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Scarletdreamer 11-12-2009 10:11 AM

Laura, that's awesome!! You should be so proud of yourself. *big hugs* Celebrate... go out and do something special, buy yourself something special, if you can. Try and enjoy the day as much as you can. I remember how much I celebrated when I reached a year of no SI... that was back in July '07... sadly, am back to SI'ing monthly now. But anyway - tangent. Callie is right, confetti is good. :)

Callie, how are you doing?? *hugs*

Kahlia, sounds like you had a busy day. I'm glad you enjoyed the coffee and chat... sounds like you needed it. :) It's always good to get time with friends... but please don't disappear-without-telling-anyone-where-you're-going. That doesn't sound very good nor very healthy, and while you may need a getaway, that definitely doesn't sound like the way to get it. *hugs* I hope that you sleep well tonight (it's nighttime there now, right?)... try and take care of yourself the best that you can, and remember - people care about you.

Gahh. I have fasting bloodwork this morning and I've been up since 1am, unable to sleep. I wonder if it's the Abilify doing that, or the med switch (Geodon to Abilify) in general... been getting up anywhere from 1am to 5am the past few weeks or so. I hate not sleeping. But now because I'm fasting and just drinking water (which tastes very sulfur-y :( ... oh well), I want to fast all day even though I can't. GRRRRR... :(

SoMuchMore 11-12-2009 07:38 PM

*hugs Callie* thanks *grabs a handful of confetti and throws it around*

*hugs kahlia* Glad to hear you had a good time with coffee.. i love coffee lol. Stay strong.

*hugs scarletdreamer* (sorry I don't know your name)... I'm trying to be happier about it, I would be happier if I actually felt better, but o well. I'm just having a relaxing day i think. Sorry to hear that you are SI-ing monthly again... Maybe someday you can get back to a year and then 2 and 3... etc... and then i'll hand you some confetti lol.

bluecherry 11-12-2009 08:21 PM

Dont know if im in the right thread - sorry if this aint the place. Just gotta get it out.

Feeling really really blue...

Feeling really really alone.

linglong 11-12-2009 10:08 PM

bluecherry * huge cuddles*

chocostashchick 12-12-2009 12:19 AM

bluecherry this is the place for everything!
it's magical and perfect because nothing doesn't belong here!
i know, it's awesome, right??
*huge squishy hugs for the whole entire Virtual Psych Ward because it's awesome*
Kahlia how is the belly piercing? i hope it's well - i have had to do mine twice and i'm still not sure it's going to take so i really hope you are having much better luck! be careful with your clothes; mine always is getting stuck on my shirts. i hope you don't have to disappear? disappearing isn't a good thing to have to do. please don't. your belly piercing will be all disappeared and alone and miss all the other piercing friends it has in the world that can't see it anymore.
Laura, you've made a whole year and that is awesome huge confetti progress so just think what this whole next year will bring you with an entire year's more progress! yay that will be giant confetti!
Scarlet abilify made me funny too i think. i wasn't on it long but i specifically remember that the reason i went off it was that i suspected it kept me awake. you should def ask your doc about that. how's the blood work?
hi emski

zowie 12-12-2009 01:16 AM

I hope Puppy Sinclaire is still in here!!!

Kahlia1981 12-12-2009 04:05 AM


Originally Posted by zowie (Post 2033403)
I hope Puppy Sinclaire is still in here!!!

Arwen: *hugs you* - I believe Puppy SinClair is still around ... I'm not sure he's being fed though!!


Originally Posted by chocostashchick (Post 2033324)
Kahlia how is the belly piercing? i hope it's well - i have had to do mine twice and i'm still not sure it's going to take so i really hope you are having much better luck! be careful with your clothes; mine always is getting stuck on my shirts. i hope you don't have to disappear? disappearing isn't a good thing to have to do. please don't. your belly piercing will be all disappeared and alone and miss all the other piercing friends it has in the world that can't see it anymore.

The belly ring is going really well. I was concerned for a couple of seconds there yesterday when I looked at it and the dressing they'd put over it was blood-stained. But seriously that's not really a surprise. Yeah I've been warned about clothes interacting with the jewellery. *hugs you*


Originally Posted by Fallinstar0317 (Post 2032829)
*hugs kahlia* Glad to hear you had a good time with coffee.. i love coffee lol. Stay strong.

Yeah coffee is good. And it's even better when you are sharing the joyous coffee experience with friends. *hugs you*


Originally Posted by Scarletdreamer (Post 2032231)
Kahlia, sounds like you had a busy day. I'm glad you enjoyed the coffee and chat... sounds like you needed it. :) It's always good to get time with friends... but please don't disappear-without-telling-anyone-where-you're-going. That doesn't sound very good nor very healthy, and while you may need a getaway, that definitely doesn't sound like the way to get it. *hugs* I hope that you sleep well tonight (it's nighttime there now, right?)... try and take care of yourself the best that you can, and remember - people care about you.

I'm trying to fight it. Luckily I don't have a car. Last time I felt the need to disappear I just jumped in my car and left I was gone for a week and my parents were about to list me as a missing person when I returned. I just hope this feeling/need/urge/idk fades a bit. *hugs you*

I know that I've missed some people and I'm sorry. I just want you all to know that I'm thinking of you. *hugs everyone in the ward and leaves hugs for anyone who walks in*

Kahlia1981 12-12-2009 08:27 AM

*hugs everyone*

I'm in an extreme downward spiral... in a really bad place. Knowing I should reach out for help IRL but not being able to. Just wanting it all to be over. *sigh*

*goes and finds a vacant corner in the dark and sits and cries*

Scarletdreamer 12-12-2009 10:09 AM

*holds Kahlia* I'm so sorry, love, that things are so hard. But you can make it through. What is the toughest thing going on right now? is there anything that we can do to help? *more hugs* Ooh, and I wanted to say that piercings are cool - just got my nose done and I have 8 piercings total in my ears. Trying to figure out what I want done next - not my belly button, as I HATE my stomach and don't want a stranger looking at it. Plus I heard they hurt a lot... the nose piercing hurt enough, lol. I'm not that good with pain unless I'm the one inflicting it. :-/

Laura, my name's April. :) I suppose I ought to put that in my user title thingummy so people know. Hmmm. Anyway, yeah, it will be giant confetti when you reach 2 years without any attempts. And it will be giant confetti when I reach 1 year without SI'ing!! because recently I just cut so badly I had to go get stitches. :( So that was really dumb of me. But oh well... stupid things do happen, especially to someone as dumb as I am. :( How are you doing today?

Callie, I called my NP last night about the Abilify and she told me to increase it from 10mg to 20mg and take it in the mornings. I don't have akathesia (sp?) - movement problem, unable to sit still, that means I have too much Abilify in my system... so we are decreasing the Geodon by another 40mg and, as I said, doubling the Abilify. It's 5am now and I got up a little past four... better than 1am though!!! I am so glad that I have a good NP - she's going to call me later today about how my night went, how I slept, etc. She may have make mistakes with meds but my body is so messed up when it comes to how it accepts medications, so technically it's not really a mistake. But aaanyway... :) *hugs*

*hugs everyone*

Who's Puppy SinClair? :)

SoMuchMore 12-12-2009 05:51 PM

*hugs Kahlia* hang in there hun. If it gets bad enough please try to reach out to someone in real life.

*hugs april* sorry to hear about your SIing, but you are not stupid or dumb!! You seem like I very nice/supportive person from your posts in here.

I'm alright today. Trying to ignore some thoughts, but oh well. I'm going to a Shinedown concert tonight so that is bound to lift my spirits.. at least for a few hours anyway.

chocostashchick 12-12-2009 06:10 PM

oh i love shinedown am super jealous. good luck with the thoughts Laura. you can fight them!
Kahlia i'm sorry you are spiraling. how are you feeling now? any idea why? maybe something has happened or changed?
April you aren't stupid love
not stupid at all
if SI'ing made you stupid we would all be stupid and i refuse to be stupid so you can't be either because i want us to be smart please :-P
plus you are way to good at being self-aware AND giving advice AND talking to your NP when you have questions which is super smart
i love piercings too i have my nose as well it's my favorite and i actually got my belly done BECAUSE i hate my stomach and it sort of helps to have something shiny there to distract from my stomach

ow ow ow phone rang and i stubbed my toes wicked bad on my furniture i can't wait to move somewhere where my furniture actually fits this is ridiculous. also my mother lives here and atm i just need her gone. i just don't want to have to deal with another person's presence at all. it's too much.

i feel like crap and. i. am. so. sick. of. this.

Scarletdreamer 12-12-2009 07:09 PM

Laura, thanks for your kind words. Callie, you too. :) Hehe, okay, fine, we can all be smart in here... lol. I'm sure we all are, but I sure don't feel like it. :( I have argued with a good friend about it to no end and I'm so glad that he doesn't get frustrated with me!!

I honestly don't feel self-aware. At least, not as self-aware as my husband is and he's the one I compare myself to the most (at least, in mental capacity, not physical, because I don't want to look ripped, I want to be skinny). He's SO analytical of relationships and events in life it's crazy!! (hah no pun intended!!) I wish I could be that aware of what's going on with me, you know? Instead I seem to be stuck in a funk that is extremely self-absorbed. Ughhh. I hate myself.

You know, I write that so casually but it's true ("I hate myself") - I can't remember the last time that I actually said to myself, "I love you." I say it all the time to my husband and friends, but not to myself. Anyone similar? :-/

I'm trying to decide where to get my next piercing... want to do my lip but my mum is against it and while I'm married and independent, her and my dad's opinions still matter to me. I think it would look okay and I would like to have it done, but bleh, I dunno. I really like my nose piercing, though. It suits my face pretty well I think, and maybe it even makes me like my (fat) face a little better. :) Hopefully...

*hugs everyone and hands out chocolate* :)

chocostashchick 13-12-2009 12:35 AM

tongue? i have always wanted tongue but i hear that it is bad for your teeth bc it wears away the enamel as it bangs around in there and i really don't need to introduce anything else into my life that could hurt my teeth lol..... although i wonder if there are like plastic barbells that they could use? must look into this thank you random epiphany
i am the same way. i think i hate myself. well, i disgust myself always and i hate certain things about myself (and i really do mean hate in the true sense of the word) but there are also some specific things about myself that i love. like i don't think i would or have ever deliberately hurt somebody else and i love that! some people are mean on purpose and i'm not like them and i so give myself life points for that!
maybe your husband is more self-aware than you in certain areas that you are working on, but you are definitely very self-aware in some areas and i doubt he could be more so than you in those ones..... unless he is some kind of genius person who is so genius as to be annoying and set the bar impossibly higher for the rest of us. but good for him anyway.
you are very self-aware don't take it for granted. you are more than me. okay most people are but still you should all not take if for granted and enjoy it!
you seem to at least know when you are upset and what things bother you. that's being self aware and that is really really good to know.

Kahlia1981 13-12-2009 07:16 AM


Originally Posted by Scarletdreamer (Post 2033754)
*holds Kahlia* I'm so sorry, love, that things are so hard. But you can make it through. What is the toughest thing going on right now? is there anything that we can do to help? *more hugs* Ooh, and I wanted to say that piercings are cool - just got my nose done and I have 8 piercings total in my ears. Trying to figure out what I want done next - not my belly button, as I HATE my stomach and don't want a stranger looking at it. Plus I heard they hurt a lot... the nose piercing hurt enough, lol. I'm not that good with pain unless I'm the one inflicting it. :-/

Who's Puppy SinClair? :)

Hi April. *hugs you* The toughest thing going on right now? I'm not sure. I'm just fighting so hard to keep my head above water and not disappear into a serious psychotic episode that everything is the toughest thing. Actually, my belly piercing hasn't really hurt all that much. I mean, it was nothing worse then getting a needle or a blood test. A little bit of pain, a little bit of pressure and it was all over. *shrugs* - Oh and Puppy SinClair is the psych wards resident puppy. He's always there if we need unconditional love and a bashing by a waggy tail. :D

April, I don't remember the last time I said "I love you" to myself either. It's not something I do. Maybe because I don't love myself.


Originally Posted by Fallinstar0317 (Post 2034309)
*hugs Kahlia* hang in there hun. If it gets bad enough please try to reach out to someone in real life.

*hugs Laura* Thanks, I'll try to reach out to someone IRL if it gets worse. I'm hoping you feel/felt a little better after the concert. I hope the thoughts aren't overwhelming you.


Originally Posted by chocostashchick (Post 2034339)
Kahlia i'm sorry you are spiraling. how are you feeling now? any idea why? maybe something has happened or changed?

*hugs Callie* Right now I feel incredibly depressed and heading towards psychotic. I'm not sure why. Some of the depression is stemming from my last session with my tdoc when he opened the locked door ... I think that is where everything is coming from.

*hugs everyone then goes and finds Puppy SinClair and gives him a cuddle*

Scarletdreamer 13-12-2009 09:59 AM

*hugs Callie* Yeh, I've also heard that tongue piercings can crack teeth (:-/) so that's probably why I wouldn't get it but I think it looks cool. Heh. I definitely wouldn't get a belly button piercing though, because first off, a stranger would have to look at my stomach (which is currently bloated due to water retention :( ... sucky), and well, I guess that's my main reason. Of course, I also don't wear clothing that would show it, so I don't see the point. Piercings on the face can be seen no matter what clothes you are wearing (unless huge hats, sunglasses, and bulky scarves, lol)... so I see more point in those for me, anyway.

My husband is a kind of genius and it does border on annoying at times, lol. He has Asperger's (mild form of autism) and is quite intelligent, as is his entire family... he calls me very intelligent too but I sure don't see it!! I was talking with my friend and he said that since I am a musician, I am smart. A stupid person couldn't learn three instruments. I don't know what to think about that... I love to put myself down at any time, and I definitely don't feel very smart. :(

*hugs Kahlia* Are you on any meds for the psychoses? Just wondering... I know that a lot of people are biased against meds, etc... but they can help. I heard voices from I-don't-know-when until 2006 when I started Geodon. Now I'm going off Geodon and onto Abilify. I've got bipolar II and that's supposed to help with mood, and I actually think it is, which is good. But anyway, tangent, lol. My bad. Umm... please do reach out IRL if things get really bad, 'kay? Like, even if they get a little bit worse... reach out. It sounds like you're in a really bad place right now and need that support... but I am so glad that you are posting more in here and opening up a little more. *more hugs*

So yesterday morning I talked with my NP, and she told me to go off my Geodon cold turkey... so last night I had an AWFUL headache and now even though it's 5am my husband is going to get Excedrin (mixture of Tylenol [acetominophen], aspirin, and caffeine), extra strength Tylenol, and a few other things at Walmart (which is open 24/7). I am also a little wobbly on my feet from the med drop... which really sucks. I hate having side effects/withdrawal effects from medications, especially as this is finals week coming up!!! I will need all of my focus for that. ARGH!!!

*cuddles Puppy SinClair with Kahlia*

*hugs everyone some more, because hugs are soothing*

Kahlia1981 13-12-2009 11:38 AM

*hugs April* - Yeah I'm on Seroquel XR for the psychosis but my levels aren't quite right yet.

*hugs everyone*

Scarletdreamer 13-12-2009 09:17 PM

Well, I hope that the Seroquel gets to a good level soonish. Being psychotic isn't fun at all. I've had my times... ugh. Nightmarish!! *big hugs*

I feel like crrrap, and I don't know why. Well, I do, it's because I got up so early, and the med changes. And I texted my therapist ("T") but she told me that she had to go and wouldn't be available for an hour. I mean, it was for a family member that was dying and it was her turn to take care of him, but STILL, even though it was a good reason, it sucked. :( I felt so alone because I didn't want to interrupt my husband... then I started crying and ended up interrupting him anyway. So I feel really dumb. I hate - HATE - crying and rarely ever do. It didn't even make me feel that much better, and I couldn't really even talk about how I was feeling other than "I hate my life" and "I am so sick of uni," both of which things he already knew. I didn't want to say anything else for fear that he would get angry with me or hurt... and he apologized since he felt bad about making me feel like I couldn't talk with him.

Oh shizbang, I have so much homework to do and feel so overwhelmed... I don't want to do any of it and I'm so scared that I'm going to get incompletes this term if I won't get stuff done on time. SO SCARED!!!! *cries*

I am such a loser... :(

chocostashchick 14-12-2009 12:14 AM

you are not a loser, April
i don't talk to losers ;-P just kidding lol
but nothing you have said so far makes you a loser at least not to me
so at the very least you are not a loser to me
you have a husband and a family who cares about you so i doubt you are losers to them either
hope your head feels better
*hugs Kahlia*
i am sorry you are feeling psychotic. would it be a good idea to call your med person? it sounds like you might need your med or dose changed asap. you said you would reach out to somebody irl if you got worse but i think you should now because if you feel bad, that's already worse enough i think! you don't deserve to be going around feeling bad and like you are disappearing! you are clearly too awesome for that. look at you, you knew poor Puppy SinClair was still around all alone and in your awesomeness you saved him from neglect and abandonment! go you! you aren't going to disappear because the Denial Tent magic keeps everybody safe who is inside of it no matter what.
Laura, how was the concert!?! hope you had fun

SoMuchMore 14-12-2009 06:12 AM

*hugs callie, april, and kahlia*
The concert was really good. I love shinedown with every fiber of my being lol. This was the 5th time i've seen them in 4 years lol.
The thoughts really havent gone away... which sucks... but I'm still trying to ignore them. Although it maybe harder not to SI when I have semester finals all week so i need to concentrate on them and not on stupid things that come into my head.

Hope everyone is doing alright.

Kahlia1981 14-12-2009 11:56 AM

*hugs everyone*

I've only got a short amount of time before I crash for the night so sorry but no individual replies. Big hugs going out to all of you.

I saw my GP today and mentioned the headaches that I've frequently been having to him. He checked my blood pressure and said it was okay and gave me a script for panadeine forte. I've already used 4 and I still have a headache.

I had a scary moment today. I got home from my bike ride to the docs and happened to look at my covering on the belly piercing. . . The top had come off, but luckily the dressing meant that it couldn't go anywhere. I had to take my sweaty hands and put the top back on the piercing. It hasn't moved or loosened since then but I was terrified that I'd lose the jewellery and the piercing.

Anyway, must dash as I'm falling asleep whilst typing.

*hugs everyone who wants a hug, feeds Puppy SinClair and then retires to her corner*

Scarletdreamer 14-12-2009 12:27 PM

Good morning. :)

*hugs Callie* Thanks for the support and kind words... it means a lot. I feel like a loser a lot of the time - it's just frustrating to feel this way. I wish I were a superhero - my friends have called me "Superhero April" time and time again, lol, but I wish I really were one. I definitely don't feel like one... :( But anyway, how are you doing? You don't post a lot about yourself; you're just very supportive of other people, which is great... but I'm sure that none of us would mind you posting more about yourself. :)

*hugs Kahlia* Sorry that you are having such a difficult time right now... I'm glad that you got some meds for your headaches. I've been having a lot lately too and have been popping Excedrin a lot... the caffeine in it makes me really anxious though, so I have been taking more Klonopin (clonazepam) than I have been prescribed, although my NP doesn't seem to be concerned as we will be increasing my dosage soon. I already take 3mg/day - been SO anxious!! - and I think we're increasing it to 4-5mg. I have friends that are worried about that though, as they say it's addictive (which I know) and that in their experiences, 1-2mg is the most that patients are given. What do you guys think?

And sorry, Kahlia, I kind of sabotaged posting to you by turning it into a tangent about me. :( I'm awful with that kind of thing. :(

*hugs everyone*

CrazyHayley 14-12-2009 01:04 PM

*group huggles everyone in ward*

Hello!! Hello to the regulars, hello to the lingerers and hello to the newbies!! Well I do believe I last went out to the smoking shelter in september and then I did a little escape from the ward....my therapist tempted me over the back wall with lots of glorious promises.....

Anyhoo things have been good but are now on the slippery slope back down and so I thought I'd come somehwere where I can be safe as I don't want to mess up all the good work that I've done.

Hmm, so since I left, I've now become vegan and given up smoking. I've made it 5months SI free but I'm still struggling with bulimia, though no where near as bad as I have been in the past.

Anyhoo, you were never far from my thoughts and I just wanted to say hi to you all and wishing you all better days. xxxxxx

Scarletdreamer 14-12-2009 03:00 PM

Congrats, Hayley, for getting on the road to recovery!! :) I know that sounds cliché and everything, but it's pretty awesome that you're doing better than you were. *big hugs*

My husband stayed home from work today because I was doing so poorly yesterday. My T called and we rescheduled my session with her, for 8:30am later this week. :-O I don't know if I can get up that early, lol... well, I know I can as I have been getting up EXTREMELY early (I slept in today until 6:30 and that's the latest I've slept in weeks or even months!!). It's just I hope I'm awake enough to drive at that time. Ugh.

I am swamped in uni stuff and need some help with NO PROCRASTINATING, haha. Hubby is being kind and gentle with me today as I feel extremely fragile... :(

chocostashchick 14-12-2009 10:29 PM

*pats Puppy SinClair and takes him for his walkies because OMG when was the last time anybody walked him we can't have Puppy Accidents in the Psych Ward ew?!?!*

Hayley way to go giving up smoking!!!!! i have been off and on smoking for a few years now and i was months free but last week i gave in for some reason and i smoked my last one two days ago and right now i want to gnaw my arm off for a smoke. 5 months is amazing! for me with food it is so much easier when i only have safe foods around to tempt me. i dont know how much control you have over what's kept in the house but maybe doing a sweep and getting rid of all the unsafe food?

Kahlia i hope the belly jewelrey is still okay! make sure you clean it with alcohol or something since you had to screw it back on. since you just got it, if it falls off again, i would go to the piercer and have them see about putting a replacement in because you don't want to have gotten a defective one.

Laura i'm glad the concert was fun. i hope finals go okay and maybe you can do something to make sure that the thoughts don't interfere with studying, like have you ever done a journal? when you study you could take one with you and every time a bad thought comes up just grab the journal and write it down and then it is safely out on paper for you to come back to when you can and you can keep studying in peace? i don't know if that will actually work or be remotely helpful sorry lol

April there are lots of kinds of superheros. all you need is a power so figure out what your power is. You could be the Superhero Puppy SinClair Walker! or the Superhero April of the Amazing People who are Wives and Friends and Students and whatever they are just Amazing Superhero people. Your hubby sounds adorable btw. you must be a special person too if somebody as special as him married you.
and you are really sweet and yeah i suck at the talking about me, especially when i feel like a crazy mess and i am a crazy mess right now.

Scarletdreamer 15-12-2009 12:36 AM

*hides in dark corner - if there are any dark corners in the ward?*

I feel fragile now. Still. And hubby accidentally set it off. He's not perfect but he is adorable, physically and mentally. Just want to cry... so overwhelmed, so tired. I'm so close to Christmas break... just gotta remember that. :(

Callie, thanks for the kind words. I read your post on the board but haven't the energy or words right now to respond to it.

Kahlia1981 15-12-2009 01:27 AM

April - Hun, hang in there. If you need to cry, don't try to hold back the tears. Cryng is usually therapeutic.

Callie - Thanks for walking Puppy SinClair ... he's been kind of neglected for a little while and I'm sure he appreciates the walk. Oh, and the belly jewellery seems to be doing okay. I cleaned it and of course all the areas around it. If it does come off again I'm heading straight back to the piercer. I really don't want to lose the piercing this soon after having it done.

*hugs everyone*

My friend and I might be going to inspect a 2 bedroom unit this evening. He is going on a drive-by with the agency that is trying to help him find accommodation. I've got my fingers crossed that it's okay because I want to get out of this place I'm in as soon as possible. I'm living in fear that I'm going to get chucked out because of my MI. So fingers crossed...

Scarletdreamer 15-12-2009 09:27 AM

*hugs Kahlia* Thanks for the sweet words, love. They mean a lot - I know I say that a lot to all of you, but I'm not so used to having such a warm welcome from people. So it's been really nice to have such support when I am just getting to know you all!! :)

I hope that you do better today than yesterday... baby steps and all of that. When do you see your psych again about the Seroquel? does s/he know that you are close to going into psychosis again? *more hugs*

Crying is theraputic, I know, but I still hate it. It makes me feel like a wimp, a fool, for crying over what to most people would be nothing. :( I'm so... well, I won't say stupid, but that's what I feel like. :( Ugh. I wanted to talk to a friend last night who wasn't tired of me - I felt like my husband was, and tired of all my "baggage" too - but he was busy probably and I didn't want to disturb him. I might talk with him today if I can.

Gahh, up early again. It's 4:30am and was up half an hour ago. Didn't take my 40mg Geodon last night so I didn't sleep as well... silly of me, eh? *sigh* And I have the same headache that I've had for what feels like weeks... thank God for extra strength Excedrin!!

*hugs everyone, and cuddles with Puppy SinClair*

Kahlia1981 15-12-2009 10:46 AM

*hugs April* I don't have a regular pdoc at the moment. I have an appointment with one on Feb 1st ... but my GP and tdoc have referred me to an independent pdoc and I'm not sure when/if that's going to come through. My GP looks after my medication and he doesn't really want to touch it at present. *sigh* Story of my life ... I just wanted to tell you, that I hate crying as well. I hate it so much that I don't let myself do it often and when I do I start really feeling the self hatred. So, I understand where you are coming from. I hope you get to talk to your friend or husband and that you are able to talk things out from your head into the real world.

*hugs everyone and cuddles Puppy SinClair*

Today was a very quiet day in a lot of respects. I did manage to clean my room and do a few other odd jobs like that. *shrugs* One step at a time right??

Scarletdreamer 15-12-2009 12:54 PM

*hugs Kahlia* Yep, one step at a time. Today's going to be a busy day, I think... two finals, although one's just turning in a take-home final and doing an extra-credit question. The other one is only on one chapter, on musicals (how I effing HATE Intro to Theatre!!!!), so that shouldn't be awful either.

I am really struggling with my ED right now... I have barely eaten this morning but I want to purge... I know I would probably hate it since I am an emet but I would desensitize myself... and part of me wishes that I had died from my ED back in 2006, that my parents hadn't "forced" me into treatment. (I wasn't a minor then, but it still felt like being forced - they made the appt with the clinic while I was out of state, and then told me and took me there. :( Grrrr!!!) So yeah, really struggling. And it sucks because it feels like NO ONE understands. :(

whispering girl 15-12-2009 06:17 PM

they want me to go to a psychiatrist and take something for my si. never been to one before and a bit scared. still haven't made the appointment.

Scarletdreamer 15-12-2009 09:59 PM

Who's "they," love? Pdocs aren't usually that bad, although I totally understand the hesitation of making the call. I didn't call my N for 2 months I was so worried. But there are some good meds out there that can help SI/depression/etc. One of them is called naltrexone and I was on it for a bit, helped the SI urges go away until my body got used to it.

*big hugs*

Been a rough day. Seems like that's going around. :(

whispering girl 15-12-2009 11:00 PM

my general doc. can't do anything about the stuff they put me on in the hospital. doesn't know much about it. her and my psychologist are making me go to a psychiatrist.

CrazyHayley 16-12-2009 06:01 AM

I've no idea why I am wide awake at 5.30am, so I decided to come on here with a camomile tea to keep me safe from wondering thoughts....

*huggles scarletdreamer* thank you for your warm welcome back and your words of encouragement. It really does mean alot, especially as it seems that you are having such a rough time of it at the moment. I hope that you managed to have another talk with your husband, he sounds really supportive. Its such a shame when our loved ones trigger us accidentially isn't it? I really hope that today is a better day for you.

*huggles chocstashchick* giving up smoking has been attempted, partially achieved and then failed many times before. And its only been a week!! Its the SI that I've gone 5months without. I started smoking as a more sociably acceptable for of SH (not tip giving, warning so I hope thats ok to put!)....stupid stupid 'cos of course you then get addicted and when I'd have the one or two occassional fags I ended up on 15-20 day at one point!! I then cut that down to 10menthol and gradually worked from there, but generally I've never given up smoking for myself, its always been for other people. Which I guess a bit like all forms of SH, we need to want to get better ourselves, in our own time, when we're ready with the appropriate support in place, otherwise we're just making things more difficult in the long run. So don't go knawing your arm off, just try your best, thats all anyone can ask of you. Thanks for walking puppy sinclair, he's a new addition to the ward since my escape so I wasn't aware of him...whoops! *pats puppy sinclair affectionately*

*huggles Kahlia* oh my goodness, how are you doing?! Ok, stupid question when obviously you've still got your struggles, but when I was in here last you had your arms in plaster and had all sorts of stressful events going on which soooo wasn't fair on you. Oh I really hope those things are behind you now and you can concentrate on yourself again.

*huggles whispering girl* I know its scary when we get referred to new dr's in whatever format they are, but remember that they are there to help you. When I was referred to a psychiatrist, they recommended that I came along with a freind so that my wait was less anxious (friend didn't come in actual room, though I think could have if I requested) and also so that I had someone to accompany me home and stay with me for those first few hours that I would more than likely be triggered. I thought that was a really sensible thing for them to suggest and showed that they had some notion of how I'd be feeling. If its not suggested for you, then I suggest that you suggest it!! (hmm, did I say suggest too many times in one sentence?! Is there a rule for that? School was soooo long ago! lol)

I went out today (well yesterday I guess) met up with a friend in my area that I made through RYL and it did me good to get out and be able to talk freely with someone without them juding me....but we went to costa coffee and I had 2packets of crisps and a large caramel latte (made with soya milk). At home my cupbaords are generally stocked with negative calorie effect foods, the problem with my eating is when I'm out or staying at my boyfriends. When I'm low or triggered I just have no willpower, the food has power over me and then its time for the laxatives :(

Hmmm, this is a lot of waffle, I'd better shut up now.

CrazyHayley 16-12-2009 09:37 AM

Wow I've just noticed it took me half hour to type my waffle earlier!!

Morning everyone!!! (who's in my time frame) *hands out coffee*

Night night to you others who are elsewhere in the world *hands out bedtime drinks*

And for those of you inbetween, afternoon! *hands out afternoon snacks*

*gives puppy sinclair a doggy biscuit*

I've a dr's appointment today, but this is an ear specialist as I've had a recurring soft tissue infection in my ear since I came back from Kos at the end of June!! Hopefully it'll go ok and I won't get too anxious or in a tiz-woz as its somewhere new etc. I'll let you know how it goes later. Wishing you all a better day today. *GROUP HUGGLE!!!*

Scarletdreamer 16-12-2009 01:47 PM

*hugs Hayley* Thanks for the hugs and the kind words. It is difficult when loved ones trigger us, especially when it's my husband. :( Usually it's okay but sometimes he says the wrong thing and I get so upset!! I'm a little too sensitive for my own good I think. :(

What are crisps? potato chips? Anyway, it was probably good to have a little extra calories even if they weren't the healthiest, since you have at home "negative calorie effect" foods. That's not too healthy either... but I am NOT condemning you as I know we all have our problems and issues that we need to cope with and all... just mentioning that maybe you needn't be so hard on yourself. *more hugs*

Hope the doctor's appt goes well. I hate going to the doctor's, lol... haven't in a bit but probably ought to go see an ob-gyn eventually as it's been well over a year. And my eye doctor so I can get more contacts, and maybe the dentist as my teeth have been EXTREMELY sensitive. Thank God my husband's job provides health insurance!!

*hugs Whispering girl* Yeh, what Hayley said makes a lot of sense. See if it's okay to bring a friend along, because that will definitely help you with being nervous. It's always good to have backup in case you get too scared to keep going with it. I don't remember my first pdoc appt (I was 17) but I remember that my mum was there with me and that helped some. It didn't help though, that this pdoc hated teenagers and also had a funny smell to her office that made me feel wobbly. :( That sucked. Anyway, keep us updated - let us know when you make the appt, etc. That way we can support you the best way we know how to. :)

I'm not doing too well myself. Came on here as I just ate and am trying to stay out of the bathroom. I feel like I need to purge - very new urges, usually it's just restricting and overexercising, but lately I haven't been exercising much and have gotten fat and out of shape :( - so I am distracting myself!! Lol. Probably typing about it isn't the best thing to do, but it lets you all know what's going on. And that's probably a good thing... right? :-/

*hugs everyone*

one_step_closer 16-12-2009 01:50 PM

*hugs everyone*

I wish I could feel better, normal. I want motivation and not to be so low and scared of everything.

SoMuchMore 16-12-2009 07:37 PM

*hugs april* distracting yourself is a good thing, just keep trying to do that. Sorry to hear things are hard right now.

*hugs one step closer* I understand the want to feel normal yet being scared.. it sucks sometimes, or well a lot of the time. Sorry I don't have many words here, just wanted to say that I think i can relate somewhat to what you are saying.

I've been thinking a lot the past few days about "getting better," and what that will entail. I have been to counseling and a psychiatrist before and I didn't really like it... but idk maybe i wasn't ready for it or maybe i don't need it, like im not that sick so... idk. I just am actually feeling better I think. I hit my 1 year free from attempts, its been a few weeks since i've SI-d... All signs point to getting somewhere. But I am also scared to get better, and scared that if i do get better then I wont ever have an excuse to be upset. I still always try to hide when I'm upset. I think this fear is normal, I've heard it from other people, but it's still hard to deal with. The love-hate relationship with SI. Idk, i am rambling really bad now. sorry. I just needed to type this out.

PoisonedApple 16-12-2009 08:40 PM

*checks in*
*grabs some pillows, a duvet and a beanbag chair*
*curls up in the corner to cry*
Anyone got hot cocoa or a teddy bear I could cuddle?

Scarletdreamer 16-12-2009 09:01 PM

Laura, I feel the same way about getting better, so you're definitely not alone. *huggles*

One step closer, I want motivation too. :( If you find some (I've heard it might be hiding under the couch or in the dryer?) could I borrow a bit? *big hugs*

Angel, I have some low-calorie hot chocolate and some regular dark chocolate hot chocolate... your pick which. And I have a stuffed dog that you could borrow if you would like? *snuggles*

I am kinda crappy. Talked with my bestie about EDs as she knows practically nothing about them and managed to trigger myself. Gahh. Feel so dumb. Want to purge... but know I can't. I'm also frustrated because my NP has to get paperwork in for my husband for his supervisors to tell them why he missed work 3 days in a row (FMLA, I was/am doing so badly :( hate that). And she hasn't called or texted yet, yesterday or today... I'm getting upset!!!!! :(

*needs hugs* :(

PoisonedApple 16-12-2009 09:18 PM

Thanks :thumbup: I'll take the low cal hot cocoa and toss in some marshmallows (I know this totally defeats the purpose of the low cal but mallows make me feel better).
I'd borrow your puppy but you seem to need a cuddle buddy too...
*digs through prepacked bag for purple munkey plush*

Imaginary_friend 17-12-2009 12:09 AM

*curls up in a corner and passes out due to sheer exhaustion*
can i crash here for a while?

Absynnthe 17-12-2009 12:22 AM

*Drags duvet over to Loz and puts over, before collapsing next to*

Kahlia1981 17-12-2009 12:16 PM

*hugs everyone* - Sorry no individual replies.

Well I'm moving house. My friend - who used to live where I am now as well - and I are moving to a 2 bedroom unit. We are both sick of living in shared accommodation where if you have a bad episode of your illness (we both go psychotic) you get thrown out. We did a drive-by of three places and looked inside one of them, and then on a whim arranged to view a private rental and really liked it. The landlord/owner is really nice ... She's a hairdresser and has two kids .... Anyway we sign the rental agreement and pay the bond and 2 weeks rent tomorrow lunchtime. My friends parents have actually given us the bond as a christmas present.

Anyway I ended up spending the night at my friend's parents place. My friend takes the same medication but in different doses so he gave me meds last night. I didn't take any this morning because I didn't remember until about 2pm. His mother also gave us a pack of smokes to share because I'd run out last night. I wasn't expecting to be gone that long I must admit.

I rode home at about 3pm and didn't really get here until 4pm. Not due to slow riding, (although some of the riding I did was slow) not even because of the wind (which nearly knocked me off the bike a few times) but because I was fighting off an asthma attack. I was struggling to breathe so stopped at the first place that was safe (half way home) took a couple of puffs of ventolin and had a drink and basically just stood there until my breath was coming evenly and non-painfully. I then had to stop a few kilometres down the road because I couldn't get any air in at all and felt like I was going to collapse. I had to stop a few times. Thankfully it's okay now ....


I actually wrote all of that at about 4:45pm our time and had to leave the computer in a hurry because my brother-in-law rang me and told me he was on the way to pick me up.

It's now 10:12pm and I've just gotten home. Tonight I went out for christmas dinner with my sister and her family and 4 family friends. I spent a couple of hours with my brother-in-law and my niece and 2 of the family friends while we waited until my sister was due to be finishing work. Dinner was a pretty high class restaurant ... I think it's the "best" one in town. It was certainly a refreshing change.

Anyway I'll stop boring everyone. . . Right now I'm tired, have a headache (again), feel depressed and anxious and seriously in need of a hug. :(

*hugs everyone then retires to a dark corner try and get some rest and maybe cry a little*

Scarletdreamer 17-12-2009 01:41 PM

*snuggles Kahlia* It seems odd that you get thrown out of your living situation if you go psychotic. Do they have a reason? :-/

Hope the new living situation is better; it does sound nice. :) Good luck with that. How have you been feeling lately? any better? *more hugs*

I'm doing okay. Therapy today, am a little nervous about that. It's going to be mostly about my eating disorder and how it's changing and how I'm scared about that. Also, about how I'm scared to eat because of the urges to purge afterwards. :( I did eat some this morning but not a lot, because I was/am scared that if I eat too much and actually feel full, I'm going to want to get rid of it. Urgh. I HATE having an eating disorder!!! >:(

Anyway. I'm listening to Nightwish right now on my iPod, and it rocks my world. Haha. Been awhile since I've listened to this album ("Bless the Child")... love the first song. :)

It's Christmas break!!!

Absynnthe 17-12-2009 08:25 PM

Nightwish. <3

*gives thumbs up from across room*

Kahlia1981 17-12-2009 08:49 PM

April - I love Nightwish .... Nightwish, H.I.M, Kamelot, Within Temptation and Evanescence are my favourite bands. *hugs you*

*hugs everyone*

Scarletdreamer 17-12-2009 10:28 PM

Evanescence, Nightwish, and Within Temptation rank in my top bands. But right now I am loving Skillet!! (actually, right now I am listening to Midnattsol on my new and SHINY iPod!!!! hehehe)

*hugs Kahlia*
*hugs everyone*

I am doing okayish. Therapy was rough today because we talked about me not wanting to eat because then I want to purge... and then my mum and I went and ate out and it was a lot. Too much. And - of course - wanted to get rid of the food. Stupid me. :(

Ho hum. Quiet night on the ward, eh?

*more hugs*

Absynnthe 17-12-2009 10:35 PM

*huggles* Lucky you with the new iPod. :P Do you like Lacuna Coil?

I haven't told my mother about my off eating habits, so when she fed me alot just now, it sucked big time. >.< Now feel gross...

*cuddle with duvet*

Scarletdreamer 18-12-2009 12:32 PM

I do like Lacuna Coil, what little I've heard of them. My UK friends keep trying to get me into new music ;) and I love that. Music = life for me. Well, a huge part of my life. I listen to it all the time and I also am a musician... so it kinda runs in my blood. :)

Yeah, I know, I never thought I'd actually GET an iPod, lol. They always seemed too expensive. But then I sold back some books from this uni semester that I knew I wouldn't need again and there was enough to make up for what my husband was willing to pay for one. If that makes any sense. >_< Sorry, I just got up about 15 minutes ago from a 11 hour sleep so my brain is kinda muzzy.

My mum knows about my eating habits, but she has an ED too but won't admit it. It's so frustrating because I don't understand her and my dad's relationship. It's a very good one, in some ways; they love each other very much, etc. But the thing is, he NEVER confronts her on her eating habits. And she never talks to him about them. I couldn't survive that way with my husband. It's like keeping secrets from the one who loves you the best on this earth. :(

Blah. I'm tired of life. But - it's Christmas break now so I should be a little happier? :-/

[Awakening] 18-12-2009 01:42 PM

*walks in clutching snowman Noah and sucking thumb*

Hi everyone. Can i come in please? I could really do with a break from reality, it's too scary and hard.

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