I really want to die. :crying:

*huggles one step closer*
I wish I had words for you that would bring you comfort and hope and motivation, but I spent 40mins on the phone with the samaritans last night so that I didn't take an overdose, so I'm perhaps not in the right frame of mind. All I can say is that you're not alone in your struggle and please keep holding on. xx

Is there a kitchen in this ward without sharp things?

*goes looking as needs to feed the monster thats making noises in her belly*

*cuddles Helen* don't be hard on yourself hun, have a little r&r

*hugs Arwen* thanks :) hope you have a good evening

*hugs One Step Closer* just keep fighting, I know it's hard, but things will get better

*hugs Hayley* we missed you :) how are you? I hope the Samaritans helped. Four weeks is great you should give yourself a pat on the back for that. Hope tonight is better *huggles*

leaves some trashy magazines for people to laugh at and some chocolate - orange, white, dark, milk, green&blacks (ooh I love the one with ginger in)

ooh hugs & chocolate!! yeah todays been better so far. I'm jst doing myself some dinner, so may be quiet for a bit, also watching d-day stuff on BBC4, so my attention is slighty split, but I'm jst doing my best to keep distracted.

Missed a lot but I hope everyone is doing ok.

I'm back on weekend leave and have to go back to the ward on Monday for a meeting with my parents and psych and hopefully I will be discharged then. It's weird being back home and I miss my friends at the ward but I'm glad to be out. I was in for over a month and I was getting fed up, especially as my CBT doesn't start until I'm discharged so I've just been getting worse and worse really.

I've had a diagnosis - dissociative disorder, which having done some research makes sense, and it apparently includes depression anxiety OCD self harm "psychosis" and all the rest of it. And an eating disorder. Woop.

Hope everyone is doing ok, hugs to all who need them xxxxx

hey banana89, glad you're making progress and that you'll get CBT when you get out so that you're not just left to cope and adjust by yourself. I hope that having a diagnosis helps you too. Huggles.

....bollocks, just got spaghetti hoops down me typing that, lol

Hannah: It was weird, lmao *hugs back*. I'm a bit low tbh. Am glad you're feeling more up to fighting <3

*Hugs everyone else* Sorry I'm not doing many individual replies lately :sweat:

Ugh. Not in a good mood. I think I mentioned that I finally got my appointment a few weeks back. The one that I was waiting five ****ing months for. After my doctor "urgently" referred me. Got a letter...yesterday, I think, saying that they had to cancel and reschedule -_-. So it's now the 16th instead of next week. Yeah, that really gives me the ****ing impression that I "urgently" need to be seen.

So I've already been feeling that it'll be a damned miracle if I survive to what the appointment was meant to be for, and then they change it and make it even later?! Why the hell don't I just give the **** up now?

Oh, and also...am I still in school? *Looks around* Doesn't look like it...so why the **** am I yet again the subject of more childish rumours?! Someone said to a friend of my housemate, who told my housemate, who told me that people have been saying I need to be given a kick up the ass RE: housework for my own good. Erm, what?

1) I've been lax with it lately because the depression's come back full force and I have no motivation to do anything other than sleep, eat or go online. I struggle to get dressed or ****ing wash now, thank you very much. It's not that I'm simply being lazy.

2) The housemate's had a lack of motivation (she's just found out she has ****ing BREAST CANCER, for Chrst's sake), so she's not been doing much either and says she needs to give herself a kick up the ass before anyone else

3) When I do have motivation, I go and do what I need to without being told :/.

But noooooooooooooo, people look over the fact that I struggle with the void, cutting, overdoses, depressive moods, urges to drown my sorrows in booze etc etc and just see a lazy kid. Yeah, right. The friend of my housemate knows the truth, and my housemate herself obviously knows that I'm not just bone idle, but for Christ's sake. How old are people around here? I don't actually want to go out any more. I'm wondering if it's the people who I saw at this party we were both invited to who were gossiping. **** socialising, I'm a hermit.

Oh, and on top of all that, the womanising **** keeps appearing in my dreams again. So yeah. Not in a good mood

Damnation - its crap that they've messed you around with your appointment date, especially when your struggling with so much, including the pathetic rumour mill. Just ignore people like that, they have no idea what we're going through and you don't need unsupportive people around you to drain you further.

I'm so so tired. Struggling to focus on tv but feel that I really should just so I can say I watched important documentaries, especially as my boyfriend is a paratrooper. But really just want to crawl under covers in bed and let the day be over and then I can say that I stayed safe today.

Especially since it's so close to the old date, too x_x. Last minutes changes fail. And I'm trying not to let the gossipers get to me, but argh. It's so damned annoying.

Aren't the documentaries on at another time, so you could catch the repeat and go get some sleeps now?

*Hugs Hayley* Welcome back hun. Don't beat yourself up about cutting after four weeks without, maybe just pick yourself up and keep trying to go without. Baby steps.

*Hugs Helen* I bet no one thinks you ruined the meet. I'm sorry to hear you're still feeling so bad. Do you know why you keep passing out? Have you seen a doctor?

*Hugs one step closer* Are you feeling unsafe? If you are, maybe it'd be a good idea to go to A&E or call a crisis line?

Oooh Hannah, trashy magazines and chocolate? My favourite! I love the real life story mags :P

HannahBanana - Hope you're enjoying your weekend leave. Are you glad to have a diagnosis? I always welcomed diagnoses, because even though it may not be what you want to hear, it means they know how to help you.

*Hugs Dayna* Those ****ing people arranging your appointment. I can't believe they're doing this to you when it was said you were to be seen urgently! And don't worry about the rumours, people that bitch like that aren't worth bothering with.

------

I will be drinking tonight. Not starting till late though, about 10:30 as my dad is still in Brighton and is the one supplying the booze. Will probably watch stuff on Surfthechannel :)
I've actually been okay spending the day on my own in the house. Usually I get all freaked out and stuff about the spies breaking in when I'm alone, but today I've only been a little scared. Every now and then I'm sure I hear someone upstairs, but then I remind myself I've got psychosis and it's probably not real - Doesn't mean I'm not on my guard though!
See how far I've come :) I think I'm almost ready to come off the APs!

Glad you're doing so well, Arwen! <3

And ugh, I know *hugs back*. They piss me right off x_o

Dayna - you never know, it could be the one time last min things work out? I'll keep my fingers and toes crossed for you, it gives me something to keep me occupied! lol. As for documentaries, its stuff about d-day on bbc4, cos of being the 65th anniversary. So I expect at some time they'll be repeated but I wanted to learn a bit about it, as my partner is currently in normandy after being involved in the reinactment paratrooper drop and memorial services. He's due home tomorrow and I wanted to understand a bit of what he's been involved in as I know he was honoured to be doing this.

Wow Arwen, thats great progress, just be careful with your drinking please. And yeah, baby steps...well like a chunky toddler, wobbling all over the place with the occassional fall down but determined to get back up and improve.

I do think that it is going to be medication and bedtime soon though, despite my best efforts.

*goes outside to smoking shelter*

*sprays self with pretty smelling stuff so as not to stink of fags*

RightyO, I'm medicated now, only the amount I'm meant to :) So its time for me to find a comfy spot in the corner to snuggle down for the night with my teddy bear.

*hugs all goodnight or goodmorning to all the people who will be waking up on me nodding off*

Night Hayley :) xx

*hugs* to everyone here, hope everyone is doing alright.
Damnation- I know what it's like to have people mess with your appointments. Try to hang in there. *hugs*

I feel kinda ok today, I cleaned a bit and read an online comic. Now if I could just stop panicking all would be well. :(

Sorry, sorry guys. I said I'd be back.
At the moment in a bad place :/
So I'm just lurking at the moment.
Don't worry about me though :D
Just part of the cycles ;)

Hey guys, hope everyone has a good day today.

Dayna - really sorry to hear about everything that's going on for you. It's so frustrating when they mess around with your appointments, but at least it's not too long until you have it. And I'm really sorry to hear about everything in your house, I can really relate to that. My student house this year (I've moved out and am back at my parents') was an absolute nightmare. They were all so lazy and didn't understand what a hard time I was having, plus one of them hated me and was really nasty. Just try and ignore them. Is there anywhere else you can stay? Being around unsupportive people won't help :-)

Haven't got time to reply to everyone but I hope that everyone has a better day today.

I woke up this morning at 5.15am fully clothed and very confused. Went out for a smoke and listened to the birds singing which was nice. So far feel ok, feel a bit panicky and scared about having to eat later but I'm alright at the moment. Missing the ward but it's nice being home.

Hugs and cuddles to everyone xxx

Hey all, Morning, Afternoon, Evening whichever it happens to be at your point in the world! I'm checking myself in... I'm eight months SH free and am struggling to stay that way

I didn't on purpose no, they keep telling me I didn't and I keep apologisng and they keep telling me I don't need to. But I can't shake the feeling off. I don't know what makes me collapse, lately it's been my flashbacks but this wasn't a result of that. Fortnately most of the time it happens, it's at home. *special huggles and snuggles in return*

Oh sweetie, do you want to talk about it? *offers special snuggles*

[quote=wildly insane;1667123]*cuddles Helen* don't be hard on yourself hun, have a little r&r[//quote]*cuddles Hannah* Thank you

*hugs Arwen* Thank you honey. No I haven't seen a doctor, am sick of seeing doctors lol, and not to feel you're being taken 100% seriously. I also left the post in about Dayna because I agree :D Oh and you have come very far :D

*leaves cuddles for everyone*

Still really low. My anxiety is sky high, nothing is relieving it. Worthless piece of **** that I am. Everyone's better off without me. >.<