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Scarletdreamer 23-02-2010 03:12 PM

*cuddles Helen* Me neither. The ceiling guys didn't come, they aren't coming until tomorrow & probably wouldn't have told me had I not texted my landlord. **** them.

I am so ****ing ANGRY with myself. :crying:

MammaMia 23-02-2010 03:22 PM

Why are you angry with yourself sweetie? :(

*cuddles april lots*

[Awakening] 23-02-2010 03:30 PM

*cuddles everyone*

Sorry, i keep trying to pop in every now and again but i'm struggling to concentrate on things.

*squishy cuddles for April* I'm sorry things are so tough April. I'm here if u ever want to chat. Send me a PM and i'll be there.
I hope ur alright darling x x x

Doikers 23-02-2010 03:33 PM

*Hugs to all*

I feel so drained today after the milepost of 1 month yesterday it feels like a total anti climax, like 1 month what now *sigh*

Scarletdreamer 23-02-2010 04:07 PM

*cuddles Helen* I'm angry with myself because I mini-binged and it's not going to be bulimia unless I do something about getting rid of the food. I don't want to have COE/BED... I am already fat!!! :crying: Anyway. How are you, love?

*cuddles Joc* How are you, sweetie? how's the hospital stuff going?

*cuddles Mark* Well, aim for 2 months. :D One step at a time. :) You can do it... although I totally understand the drained/anticlimactic feeling. It sucks.

I tried to take a nap as I'm utterly exhausted but it didn't work. Damn it. So now I'm awake and thinking about bingeing and suicide. :crying:

SoMuchMore 23-02-2010 05:02 PM

*cuddles april* try not to be so hard are yourself hun. I know thats easy to say and hard to do but you have to keep trying. I'm sorry things are so hard right now.

*hugs mark* i agree with what april said, and if u feel that another month is too lofty of a goal, then aim for one day... sometimes i have to take it by hours.. you can do it!

*hugs helen* sorry that you are having a rough day.

*hugs jocelyn* you dont need to be sorry :-) sorry that you are having troubles lately.

So tired.. again. Every week I am exhausted by tuesday. Anyway, too much going on in my head to even try to type it out.

Hope everyone is alright.

Scarletdreamer 23-02-2010 05:24 PM

Urgh, classes to go to in 40 minutes. At least I only have 2 today... but I still have to get stuff done for tomorrow's lab turn-in... and I am so confused by it!! :-/ I'm not going to get a stellar lab grade on this one, I can almost promise you. :(

Really, really, REALLY ****ing want to binge. More. I want MORE. I am so disgusting, so despicable, I am nasty and filthy. Punch me, kick me, I deserve it.


MammaMia 23-02-2010 05:48 PM

*cuddles everyone*

April, be kind to yourself sweetheart, you don't deserve to be hurt adn you're not fat or any of the other bad things you called yourself. =(

I've had enough.

Doikers 23-02-2010 06:51 PM

April , you are not disgusting or fat , you don't deserve to be hurt you are a great person *Hugs if ok*

MammaMia 23-02-2010 07:26 PM

Let me go?

CrazyHayley 23-02-2010 08:08 PM

oh my goodness I miss about 36hours of when everyone was really struggling...and I generally felt ok so I may have been able to offer words of wisdom, but now I feel crappy so all I can offer is a group huggle
*GROUP HUGGLE* I don't even have the energy to go round to you all individually :(
*strokes puppy sinclair* I'll take you for walkies later, but right now my legs hurt even in the virtual world.

Actually...I don't think i'd offer you words of wisdom, not cos you're not worth it, all of you are worth so so much more than that. But it appears to be to some people that my words of wisdom are me being a puppeteer and controlling other peoples lives...or trying to. Well that has never been my intention, I've just wanted to advise, people don't have to take my advice, but then I worry if I'm too forceful, if they feel they have no choice.... sorry I'll stop rambling, I should make a journal or something rather than wasting precious space here.
Oh and my slimming tablets that I got excited about, I swear they're just making me feel even more hungry! :(

borntobleed 23-02-2010 09:20 PM

takes blankie and crys in the corner for hours hoping no one will notice. bangs head against wall and curls up under my blankie and falls asleep

SilverFlame 23-02-2010 09:36 PM

*hugs borntobleed*
You okay hun?

I wish so much that I could just not be me. I wish I could kill the person I was last week and become somebody completely new.

borntobleed 23-02-2010 09:46 PM

cyrs vilontally. runs to a quiet roon and cuts repeatedly. (i am going to do that) then curls up and talks to the people in my head. need someone to help me

PoisonedApple 23-02-2010 10:24 PM

*hugs born*
do you want to talk about it hun? I'm around (sporadically as i'm at work but checking often)...

Scarletdreamer 23-02-2010 10:34 PM

Damn it but I'm triggered.


I wish I could be okay. Then everything would be okay.

But I can't. I can't even be okay for a few hours without wanting to die, binge, purge, cut, or starve.

I really need to get a grasp on reality.

quiet1 23-02-2010 11:14 PM

hugs to everyone.

seems like everyone is really struggling today. add me to the list.

first thing this morning...4:30 got phone call that school was delayed 90 minutes bc of the ice and snow. good. i hate it there anyways. i like sleep. sleep is just about the only thing i do like. i like my bed. i am comfy there and only there. so...i am thinking that it would be good to have a few extra minutes in the morning.

then....bam. urge. i cut myself this morning. that's not normal for me. usually i have a night time urge and usually i will wait until night. cut in the morning? whatever.

now all i can think about is breaking my wrist. why?
i don't get it. i have tried in the past but always failed. will try not to fail this time.

*head desk*

Scarletdreamer 24-02-2010 12:00 AM

*cuddles quiet1* I'm sorry you feel the way that you do... breaking your wrist wouldn't do any good, though, it would just hurt like hell and make doing stuff afterwards a pain in the bum. Waking up at 4:30 for a call like that would've been so annoying... yuck. But at least you got a little extra time in the morning. Is your cut bandaged up & taken care of properly? *more cuddles*

Really feel **** right now. Just want to b/p and get the urges GONE... although I know that that wouldn't really help. :(

quiet1 24-02-2010 03:48 AM

thanks for the cuddles.
the cut is covered. managed not to SH any more since this morning.
i had a very draining therapy session and i am exhausted. i want to go to bed.

i just wanted to reply and say that i didn't try to break my wrist yet. i told my sponsor about it and she is concerned that my behavior is escalating. it usually does this time of year.

*cuddles everyone*
hope you have a good day.

Scarletdreamer 24-02-2010 09:59 AM

*cuddles quiet1 more* Thanks for telling me/us... I was very concerned about you there. Do you know why your behavior escalates at this time of year? Also, was it a good therapy session? I ask because often the most draining ones can be the best - in a weird way - because they are the ones that make you think the most about your cognitions & behaviors and why you are acting the way you are.

How is everyone else? *cuddles for all*

Doikers 24-02-2010 12:57 PM

Hey guys , I'm sorry you are all feeling so rough today :(
I just about managed to dragged myself out of bed today to answer the phone, it was my psychologist schecking appointment times . I saw her at 11 this morning , went ok , she is so insightful gives me a lot to think about , am kinda confused .
I am meeting my Psych Dr tommorow , I'm gonna want to know why my anti-depressants were increased without me being told , pissed off at that .

*Hugs all*

Scarletdreamer 24-02-2010 04:33 PM

*cuddles up next to Mark* I'm sorry you're pissed off... that would piss me off too. :( Hopefully you'll get a good explanation.

I really, really want to purge right now. Just ate lunch. **** this, I hate it, don't know what to do... it's the same old same old and I can't open up to my family about it or they'd flip. :( I am so stuck!!! And I don't know if I'll be able to see my therapist on Friday because of this huge snowstorm that is supposed to be coming.

FML. :crying:

SoMuchMore 24-02-2010 07:12 PM

My boyfriend and i broke up last night... I may not be around for awhile. Just wanted to let you guys know in case i disappear for a bit.

*hugs everyone*

CrazyHayley 24-02-2010 08:45 PM

*huggles Laura* Are you sure disappearing from here is a good idea when in your newly single state? Whatever you feel is best for you tho sweetie.

*huggles everyone else* yikes, we're having a tough time of it aren't we?! Lets hope march is a better month, then we can think that hopefully its only a few more days of this **** to deal with.

My partner returns in just over 2 weeks, he's been gone 4 and we've only had a couple of texts in that time (he's in Kenya training with the army - he's a paratrooper)...anyhoo... The last time I cut or self injured (ie, hitting, etc) was on 3rd July 2009. Its been 'amazing' to everyone how well I've been doing. I've been so so tempted sometimes, but now people know, they kinda 'check' me, any bruise or cut I get, I get questioned over. Anyhoo, cutting stopped, my ED and smoking (a socially more acceptable form of self harm) got worse. I then gave up smoking (numerous complicated reasons) and got chubbier. Ewan went away just over 4 weeks ago, I start smoking again, up the laxatives, buy slimming tablets :( I'm now panicking about how I'm gonna cover my tracks when he gets back... then I think I want to cut, reduce anxiety, punish myself for what I've let happen, but then he'll see fresh marks on his return....argghhh!!!

Sorry guys to spill when everyone else is struggling, like I said before, not after advice or anything, if I was I'd start a thread. Guess I just needed to get the words out before I exploded.

*takes puppy sinclair for a calorie/anxiety/anger busting walk*

MammaMia 24-02-2010 09:23 PM

*cuddles everyone*

Not doing too well myself. Things keep happening and I'm bit angry at the moment. Will probably end up taking it out on me and right now, I DON'T GIVE A ****, I'M UPSET :@

*goes and punches some walls*

quiet1 24-02-2010 11:30 PM

*hugs April* i am in the same boat with my therapist. i have an appt tomorrow night but it will probably be cancelled because of this stupid snow storm. maybe i will get a few days off of work too.

*hugs Laura* i am so sorry to hear about you and your boyfriend. i hope that you remain safe while you are not online with us.

*hugs Mamma* why are you so angry? what happened? why do you have to take it out on yourself? I am sorry that you feel so bad. i usually take my anger out on me too. i have been told there is a better way. i still don't believe it. all i can say is to be as safe as you can be.

*hugs Mark* i am surprised they increased your meds without you knowing it. didn't even know they could do that. i would be annoyed too.

as for me...i cut this evening. not sure why. just did it to do it. because i feel like i deserve to be punished. because i am bad. because my therapist and i talked about blood for about 30 minutes yesterday. i am exhausted. there are million reasons why i did. the bottom line is...i did it and i want more. i want self=destruction. i am not sure why i escalate this time of year. could be because this is when my folks split up many many years ago. could be because i hate winter and i have had enough of it by now. could be because of any number of traumas that have happened that i can't share because i can't remember or can't share because i do.

Kahlia1981 24-02-2010 11:40 PM

*hugs everyone*

Sorry I've been so distant ... I think I must have been hiding out in the denial tent or something ... or just sitting invisibly in a dark corner.

Well, this morning I made the goal of 1 year 6 months (or 1.5 years if you prefer) SI free. The last couple of days have been a real struggle. Especially with what they did to me in hospital on Sunday night ... it's taken my body awhile to get over that. *sigh*

I'm sorry everyone has been struggling. I seriously hope that things start to improve for all of you.

MammaMia 25-02-2010 12:32 AM

Things just keep getting worse and worse. Arrrrgh >_>

*sends cuddles to everyone, espically those struggling*

Doikers 25-02-2010 10:57 AM

*April , I hope you get to see your therapist and that the snow isn't too serious , I hope you can feel better soon :)

*Laura , I'm so sorry you broke up with your boyfriend , please stay safe while you are away from us ....

* Hayley , Are you looking forwad to your hubby coming home? you've gone a really long time without S.I. it sounds like , thats a huge acheivment :

*Quiet1, I'm sorry that you cut , please take good care of the cut, make sure it doesn't get infected ( I realise you probably know that already I'm just a bit concerned)

*Kahlia , way to go on 18 months ! thats huge , I'm sorry you are struggling but you CAN do this I totally beleive in you even though I hardly know you :)

*MammaMia , * Big hugs* I hope thing get better for you soon .

I'm struggling today , I crawled out of bed without really wanting to be up , I'm not looking forward to appointments I have today with my substance missuse nurse ( who's always really nice ) and my psych Dr , I also have 2 appointments tommorow with my houseing support worker and my social worker but then after all my appointments I'm meeting up with my best friend / girlfriend ( it's complicted ) for coffee so I'm looking forward to that .
I went to go for a walk to try and get some fresh air / feel better but I got as far as just outside my front door and I just counlden't go any further , I just came back into the flat :S I don't know what happened I feel numb , I was studying my scars in bed again this morning, I'm just .......flat I guess.

* hugs to everyone *

Scarletdreamer 25-02-2010 12:42 PM

*cuddles everyone*

LauraStar, love, are you sure it's wise not to post here when you're going to most likely be struggling the most? but if you think it's the best, then, well, I can't stop you. We'll miss you though. :( I'm so sorry to hear about the breakup... *more cuddles* ♥

Helen, I totally get how you feel (about the not caring, at least). I feel like punching walls myself at times - not right now, thank God - but at other times it's just like... WHY?!?! and I can't stop the anger from rushing through me. :( How are you doing this morning?

quiet1, I'm sorry that you cut... you're worth so much more than that. We all are. I know I'm being a hypocrite in saying that, but also, I have not cut in nearly 3 months (not a huge deal for me, I don't really keep track - stopped after awhile ago I made it 581 days without then cut again)... I probably will soon, though, just because it's punishment/enjoyment/release all in one, and because I simply don't value myself enough NOT to cut. :( I wish that we all could value ourselves as much as loving others in our lives do.

Kahlia, that's amazing!! Congratulations. :D That's a huge accomplishment... and I'm glad that you're "back" - we missed you, or at least, I know I did. How are you doing? how have things been? It's only been a few days but still... am wondering. Are you feeling better yet after being pumped full of Seroquel?

Mark, I'm sorry that you are struggling so much too. I didn't want to be up this morning either... ugh. :( Uni closed - AGAIN - due to the huge snowstorm, and we're supposed to get more snow tomorrow so I'm not sure what will be going on then. I don't mind, lol, it's nice to have snowdays in college. :P I plan on reading in a bit, playing some WoW (already did that, but what I really want to do I feel like I can't as I want to play on a character with whom my husband plays with his character [we have character pairs] - if that makes sense. Sorry, gamer-speak :P), relaxing. And maybe I'll have some of that Irish creme cappucino that we have, see if it's any good. :D

Yesterday was a huge struggle for me, felt awful and desperate and ended up bingeing a little at the end of the day. :( Stupid me. I've really got to figure out a way to get this fat off me. :( Am still struggling today but haven't put much in my stomach or anything yet so I am doing alright.

My husband is putting in a half day of work and taking tomorrow off (FMLA) because of the snow. So yeah. I'm pretty sure I won't make it to my therapy appt tomorrow morning, what with this snow - I think we already have around 5'' and more to come. *sigh* Oh well, no college & that's a good thing. Heh. :) I still have to remember to take my advanced counseling quiz, though... yucky. :(

Anyway, enough rambling about me, sorry... :o

*hides in a very very dark corner* :(

MammaMia 25-02-2010 03:32 PM

So over today. So over this week. So over this month.

One **** thing after another.

Still no ****ing heating, best friend is home but very withdrawn, best friends went into an almighty panic when I didn't get in contact for a few hours, then keep collapsing. Never have felt so dizzy and I get dizzy regularly :| That's not even everything that's happened today ha.

Can I please give up now? What some/most people want anyway.

MammaMia 25-02-2010 03:33 PM

Oh & cuddles for everyone, sorry not really replying to posts, thanks who've replied to me already x

frenchhorn 25-02-2010 04:18 PM

*cuddles everyone* sorry no individual replies, just so little sleep has left me with so little concentration.

I can't deal with this lack of sleep anymore, got to go to a class in an hour, I'm depping for someone then got my British Military Fitness(BMF) class later, really want to go, as it might make me worn out and therefore sleep, plus will feel very lazy if I don't go. But seriously 3-4 hours of sleep a night for several nights in a row is not good, especially with essays and a competition coming up.
*collapses in corner*

Doikers 25-02-2010 04:52 PM

Met my Psych Dr he didn't even know the meds I've been mistakenly given came in that dose :S
Had a long chat with Sharron my alcohol missuse worker about me wanting to start drinking again but this time I want to drink sensibly . I'm 29 for crying out loud and I feel like a naughty child for even having drink in my flat . I'm sure I can be responsible , well almost sure and I've gone for almost 2 years without any alcohol , it's not like I am going to start drinking white cider or 16 cans a night again , it's just nice and normal to be able to have a drink with dinner or while the rugby's on is that so fundementally behond what I can do ?
My Psych Dr just stressed me out , TODAY just stressed me I am SO triggered to hurt myself now...............sorry:-S

*hugs for you all*

Scarletdreamer 25-02-2010 07:35 PM

*cuddles Oliver* Yeh, 3-4 hours of sleep a nice is really bad... it would drive me crazy too - literally probably, insomnia-induced psychosis. I am exhausted as is right now and I've been sleeping about 8-9 hours a night, roughly. Anyway - what competition? & what exactly is BMF?

*cuddles Mark* I'm sorry that you're feeling so bad... and I can understand the frustration of not having drink in your flat, but at the same time, isn't it good to avoid any temptation at all? I suppose I can see though, that as it has been nearly 2 years without a drink... but still. I don't know. I'd still err on the side of caution. I hope that doesn't offend you. :-S Maybe if you do buy drink buy just one or two drinks, or one 6-pack, so you don't have a ton to binge on if you suddenly can't control yourself? Hope that makes sense... *more cuddles*

As I said, I'm really tired... did the quiz for advanced counseling this morning, hubby came home early, bestie might be coming over later. I don't know. I really want to purge and am scared that I will be dxed with BED/COE if I don't start purging sometime soon, somehow. :( I feel so stupid!!!!

Make it all go away, please, please, make it go away...

Doikers 25-02-2010 08:06 PM

*April , You didn't offend me , it's good advice you gave , I just feel like...........I don't know how to feel , ugh! it is frustrating .Whats BED/COE if you don't mind me asking? sorry if I'm being a bit dense.*Hugs April*

frenchhorn 25-02-2010 08:28 PM

*cuddles April and Mark* sorry your both not doing well, I don't have much advice at the moment, sorry.

Its an internal chamber music competition in college, my wind quintet are in it, its a week tomorrow. BMF is basically an hour of exercise in an army style, but its for civilians, all the instructors are in or were in the forces and its done outside, with 3 different levels. I always end up walking home covered from head to toe in mud, but its fun, if very hard work.

Kahlia1981 26-02-2010 03:36 AM

Just dropped in to offer everyone some Great ... Big .... HUGS. *hugs everyone*

My body feels a tonne better after the clinically-induced OD on Seroquel. Now I just have to find some way to make my mood better. A guy from CATT came around yesterday and said that he thought my mood was "turning a corner" but then, not that much later on I was talking to my housemate about wanting to stop off at the hardware store and get a nice piece of rope and a blade. A bit later on still I was having trouble trying not to cry for no obvious reason. *sigh* Sometimes I just wish I knew what the heck was going on with me ...

*walks around to everyone she can find and offers them a hug*

SoMuchMore 26-02-2010 06:58 AM

*hugs everyone*

for everyone that said anything about my break up and leaving here for awhile - I just don't want to talk to anyone. I feel completely lost. I mean we had been dating for over 4 years... I just don't know how to handle anything right now. I'm sorry.

CrazyHayley 26-02-2010 12:23 PM

*huggles Laura* there is no need to apologise, just know that we are concerend and only want to offer our support and we're all thinking of you.

*huggles everyone else* Sorry for not doing more individual replies but I'm having a crummy brain day with my M.E so can't really cope with the focusing and typing. Laura's was the last post in my head so I could respond easier, don't want you thinking I'm picking and choosing who I respond to *worries with some paranoia*

Anyhoo, Ewan should be getting his RnR in Kenya today, I've not had any contact with him in nearly 2weeks, so I'm really hoping to get at least a text from him. I get so insecure :( I am looking forward to his return but am still anxious about it. Also got a 'bonding' sleep over with my sisters tomorrow which I'm anxious about, we've never done anything like this before (they are my half sisters so we didn't grow up together) and they don't know about any of my MH problems and they wanna drink....I'm not sure how I'll be or what truths I'll open up to them....I guess I'll just have to see how things go....

Right time for me to stop getting fuzzy eyed on this screen...

*naps in corner with puppy sinclair*

PoisonedApple 26-02-2010 06:51 PM

*hides in denial tent*

MammaMia 26-02-2010 07:15 PM

*is hiding in denial tent*

PoisonedApple 26-02-2010 07:32 PM


Originally Posted by CrazyHayley (Post 2157554)

*huggles everyone else* Sorry for not doing more individual replies but I'm having a crummy brain day with my M.E so can't really cope with the focusing and typing. Laura's was the last post in my head so I could respond easier, don't want you thinking I'm picking and choosing who I respond to *worries with some paranoia*

It's ok Hayley... I have this issue sometimes too. *hugs*

*hugs Helen* how are you, hun?

[Awakening] 26-02-2010 08:10 PM

:-( my girlfriends gone away for the weekend, she left a couple hours ago and i'm already feeling so incredibly lonely and depressed.
I'm gonna be busy tomorrow because its my friends bday thing and we're going to london and clubbing etc so i know i wont be alone but i still feel lonely. I just want her back. I feel so stupid and pathetic being like this. I'm so dependant and that really isnt a good thing and i know that but it doesnt change anything. I don't want her to feel guilty, its healthy to spend time apart and shes gone to see her family so its all good but id way prefer to be with her than anyone else.

Sorry a bit of a rant, i just feel really pathetic for feeling so low. Plus i was being all depressing when she was packing and thats not good or nice for her. Urgh i feel like such a crappy girlfriend :-( i just want her home with me :-(

Imaginary_friend 26-02-2010 09:39 PM

i quite counselling. she was pissing me off and not helping at all.
let's hope things stay sane for a while.

*hugs everyone*

Kahlia1981 26-02-2010 09:53 PM

*cuddles everyone then slips into the denial tent*

quiet1 27-02-2010 03:28 AM

i feel like i need to be punished. my thoughts are wrong. i shouldn't think like that. i should be punished. ew.

Kahlia1981 27-02-2010 11:51 AM

*hugs everyone*

I'm tired, I'm dizzy, I want these strong dangerous urges to stop now.

*screams her head off in a dark corner, pats Puppy SinClair and sneaks into the denial tent for the night*

Jetforce 27-02-2010 12:26 PM

*pops by and leaves some kit kats on the table and hugs for all*

Kahlia1981 27-02-2010 12:29 PM

Jem - I'll take one of the hugs, but I'm afraid I'm not into chocolate at the moment. *hugs you back*

*hugs everyone*

I spent over AU$700 on bits for my computer today. It is being pimped beyond belief. I can't wait for the parts to arrive. But I do wish that my joy in pimping my beast is being marred by my damn depression. Poot.

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