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*cuddles everyone and hides in denial tent*
Can't cope with this on my own. |
I bandaged the cut... it's in a bad place and I'm scared that people will get angry with/concerned about me if they find out... especially my parents as they have no idea that anything "bad" is going on right now.
Am so ****ing anxious... hate it. *cuddles LauraStar* What's up, sweetie? *cuddles Hels* Maybe that makes you feel not quite so alone? ♥ I spy you!!! :D |
We must have been typing at the same time
*cuddles* Glad you've bandaged it up sweetheart. People being concerned is just them caring about you sweetie? *snuggles* |
I don't want people to be concerned about me... at least, not my parents... but at the same time, I do. I know I don't make any sense... :(
How are you, love? *snuggles* The SW I saw today thinks that maybe being so active online is detrimental to my socializing IRL. I don't know. She thinks that I need to seek out, as I put it, "real people" (lol, sorry for that) and hang out with them... not that she doesn't think that it's good I'm getting support from you all. So I don't know what to think about that. :-/ |
Oh and Mark, NP = nurse practitioner. She gives me my meds. (BWAHAHA!!!)
How's everyone tonight?? |
It made sense sweetheart. I get like that...*cuddles*
I'm not good. I'm really tired, so tired that my body is tired & aching. But alas, I cannot get back to sleep. I fell asleep watching tv.... Plus a load more **** has hit the fan. I can't cope as it is, without anymore. ****ing hell man. Can I just die now pls? :/ |
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFXFfMF5hic[/ame]
*huggles Helen* I'm sorry about the more **** hitting the fan... I understand... don't know exactly what's going on with you but I understand the feelings at least. I'm exhausted... time for bed soon but not yet as we just ate supper & I get panicky if I lie down with a full stomach when I'm like this. I HATE ME... and a friend told me that I DON'T have a plan to kill myself, which made me feel kind of like I'm not really being taken seriously. If that makes sense. I'm sorry, my thoughts are all disjointed tonight... :( |
curls up in corner under a blanket hides form the world.
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Barlowgirl <3 I love their mirror song :D
*cuddles everyone* |
*hugs kahlia* hope ur tdoc appointment went okay.
*cuddles april* im sry if u feel that ur friends arent taking you seriously. If it helps at all, we take u seriously here, and it only really matters whether u think u need to be taken seriously or not. Just b/c ur friend cant see it doesnt mean its not true (ok i dont mean to sound like u should be not okay.. just that dont let ppl invalidate ur feelings) Anyway, i'm glad u bandaged ur cut.. keep taking good care of it. *cuddles helen* im sry things took a bad turn today... its hard when it feels like **** is hitting the fan... *hugs jill* I would do almost anything to escape from life right now. I dont understand... I keep trying to figure out what to do.. and i cant concentrate. |
*cuddles LauraStar* I can't concentrate either, and I really want to "escape from life" too... it's all too much right now... even getting up & staying out of bed for a long period of time is difficult. (I don't have any difficulty getting up, but staying up is hard!!) I'm sorry that you feel that way too :( it sucks. Oh, and the stuff with your ex, him saying that he didn't tell you because he was "protecting you" - that's bullshit, pardon my language, but it is. *holds you gently*
It's a certain friend that I feel doesn't take me seriously... I don't know. I mean, I said that I thought I had a suicide plan just because I knew what I was going to do (which technically IS a plan), but she said no, I don't have a plan unless I know exactly when/where/how I'm going to do it and am determined to do it. And she was a psychology major, so she knows what she's talking about. I feel really stupid. :( *hides* |
*hugs all*
tdoc appointment today was seriously a waste of time. He spent the entire session writing data into the computer ... asked me a total of 5 questions. Seriously, I might as well have not even have been there ... Meh ... Not in a good place right now. Really strong urges towards su. Like really, really, really strong. Have promised my housemate I'll tell him before I do something though. *hugs everyone then slips into a dark corner, sits down, rocks back and forth, starts crying and hopes that she'll just disappear and everyone will forget about her* |
*holds Kahlia and rocks with her* Hon, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way... and that the tdoc appt was such a waste of time. That really sucks. Is there anything you can do right now to get your mind off of the suicidal urges? *gentle cuddles*
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*cuddles into April* I'm trying everything I can think of. I've taken 1 mg of Xanax so hopefully it'll put me to sleep. I think that's probably the best for me at the moment. My housemate's going to keep a close eye on me for a while. Just so over all this.:crying:
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Awh... I understand, I am "over all of this" too... but sadly that doesn't make it go away. :( I wish that it did...
I am at my parents' house right now and have to keep my hoodie on so they don't see the bandage on my wrist. :-S I am a little worried about them finding out... no, make that a LOT worried. :( I don't want to worry them or make them think that I need to go into hospital. My NP will probably already think that. Mmmm old jellybeans... they are sticky but still yummilicious. :) I probably shouldn't be having candy but it was only a few. Heh. I feel really dumb. :crying: |
*Hugs April ,Kahlia ,Laura and people I'm sure I've missed :(*
I am anxious , off to my parents for the week this afternoon , will be hard to find the space to S.I. , I am fighting the urges right now . Can I join the group that are over this? I've had way more than enough of my depression....... |
*curls up next to Mark* Sure, join the group... heh. Not sure it will do any of us much good but at least we can be tired of feeling like **** together... :P
Just updated my r/v thread. Hope the time with your parents goes well, Mark. Will you be able to get online whilst you're there? If not, we'll miss you :( and if so, yey, maybe you can keep yourself from SI'ing. Please take care of the wounds if you do end up SI'ing though, 'kay? (I know you know this, just reminding you) *cuddles* I'm so sick of life. Honestly. I just want it to be over. :crying: |
*cuddles everyone and then hides in denial tent*
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*hugs april* oh i know what u mean about the whole getting out of bed thing... It is so much easier to be asleep sometimes. And you are not stupid or dumb at all. Hope that u are doing alright.
*hugs kahlia* im sry ur appt. was sucky. Hang in there. I hope that u fell asleep so that some of those thoughts went away. *hugs mark* good luck at ur parents. Maybe you wont have to SI. Keep fighting those urges. *hugs helen* I know what my ex said about protecting me was bullshit.... but i am still having a hard time dealing with it. I feel like he broke me. Not b/c we arent together but b/c he cheated and lied, and that goes back on every promise he has ever made to me. And another bad thing is that while I am having trouble holding thoughts/emotions in.. they are not reflected in my affect.. which makes me think that ppl are not going to take me seriously b/c i will smile or have no emotion at all while talking about things... except when im talking to my ex... hes the only person that I dont hide with... or... idk, maybe its not hiding, b/c its not like i am doing it on purpose. *sigh* ppl always leave.. Slept very badly... i might go back to bed after my 1st class for awhile before my looong evening of classes... yuck. |
Such a failure :(
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*cuddles LauraStar* I'm sorry that you still feel like **** over your ex... it'll take awhile to get used to the thought that he "used" you, I guess... never been in that situation so if my advice is crap please ignore it!! :-/ But I do understand what you're saying. *more cuddles* How are you doing otherwise? When you say that you are having trouble holding thoughts/feelings in, you mean that you ARE holding them in and that's the problem? And yeh, a nap sounds lovely!! Just got up from one myself, actually. :P
*cuddles Helen* You're not a failure, love. What's up?? I best get on with schoolwork... will have to leave for campus in a bit, and I just remembered that I forgot to grab "New Moon" to return to my friend, and I don't want to go back to the apartment with our landlord fixing the ceiling in the kitchen (you open the front door and walk into the kitchen, basically, so yeah). ARGH. Oh well, I'll see her on Thursday too, can return it then. *hides* :( |
I feel like a total utter failure.
Really worried about someone, hopefully they'll be ok :/ :( |
*cuddles helen* u are not a failure. I hope that whoever u r worried about is alright, and that u are okay as well.
*hugs april* At least ur ceiling is getting fixed, thats good! And i agree.. naps are great. imma go take on in a few minutes. And yea, sometimes i have problems with holding things in... but lately, its more that i have been talking a little, which i guess could be seen as a good thing, but when i talk I dont come off like i care... or like I am talking about something that isnt at all serious to me. I guess it's prolly from years of hiding what im feeling... but for example, with the situation with my ex, ppl expect me to be outwardly upset... but its all inward for me except for the shaking.. i always shake when im upset, but nobody really notices b/c i try to keep it under control. Oh, i dont know, i shouldn't have brought this up maybe.. its not like there is advice for it... it just bugs me i guess that how i sound and act is not always consistent with the words that come out of my mouth. |
*Hugs everyone*
I hope I'll get online while I'm at my parents although it will be more sporadic probably . I'm so tired of this......... Sorry I've no useful advice atm , parents house in so crowded 5 adults 1 baby and a dog . I'm not used to it . It's really warm too ..... |
*hugs everyone*
Laura, I've heard from the person, things got worse, but the situation is being sorted now. Hopefully will speak to her when she's home or later tonight. The following content has been hidden - Reason : Don't want to trigger anyone or myself in future...-mentions r word-
Sorry :| |
*sigh* I made so much progress this weekend at decluttering... and today my house gets even more crowded anyways... another adult and a baby moving in... (That makes 5 adults and 4 children under 8 yo in a 2 bedroom apartment...)
But I know J has no where else to go and I won't put a 3 mo old out on the street. *shakes head* J was staying with her mother in law and when her husband and her fought and decided to split up his mother told her "pack your **** and get out". What kind of person does that to a mother of a newborn? She got clean and sober and got medical for herself and her daughter, got some public assistance and is looking for a job... so it's not like she was being a bad parent or going off and being reckless... *Grrr* I just don't see how anyone could think that's ok to do. I hate humans. /rant Aside from trying to make too many people fit in too small a place life isn't too bad right now. I got parts of my house clean that I didn't think could come clean at this point. The more clutter I get rid of and parts of the house I get clean the better I feel these days. I don't know if it's that I have something else to focus on or if the extra unused crap in my house was pushing me more into my depression or what but I don't care why if it's helping. And flylady is teaching me to do babysteps instead of jumping in head first and getting burnt out lol. Oh and routines! Aside from got to work at x time I never really used a routine before... still working on this part but going for "progress not perfection". *nods and walks off mumbling to self* |
*group huggle!!*
Wow I always seem to be asleep in the corner of the ward/offline when everyone is needing hugs. There have been so many posts in such a short amount of time I can't reply to them all, but a few things have prompted responses in my brain so I'll try and type them out before they disappear! *poss trig* Thank you Hels for the info on M.E, I wish I knew how to add things like that online & what not, but thats too much for my brain to cope with atm! I've had M.E since december 1997, quite simply its ruined my life. But I don't think I'd need RYL if it was only that, but it was in June 1998 that I was raped and started SI'ing, June 2000 my first serious su attempt. Only when I went to psychologist last year have I been told that I've been suffering from PTSD all this time. But the thing I struggle with the most is my PMDD (Pre-Menstrual dysphoric disorder) its a mood disorder that is linked to the chemicals and hormones of monthly cycle and basically I have 7-10 'sane' days a cycle, the rest I'm irrational and feel worthless and all my past feelings and issues rise to the surface and I want to SI and SU again. ooh, and April, I think it was you who said about friends IRL etc. Well my psychologist last year suggested I take time away from RYL, she said that as much as I was supporting other people and getting support, she again wanted me to put my energies into 'real' friendships and didn't want me to have the constant reminders of SH. Well I gave here a break for about 6months or so, tried real life, and here I am again. I much happier here with less urges. So I say, do whatever makes you feel the best - which I know is hard at the mo as you feel so horrid. *special huggles* Hmm...probably more I wanted to say but I'm currently drawing a blank.... *toddles round psych ward watering pot plants* |
*cuddles both of you tight*
Sorry it's not more :S |
NP appt soon... and it looks like my husband won't be able to come with. :crying: I am so scared that she'll send me to hospital...
*hides* (sorry for lack of individual replies at the mo) |
*cuddles April*
Let us know how it goes. |
*cuddles April*
Let us know how it goes if you can x |
*huggles everyone*
Thanks for the kind words everyone from last night. The Xanax got me to sleep, but I really don't feel much better this morning. My housemate raised the possibility that I might be coming out of the depression - hence the suicidality ... but the thought patterns don't quite seem to fit. Meh, I don't know. *hugs everyone then crawls into a deep, dark hole* |
*cuddles Kahlia then hides in denial tent*
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*sneaks into the denial tent and cuddles Helen, then sneaks back outside and curls up in a corner and starts crying*
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*slips out and gets Kahlia and cuddles & cries with you*
It'll be okay.. |
*cuddles into Helen*
*keeps crying but wishes she could stop* I hope it'll be okay Hels, I really do ... I just want all the ***** to stop .... |
I know you do sweetheart. I wish it'd stop for you, for everyone really *holds you tight*
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*cuddles everyone*
The appt went alright... I was so terribly anxious the entire time it felt like I was going to throw up... couldn't stop moving. My NP had never seen me that way before and I've been going to her for 4 years. It was awful. But I'm not going into hospital (yet anyway :-S) and we're stopping the Depakote because that's what has seemed to make me so anxious lately. *shrug* It was a guess on my part but what isn't in the medical model? (at least, for me) Ate a small supper last night when we got back - we left at 5:15 for a 6 o'clock appt, got home around 8:15 and in bed by nine!! which is EXTREMELY late for us. So I am tired, Jarrod is tired, and it's going to be a long day for us too. Thankfully he will have caffeine handy and won't have to be driving in the rain/dark (which it was [both] last night). Yuckie. So I'm glad that I don't have to go to hospital... but I hate that I'm so... I don't know, well, anxious. And wanting to cut, and feeling unsafe, and all of that ****. I just want it to go away!! :( I want myself to disappear... I don't want to live anymore. :crying: *hides* |
*Hugs ward*
I'm so sorry everyone is feeling so flat and low:( I wish I knew how to make things all better * Sprinkles majickal Faerie dust * maybe that will help , we can hope . Ugh I have almost NO privacy at my folks , I'm alone this evening until tommorow afternoon , I am almost sure I'll S.I. tonight . Anxious and Flat , sorry. |
Awh Mark, I'm sorry that you feel so shitty. :( *curls up next to* Please keep fighting the SI urges... you can fight them, I know that you can... and if you do SI please try and keep it not too serious, 'kay? *hugs tightly* I don't want anything bad to happen to you... I'm worried about you.
Hels, Kahlia, LauraStar, Crimson, Hayley, how are you guys?? *group huggle* Just got back from breakfast out with a professor friend/mentor of mine... it was short but I feel awesome (well, part of me does :-S) because I had some books that she might use for a course next year!! :D That makes me so happy. I mean, I am still miserable and shitty and want to die (so so badly) but... at least I helped her some. :) I am contemplating SI'ing... need to get some schoolwork done prior to that though... ugh. I feel so ****ing STUPID. :crying: And yeh, I know it sounds dumb, putting off SI until schoolwork is over, but it works... Just a question, and I don't know if any of you will know the answer, but why was this site called "RuinYourLife" for awhile? that's not a very positive or healthy name for a supportive site. :-/ *hides* |
*cuddles everyone*
April, I'm glad you're not having to go to hospital but I'm sorry you're still so anxious and whatnot. When this place was called RuinYourLife, it wasn't really exactly supportive or promoting recovery in those days really. For self harmers to post & stuff. Or something like that anyway. Not that I was around in those days :p I didn't get here til just after v3 came out =) I'm struggling, I feel really stressed out and stuff :/ Surprised haven't done anything so far. But I'm strong I guess. I wish it was Thursday so I could see my Dad (and his partner on this occasion) :'( Normally see him Wednesday nights & every other Sunday but his new car isn't allowed to be out on the roads til tomorrow. >.> Wanted to see my friend today, as we usually meet on Wednesdays but haven't recently. She's busy but starts her Easter holidays tomorrow, so get to spend some time with her next week etc =D Wouldn't be very good company right now I expect. Just ready to explode. I need to ****ing cry. I also need to do bad things. Oh well. Struggle away... Need my best friend. Not necessarily for support, just want her around. Feel better then. She's struggling too though :( Plus she's not been well, so haven't spoken to her online since early hours of Saturday. Have spoken a bit via texts over last few days but they've been less amount of texts too. She was hoping to be online today but as she's got a bad back, I doubt it. We shall see..... God I whine too ****ing much :/ |
*Hugs April* Thanks for worrying about me but the important thing is to look after YOU. I know it's the same advice you gave me but fight that urge and if you have to S.I. keep it safe please . I'm worried about you too. I'm glad you didn't have to go to hospital .
*Hugs Helen* You're not whineing at all mate , thats why we're here to listen and give support , I'm afraid I am lacking in supportive words , I can't find them . Here have an extra hug *HUGS Helen* |
Thanks Mark :) *big cuddles*
Day feels like it's just getting worse and worse. I wish I was dead =( |
Well I was going to update here but it turned into a rant since I'm frustrated and such so I moved what I wrote to my r/v thread...
How is everyone else? |
*chuckles!*
mark, when you hugged the ward, did the walls grow arms and huggle you back?! ....ok I know that's not what you meant, but that's the picture that I had in my mind! *huggles Mark* lack of privavcy can suck when you've been so used to it - its only temporary though, chin up! *huggles Helen* you don't whine, and if you do then I don't notice it as whining, so don't you worry bout it. Here is the place where we can air our feelings and not be judged or what not. Hope things start to improve for you soon and that your best mate feels better soon for both your sakes. *huggles April* I'm so glad that you made it to your NP's appointment by yourself and that you're trying something (or rather cutting it out) to hopefully ease the anxiety. As for not SI'ing til you've done your school work, I don't think that sounds stupid, I think its a good distraction from SI and in some sort of way motivational for you to get your schoolwork done. But think of it like an extended 15minute game, if you can do your school work without SI'ing, then perhaps see if you can make it through another task such as eating dinner, etc? *huggles Kahlia* don't loose heart, I wish I could tell you why you were feeling the way you are, if its depression lifting or what not, but I've less of an idea than the psychology students. All I can say is that mental health illnesses seem to differ slightly from one person to the next and so what you're feeling is....well, shitty and horrid....but they are feelings and emotions that won't stay around for ever - what's our motto?! * shouts in cheery voice* "IT CAN'T RAIN ALL THE TIME!" *huggles Crimson* well done on yesterday's decluttering and all that you'd done before that. I love a good ol clear out, good for the mind, body and accomodation. It's just getting the motivation to start, but once started I get the bug! *huggles Laura* missed out on individual replies on my previous posts when I wasn't up to it, but just cos you've not posted since I was on here, doesn't mean you get out of individual huggles! *goes round peeking in all the hiding places in the ward for secret inmates in need of individual huggles* *takes Puppy Sinclair outside to do his...stuff... whislt visiting smoking shelter* |
ooh Crimson, just read your rant. No wonder you needed to have a rant! I'm with you and your hubby on this matter. Stick to your guns and ignore the idiots (polite word can be subsituted with word of your choice!) *extra special huggles*
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*huggles Hayley*
Yeah me too but if I don't limit it and only do a certain amount at a time I go overboard and burn out on it lol. I'm up to 3 garbage bags of stuff to donate now though (and the bag of stuff I have J for her little one). It's so odd having an infant in the house again though.. today I had to get an espresso cuz I kept waking up with the little one last night lol |
I had more to say on the matter but if I kept going on that I'd never get work done today lol.
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*cuddles april* Im glad u didnt have to go to the hospital. And its not stupid to put of SI until you do something else, its a distraction so maybe the urges will pass or lessen, plus, SI can be draining so u may not get anything done if u do that first (But please try not to do it at all..)
*hugs mark* lack of privacy sucks.. Try not to SI, I know its hard. *hugs helen* you are not whining, and if u r its okay b/c we all vent about things here. I hope that you and ur friends are alright. And you are a strong person. *hugs hayley* Thanks for the individual hugs! lol. How r u today? *hugs kahlia and crimson* I want to SI. I want to get rid of every part of me that feels anything at all. Im so tired of feeling torn between thoughts in my head. I want to make it stop. But im not sure it ever will really. Maybe im just being stupid.. |
*hugs everyone* I really want to die. I wish that my brother wasn't around so that I would be free to kill myself.
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