I spy a Hayley & an Oliver!! *cuddles*

Just had lunch with my bestie, really didn't talk a lot and I didn't finish my lunch cos I was so anxious. :( I hate being this way, I really really do. It sucks so badly. :(

Wait Hayley, why would Eoghan be deployed to America?? That makes no sense to me, sending UK people over here... :-/ Sorry if I've missed something, it just doesn't seem to be that sensible. But that is better than him going to Afghanistan, isn't it? *cuddles gently* At least he'll be out of the combat zone... but I can understand how stressful and all that would be. *more cuddles*

*cuddles Mark and then remains curled up next to* I hope that you feel better soon - has the diazepam kicked in yet? Please try not to abuse that... I know you wouldn't do it on purpose but it can feel so great to be relaxed and everything, so difficult NOT to abuse benzos. Anyway... uhmm... sorry, can't offer advice on the benefits stuff as I'm not a UK'er. :( Wish I could help more... *offers more cuddles?*

I'm really exhausted... still... I know that I keep saying that, but I am seriously droopy right now. All I want to do is go to bed... but I have two classes and a dinner left and I can't stand it!!! *wants to rip hair out... oh never mind, it's already falling out!!* (why I have no clue :-/ ... a little worrisome ... but anyway)

I had this really weird dream last night about the younger brother of my bestie falling in love with me, and I with him, and with me still married to Jarrod. It was bad... :( I hate dreams like that. More like nightmares... :'( I love Jarrod so so much, it's just that lately with the depression/anxiety, I haven't been FEELING "in love" ... if that makes any sense.

Anyway. Best stop waffling. :'(

*hides in a hole*

*walks in, looks around and waves* hi guys. i made it through cooking today. it was so scary. i managed to get her to agree to letting me keep my jumper on, with my sleeves rolled up, so i cou;d quickly roll them down if i got too uncomfortable. was still scary but not too bad.
*hugs everyone then curls up and has a nap*

*hugs Nicole* Glad you got through the day okay. :D That's definitely a positive. Keep hanging in there... :)

*spies a Crimson, Mark, and Hayley* :D

OMG <a href="http://www.lewhif.com/">this</a> is awesome LOL. Now I want one. Stupid email group...

*Hugs Hayley* Darn that benefits system , so stressful :(

*Hugs April* I'm sorry about your dream , how are you feeling now ?

*Hugs Nicole* Yay you for getting through the cooking class , what did you make? , do you at least get to eat it after all that ?

My Dad popped round unannounced (I hate that) just *Doorbell* and he was there , showed him the phone bill and he totally took over so I'm completly lost now , well I didn't understand any of it in the first place anyway.

With regard the benzo's I have been popping them more than I should , I got so stress because I coulden't cut while my dad was here that I took 2 10mg Diaz , I'm only prescribed 20 a month *sigh*

I need to harm , I'm SO Freaked out I haven't planned out a meal and I usually eat at 6pm which is now , but I eat so much yesterday that some cereal and fruit would be ok today I guess.

I NEED to hurt myself but I am trying so hard not to ......:(

*waves at Nicole, April and Mark* I was trying to get the link to be under the word this in that last past... anyone know how to fix it? :(

*hugs april, mark and crimson* i'm proud of myself for getting through it, but very stressed and triggered. i made 3 different cheesecakes mark, one chocolate, one vanilla. and one lemon. and yes mark, i do get to eat it :D (well, with my mum, brother and sister.

*feels pathetic asking this * Can someone hold my hand please?

*hugs mark and holds his hand* not pathetic hun. we all need a bit of comfort sometimes. whats up?

*holds mark's other hand and sits to listen*

Those sound yummy Nicole. :)

E-ON demanding all that money.
BT stressing me by putting up my Direct Debit by almost £20 a month and I don't know why .
Benefits people sending me confusing letters.
Thats whats up , and I'm scared and confused.
*hugs Nicole and holds her hand*

Sorry this whole thread seems to have been taken up by my complaining and whineing recenlty.
I really want to cut or be out of it so I don't have to think about all this , I don't know if I'm allowed to say what I did:S

*Holds Crimsons hand tight*

they were very yummy crimson :D and mark sweetie, we all have our moments where we take up god know how much space whining, its what this place is for, we just wanna help you get through it. and if you not sure about saying something, it might be better not to, although my PM box is always open. *hugs*

i'm falling apart, tutorial today was bad, usually its me on my own but someone else joined us today, we were in the tutors office, I was shaking like a leaf, I ended up sitting there harming myself to stop myself having a panic attack and walking out, I wasnt concentrating, then at end tutor told other person to go so she could have a chat with me, she just sat there and went your not good are you? it was awful, she said i should think about getting special circumstances, so essays not in until sept, and maybe defer recital as well, but then what do I say to my mum, cant cope, want to die, please can i.
well after tonights concert I can, playing my friends piece which is amazing and have to be in costume as well, but after that can I please just die.

*crawls under the floorboards and crys*

*hugs mark and sits with him since his 2 hands are already taken* I'm sorry that everything is stressing you out so badly. Money stuff is so hard sometimes. Dont feel bad about taking up the ward by complaining.. that is what it is here for.. Its not whining.

*hugs oliver tightly* Im sorry that tutorial was bad. I hate when I feel a panic attack coming on. And not you cannot die, before or after the concert. Hang in there hun. I know its hard. Sorry i dont have more advice *more hugs*

*cuddles everyone else* I'll do more individual replies later. I don't really have the capacity right now. I've got so much stuff to do. Sorry i'm not being very supportive.

*sits in corner with a backpack full of work to do*

*Prizes up a floorboard and hugs Oliver*

Well its taken nearly an hour but I've been all around the ward and caught up on all the latest goings on. Please forgive me for not making individual replies or mentioning names, but there are just soooo many since I replied last time properly that it would take me another hour to type my post!

April, I think it was you who asked about Eoghan. He wouldn't be 'deployed' to America, its a 2year catergory E posting which is to do with their career and he would be the personal driver of some brigadeer man. So a huge difference from being frontline paratrooper. He'd probably end up ebing quite bored, but, its good for his career and he's done 4 desert war tours of duty already since 2003, we really don't want another.... We won't know for a few weeks yet though whether he's definately got it or not....*waits anxiously*

Good news wardies!! *beams* The doctor finally agreed to my demands. Gosh I was shaking and getting an anxious sweat on, but they agreed to me going back on the depo injection. I've got to finish this cycle, which means one more lot of irrational thoughts and desperation, but I just need to keep focused through that and then on monday 17th I can look forward to my sanity returning on a more permanant basis! Whoohoo!! So if that controls the mood disorder, it'll be interesting to see how I am, now that I've been on increased antidepressants and had councelling, with regards to my PTSD etc. Fingers crossed I'll be markedly happier and more stable *crosses fingers*

*huge positive filled group huggles for all her fellow inmates*

I'm going into the tv room to watch 'West Side Story' if anyone wants to join me?

*toddles off humming tune of west side story*

*stops on way to find Oliver under the floorboards and hug him tightly* you cannot die, I won't let you! We'll all help you through this, but an extension definately sounds like a good idea for you as you're struggling so much at the moment.

*continues humming*

*Hugs Hayley* Thats such good news :) Joins you to watch West side Story , I've not seen it before , is it good ?

Yup :D it was made in the 60's but its basically a modern day (well 60's, lol) version of Romeo & Juliet. But different names and its more to do with gangs/culture set in america. I love musical theatre, so love the singing and dancing :)

*gets calorie free popcorn to share with mark and anyone else who may join us*