarletdreamer 04-04-2010 11:30 PM

*cuddles back* But I feel like it IS needed... or else I won't fulfill my potential, whatever the **** that means... :crying: I feel so awful. And I can't cut because Jarrod's home, but I can SI in other ways... and probably will end up doing so... I don't know. I feel so stupid.

I hate myself so much.

I'm sorry.

Kahlia1981 04-04-2010 11:36 PM

*hugs all*

I'm sorry you are all struggling right now. You are all in my thoughts. I'm not able to reply to you all individually - partly because of the 2.5 pages of posts that have occurred since I was in here yesterday and also because right now I just don't have the words to say.

My sister picked me up and took me over to my parents place yesterday to coincide with my parents arrival ... well not quite coincide. I stayed with the parentals and helped them unpack (the van) and organise some stuff, and made them coffee et cetera just to help out. We had dinner at my sisters place. Then my brother drove me home as he had to drop the kids off to their mother. It was a very crazy and, above all, very loud night.

It raised a lot of emotions that I don't really know how to deal with at the moment. I'm definitely feeling a little fragile. *sigh* And right before we leave to go on holiday. Oh well ... hopefully things will improve shortly .. after all (group chant!!!) it can't rain all the time.

*hugs everyone then gets into the packing and cleaning and so forth*

MammaMia 04-04-2010 11:37 PM

Oh sweetheart. Please try to take care of yourself. Please :( I know you hate yourself. But I don't hate you. I love you. I care so much about you. You're a really good friend of mine *cuddles tight*

MammaMia 04-04-2010 11:37 PM

*cuddles Kahlia lots*

Scarletdreamer 04-04-2010 11:47 PM

*cuddles Helen back* I'm so sorry for being such a burden tonight... :( How are you feeling? any better?

*cuddles Kahlia* I'm sorry that it was loud and that you're feeling fragile... I understand, though, I think. Somewhat, anyway. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day - or today, can never get that straight!! Take some time for yourself and just relax, watch a favorite DVD or listen to your favorite music and take a hot bath.

Just want to give up...
The following content has been hidden - Reason : pic of me, scars visible, big pic




Me today...

Just when I was feeling pretty... I had to feel like **** again due to some other photos. :(

Scarletdreamer 05-04-2010 12:03 AM

Sorry if the pic seemed self-absorbed...

:crying:

Sorry, so sorry, for everything...

MammaMia 05-04-2010 12:03 AM

LOVE that photo a beautiful stunning lady <3 Will post a picture of myself maybe...

You're not a burden sweet and no I don't feel better. Least I'm not crying whilst being on webcam I suposse??

No need to apologise for anything darling =(

MammaMia 05-04-2010 12:23 AM

& the tears are falling again.
**** this.
**** eating disorders.
:'( :'(

Scarletdreamer 05-04-2010 12:38 AM

I agree, **** EDs!!! They are awful. :(

*holds Helen* Yeh, post a pic of you!! I want to see what my close friend looks like. :D I get everyone all mixed up in the picture area, as there are so many people I don't know... so sorry if I've seen a pic of you before and have forgotten. :) I am sure that you are gorgeous. And I'm not gorgeous, definitely not :( but thank you for the compliment. *cuddles up next to*

Just took a bath by candlelight - hubby's idea. It was lovely although I was too stressed out by my paper to enjoy it (still stuck on page five, not gonna make any more progress tonight I think...). :(

*hides again in shame*

MammaMia 05-04-2010 12:41 AM

*cuddles upto*

You are welcome for the compliment. But it's so true. Definately **** ed's. It's causing/ed a huge row between me & one of my best friends. I'm not angry at her as such...*sighs*

Bath sounds lovely, I can't take baths, I do naughty things in them. Wow that sounded dirty LOL. I prefer showers, need to have one really.

I will take a picture, although I look like ***** =) Don't think I've shown you any pictures of me :p Would copy & paste one that was taken last weekend, but I look awful and/or fat in all of them..:(

MammaMia 05-04-2010 12:44 AM

I'll take a better picture tomorrow, but for now...=P

The following content has been hidden - Reason : UGLY BITCH

Scarletdreamer 05-04-2010 12:48 AM

*wraps arms around and gives a gentle squeeze* I think you just think you are fat in the pictures... I'm sure you're not really. Not as bad as you think you are. No one ever is. I think I'm horrendously fat... but I know that I'm not, although am a bit overweight. :-X But anyway, EDs are awful, have caused rows between me and my husband before.

Lol, it did sound dirty, what you said about baths. :P I prefer showers too but late at night (well, okay, it's only 7:45pm here) the apartment complex's water goes nuts and very unpredictable with showers as so many people are turning the water off and on. So I take baths if it's lateish. :) I smell yummy too.

Do take a picture :D I want to see... and I bet you don't look like ****, although maybe a bit haggard from being so low for so long. I know that I don't look that great...

*cuddles all*

Scarletdreamer 05-04-2010 12:49 AM

Awh, you do look haggard - but NOT an ugly bitch, love. You're pretty. :) *hugs gently* And not fat either.

I think it's time for bed for me. My contacts are gluey and I'm exhausted. :(

MammaMia 05-04-2010 12:55 AM

*gives a huge squeeze* Thank yo darling. I am fat, but nobody really agrees with me hmm. You're not fat at all darling. You're nice & curvy <3 Curves are very sexy. ED's are a bitch for causing rows :(

Bless you, sounds random ;) I seriously didn't mean what I said about baths in a dirty way. For once. I promise. It's just I tend to attempt suicide everytime I take one. Bad Hells =(

You were right, I do look haggard, not that I really know what that means. Tired? You do look great sweetie.

I am ugly&&fat. People have been calling me ugly for over 10 years, so must be true :'( Somedays I feel pretty, but used to get shot down for it. So don't even bother. But I still seem to be a camera whore ;) Not as much I used to be. *hugs again*

Sleep well beautiful if you go to bed. I'm going to bed soon too, to watch tv, read & sleep. I'm so fed up of being awake now :'(

*cuddles all*

SoMuchMore 05-04-2010 01:52 AM

*cuddles april and helen* neither one of you are ugly. You both are beautiful inside and out. Hope that you guys get some sleep. I <3 both of u.

*hugs kahlia* i hope that your packing goes well and that you feel less fragile soon. Sometimes when things are loud it is really hard. I have that problem around my family too sometimes.

Im trying really hard to not disappear like i want to... This situation just sucks.

Doikers 05-04-2010 10:54 AM

*Hugs group*
You guys all look very pretty , I'd post a pic of me if only I could work out how :s I'm dense about that.I don't look good , overweight , scarred and generally ugly . I'll try and post a photo of me when I'm back at my flat .Sorry this post turned into a self involved one.

Scarletdreamer 05-04-2010 11:17 AM

Good morning, everyone!! :)

(No, I'm not really in a chipper mood. I just decided to try one on for size and see how it felt... which isn't that great.)

*cuddles Hels* Haggard = dishevelled, basically the effects of being exhausted and sad and worn down for a long period of time. Make sense? How're you doing today? any better? & you ARE pretty!! :) I'm glad that you feel/felt that way sometimes... maybe try and recreate those feelings sometime?

Awh, I can understand that about baths... they can be very seductive, if that makes any sense... I kind of have the same urges but Jarrod usually keeps me company in the bathroom whilst we're taking showers/baths so no opportunity there. :P (sorry if that was WTMI... lol)

Oh, and I hate my curves!! They suck beyond all belief. :( I wish I were a beanpole... like my best friend (*growls* lol... sore point there). Aaanyway... EDs suck and are horrid and they should just up and GO TO HELL!!! :(

*cuddles Laura* Are you feeling any better today? Please don't disappear... things will get better, it just takes time. *more cuddles* Sorry that I don't have better words of advice, but that's the best that I can offer...

*cuddles Mark* I bet you don't look as bad as you think you do... and to upload a photo you need to use something like photobucket.com to upload it to, then link it to here. :)

I has a snuggly kitty in my lap - he's kneading my pecs, lol, with his paws, like next to my shoulder - anyone want kitty snuggles? He's clawless!! so no scratches. :)

I really am worries about this paper... it's not writing itself, damn it. And I don't have enough energy to do it... but I'm going to have to. I'm scared... :crying: I need to get it done somehow... by 2:30 today, at that. :(

I see my SW this morning... am worried. Dunno what we'll talk about.

*hides*

Doikers 05-04-2010 11:39 AM

Gets first in line for kitty snuggles :)
Good luck with your paper April ( not that you need it ) and with your SW too, and Thanx for the instructions about photobucket , I'll give it a bash soon *hugs April*

Scarletdreamer 05-04-2010 11:44 AM

*hands Daniel over to Mark... Daniel immediately snuggles up and starts kneading Mark's shoulder and looking completely satisfied* :)

How're you doing today, Mark? *hugs back* And I do totally need luck with my paper!! Lol. I think it's well written so far, but I'm worried that I won't be able to get enough written to make it good enough to get a good grade... really really scared actually. :-S I'm working on it now despite the urge to cut or go on WoW... tomorrow if I get it done today I'll be able to go on. It's only 6:45am now though... AHHH!!!! I'll have to leave for my appt shortly and I'm not even dressed... heh. :-S

I feel like ****. I really, really do. :(

*hides in the darkest corner possible to find in the ward*

Scarletdreamer 05-04-2010 12:16 PM

ARGH I am so anxious... and I really don't want to eat any breakfast, but I know I'll get shaky/cranky if I don't... so scared about my SW appt even though I don't think I need to be. I don't know. :crying:

Just want to hide away for a long time. So sick of this ****. So over it. Don't want to think about my senior sem paper, wreck that it is, anymore... just want to die. :crying:

Sorry, so sorry, sorry...

MammaMia 05-04-2010 02:19 PM

*cuddles Laura, April & Mark*

April, I guess I understand now. I'm bit dumb :) I've had too much sleep. Opps. But I don't really feel much better. Still worrying about two people pretty much non-stop :( Plus all the struggling. I don't think I even care anymore?? I'm not pretty :)

I'm glad you can understand about baths. I'm sure most people can. It did make sense about them being very seductive. Glad Jarrod keeps you company thus keeping you safe :)

You should love your curves :( They don't suck beyond all belief. I promise. ED's definitely should go to hell & stay there!!!!!!!

Hope you're making progress with the paper now & SW appointment wasn't too bad :(

*cuddles Laura* Are you feeling any better? Please don't disappear... things will get better, it just takes time. Just like April said. *more cuddles*

*cuddles Mark* I bet you don't look as bad as you think you do...

*cuddles everyone lots and lots*

Scarletdreamer 05-04-2010 04:29 PM

You ARE pretty... but I won't argue the point because I know that ED won't give up. ;) How are you doing now? don't even care anymore about what? *hugs tightly* You'll be okay, love, I promise. Just keep fighting... you can do it. I have faith in you, and so do a lot of people. ♥

I hate my curves. Wish they would go to hell too. I hate looking like a woman instead of a girl. :( If that makes any sense.

Got 10 pages on my paper done... am taking a break now. >_< My brain is totally fried and I'm trying to figure out if my paper is cohesive, etc., or if it's just a jumble like it feels it is!! I hate doing stuff last minute, definitely not for me... I tried to do it over the weekend, though, and no go there... not really anyway. Maybe because Jarrod was around distracting me? Just his being around is distracting because I want to spend time with him, just time, not even intimate time... does that make any sense? I don't feel like I'm making any sense whatsoever!! :o

My SW appt went okay... she wanted to talk about the abuse that happened in high school.. and I didn't, it made me more anxious, so I really felt/feel like SI'ing now. :( But I forgot my tools, so yeah.

I'm so tired...

*hides* :crying:

Scarletdreamer 05-04-2010 04:45 PM

Updated my r/v thread... again... I write in it a lot, I guess... dunno if that's healthy or not.

I wish that I could talk with someone. I'm at tutoring now, kind of working on my paper, and I'm all alone. :( I just want my best friend to text me back... no word from her since last Wednesday. I hope I didn't make her angry, can't think of anything that I said/did that would've made her angry, so I hope she's okay. :( :( :(

Feel like ****...

MammaMia 05-04-2010 05:08 PM

I'm not pretty. But I should stop trying to argue the point. What ED?? I'm still struggling. I'm incredibly worried about both of my best friends. Particularly the one I had a row with. She was texting last night, well this morning, when she went offline. Said about feeling dizzy, getting worse and something like feeling like this before her last fit. Or something like that, I may have read it wrong. So I told her to go wake her Granddad up, so if she did have one, he could get her help if necessary. However I've texted her twice more and no replies to the three texts. So I think she's had one or more and is back in hospital again. I really don't know :'( Normally her aunt would text me but she's in hospital herself still I believe so can't.

Am worried about my other best friend because she's really low at the moment. I think she may be going through one of her breakdowns. I hope not. I'm just hoping it's a result of everything that's happened recently & her being ill. Then will be okay in a couple of days or so. But somehow, I don't think that's going to be the case :'( However not TOO worried as I know her husband will be keeping an eye. Wasn't going to text her again today, to avoid making it worse, or whatever but I just gave in and texted :( She texted me last night, after ignoring my texts (understandable) saying she was going to bed & would try to text tomorrow. Hmm :( Maybe I shouldn't have texted???

I'm still struggling but not really feeling it right now, which is good I guess? Still waiting for my sisters to see my email. None of them have read it still I think. One may have seen it, but not read it?

*hugs tightly back* I wish I could believe that I'll be okay. I really can't at the moment. Don't know why since I always am? I don't know why people have so much faith in me for.

Wish you didn't hate your curves :( Why do you?? I can understand hating looking like a woman instead of a girl. If it's what I'm thinking of anyway or similar to...

Yay for getting 10 pages on your paper done. You should be proud. Taking breaks are good. I'm not surprised that your brain is feeling totally fried :( I'm sure your paper is more cohesive than you realise :) Maybe get someone else to look at it?? Think most people hate doing things at last minute ;(

I'm glad you've forgotten your tools and can't SI. *squishes lots*

Writing lots in your R/V thread is good. Just hope it helps you to do so? :)

*waves to Laura*

MammaMia 05-04-2010 05:47 PM

Well they've both text me. Both told me not to worry. Hahahaha. One said more than that though.

But I can't help it & am rightfully worried. If that even makes sense. I feel like crying to be honest.

:'( :'(

nicole94 05-04-2010 05:59 PM

*hugs helen* sorry hun, not got much to say :( but, *big big hugs*

MammaMia 05-04-2010 06:10 PM

*hugs Nicole* How you doing?

I just got a job interview :O :D

Doikers 05-04-2010 06:18 PM

*hugs April* 10 Pages is great , you are doing really well . I think writing in a R/V thread could be really healthy I was going to gather opinion from you guys who do it to try and figure out if I should start one , I feel I need an outlet sometimes .
*hugs Nicole* How are you ?
*Hugs Helen* A Job interview! Good for you.thats great news:) what sort of job is it for ?

Scarletdreamer 05-04-2010 06:19 PM

I spy a Mark!! :D *cuddles*

Hels, love, you are pretty... and I thought that you said that you had trouble with food? maybe not a "real" ED but still... anyway, sorry if I got that wrong. :-X But you're pretty anyway. :P And there I stand. Hehe.

Yey for a job interview, where and for what job?

I'm sorry that you're so worried about your friends... I wish I could be there for you IRL but I can't... :( If I could I think we would have fun together... hehe. :D It would be awesome if the "RYL psych ward" group could meet up somewhere... maybe someday when we're all rich & can travel!! lol. :P

I got my paper as done as it's going to be - 13 pages including references and an unwritten abstract. It's going to be longer once I analyze some case studies... just didn't have the time (or the ****ing ENERGY) to do it this time. But I'm happy that I managed to get it done... even if it was only an hour and a half before classtime!!

I'm glad that you're not really feeling that you're struggling... guess that's good? dunno... I kinda feel the same way, I don't know. I've been mussing about with a SI area on my hand, so it's all red and irritated now... *sigh* Was doing it in my SW appt and she noticed, of course... we talked about what hospitals there were that I might go to were I to go to one... and that got me really anxious. :( I really want to SI right now... but I guess I'm glad that I left my tools at home. I don't know, I really don't. :(

*cuddles Nicole* How're you doing, love?

*hides*

Scarletdreamer 05-04-2010 06:21 PM

Mark, I think you should start an r/v thread... they are good, at least for me... although it can be all too easy to just use them as a place to put yourself down. I've mostly stopped that though, at least intentionally. Am NOT saying that you whinge too much as is in here, just that an r/v thread is a good place when no one is on to talk to you. Hope that made sense!! :-S *curls up next to*

Man, am I tired... :(


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